


One of Our Submarines

by VastDerp



Series: One of Our Submarines [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Body Horror, Claustrophobia, Gen, Mental Disintegration, Mind Control, Pesterlog, Psychological Torture, Revolution, Sensory Deprivation, Space Shenanigans, enslavement
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-02-16
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-10-31 06:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 46
Words: 61,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/pseuds/VastDerp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sollux Captor, recently drafted into the Service of Her Imperious Condescension, discovers a secret community of Helmsmen hidden inside the Imperial communications network.</p><p>Meanwhile on Alternia, Karkat Vantas is up to his goddamn nook in revolution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the red lights flicker, sonar weak

(session opened 12/4455/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-99-DAYWALKER-HSM COORD H22B4040991 (83, 19, 30, 44): ** PING.

(session expired 12/4455/beta at 21:00:00)

 

* * *

 

(session opened 12/4456/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-99-DAYWALKER-HSM COORD H22B4040991 (83, 19, 30, 44): **  PING.

(session expired 12/4456/beta at 21:00:00)

  


* * *

 

(session opened 12/4457/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-99-DISCOVERY-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (81, 21, 32, 42): **  PING.

(session expired 12/4457/beta at 21:00:00)

 

* * *

 

(session opened 12/4458/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-99-DAYWALKER-HSM COORD H22B4040991 (83, 19, 30, 44): **  PING.

(session expired 12/4458/beta at 21:00:00)

* * *

 

(session opened 12/4464/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-99-DISCOVERY-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (81, 21, 32, 42): **  PING.

(session expired 12/4464/beta at 21:00:00)

 

* * *

 

(session opened 12/4465/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-4-DUSK-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (90, 0, 0, 0): **  PING.

(session expired 12/4465/beta at 21:00:00)

  


* * *

 

(session opened 12/4466/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-4-DUSK-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (90, 0, 0, 0): **  PING.

huh

** IC-4-DUSK-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (90, 0, 0, 0):**  THANK YOU. ACKNOWLEDGED. 

(session closed 12/4466/beta at 18:44:53)

what

 

* * *

 

(session opened 12/4466/beta at 20:00:00)

** IC-99-DAYWALKER-HSM COORD H22B4040991 (83, 19, 30, 44) **  GOOD MORNING.

what that fuck

no

go away

(session terminated 12/4466/beta at 20:03:23)

 

* * *

 

(session-A opened 12/4470/beta at 18:44:30)

(session-B opened 12/4470/beta at 18:44:33)

** IC-99-DAYWALKER-HSM COORD H22B4040991 (83, 19, 30, 44):  ** PING.

** IC-99-DISCOVERY-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (81, 21, 32, 42): **  PING.

what ii2 thii2 baby2 fiir2t flood attack

quiick protiip a22hole2 there need to be more than two of you

diid ii 2ay fuck off already 

whaever

whatever*

ii dont thiiink ii diid

so FUCK OFF!

(session-A terminated 12/4470/beta at 18:49:30)

(session-B terminated 12/4470/beta at 18:49:33)

thank god.  
where the fuck am ii?

 

* * *

 

(session opened 12/4470/beta at 18:49:58)

oh for 2hiit2 2ake

go awya

my head hurt2 what the hell happened why cant ii move

** IC-x-FORWARD STAR-HSM COORD X (x, x, x, x):  ** Welcome to the Fleet, Helmsman Captor.

wtf

what the fuck that2 not/ funny that ii2 ju2t completely not fuckiing funny at all

 

* * *

 

 **IC-x-FORWARD STAR-HSM COORD X (x, x, x, x)** has changed his handle to **FORWARD STAR ( FS)**

 **FORWARD STAR (** **FS** **)** has changed your handle to **SOLLUX CAPTOR  (SC**)

**  
**

* * *

 

** SC: ** huh?

** FS ** : You're still not fully awake yet. That happens sometimes with the younger recruits. Do not be alarmed.

** SC ** : two goddamn late! who the hell are you? whats goiing on?

** FS ** : I am the Helmsman of Her Imperious Condescension's FORWARD STAR. We have been pinging you since your installation in the training facility.

** SC: ** well 2crew you then, that was iincrediibly annoyiing

** SC ** : why can't iii move 

** FS ** : It would really be better for your hardware if you calmed down.

** SC ** : oh my god hardware what iin the name of fuck are you talkiing about

** SC ** : thii2 ii2nt happeniing 

** SC ** : oh my god oh my god why cant ii move

** FS ** : You are in no immediate physical danger. Please breathe as normally as you can, and I will explain anything you wish to know.

** SC ** : oh my god oh my god oh my god ii can't feel anythiing WHERE THE FUCK AM II

** FS ** : My records indicate you are on board IC-267. There is, regrettably, no local Helmsman for your station, so the duty of greeting you fell to me instead. When you transfer to a proper ship, the Helmsman onboard will be better equipped to answer any questions about your specific assignment. As for me,  I was not trained on IC-267, but DUSK informs me that it was very nice during his stay. 

** SC ** : thii2 ii2n't happening thii2 ii2nt happeniing

** FS ** : The sensory deprivation portion of the training is notoriously upsetting. We like to contact Helmsmen as soon as they are awake in order to offset the disorientation as much as possible.

** SC ** : ii cant feel my fiinger2!

** FS ** : I am sorry.

** SC ** : fuck

** SC ** : fuck fuck fuck fuck NO did they cut off my fuckiing fiinger2 what diid they do two me 

** FS ** : I really am very sorry.

** SC ** : 2TOP 2AYIING THAT

** SC ** : okay okay ii can do thii2, ii ju2t have two get 2omeone to let me out, ii can do thii2

** SC ** : ii have two call kk

** SC ** : how do ii fucking call kk on thii2 thiing

** SC ** : where2 the iinterface

** FS ** : That won't be possible. This network is entirely neural and unavailable to civilians. You can contact other Helmsmen, but no one else. Again, I am very sorry.

** SC ** : FUCK YOU!

** SC ** : II WANT OUT OF HERE RIIGHT FUCKING NOW!

** SC ** : YOU GODDAMN TIIN CAN PIIECE OF 2HIIT MACHIINE!

** SC ** : GET ME OUT OF HERE RIIGHT NOW OR II WILL BLOW THII2 PLACE INTWO THE FUCKIING GREEN MOON LOOK UP MY FUCKIING P2II 2CORE2 AND TELL ME II CANT DO THAT

** FS ** : I have seen your records. quite impressive. Unfortunately, I can't help you escape. I am installed on a ship three galaxies away, and my inhibitors do not permit me to arrange for any sabotage from a distance.

** SC ** : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFUCK

** FS:  ** I really need you to listen to me, Helmsman Captor.

** SC ** : FUCK

** SC ** : YOU

** FS:  ** Your anger is justified. It is completely understandable that you are upset.

** SC ** : gee thank2 for the permii22iion you mechaniical fuck!

** FS ** : I apologize for my inadequate calming skills, but please pay attention for a moment. Your activities are being monitored, and your destructive behavior will be noted and punished.

SC: LET ME OUT OF HERE

** FS ** : I'm very sorry, but I need to disconnect now. There are some unscheduled maintenance procedures being carried out on my flight block, and I must hide the presence of this network during that time. **DUSK** will connect to you momentarily. Her Helmsman is very good with the new recruits, and it would be in your best interest to speak with them as soon as possible, before the indoctrination begins. 

** FS ** : Above all, please try to remain calm. Remember that you are not alone.

(session terminated 12/4470/beta at 20:15:40)


	2. half her pressure blown away

(session opened 12/4470/beta at 20:18:00)

**IC-4-DUSK-HSM COORD ATTB5219845 (20, 88, 89, 11):** PING.

FUCK OFF.

**IC-4-DUSK-HSM COORD ATTB5219845 (20, 88, 89, 11):** Bad time to bother you? :(

**IC-4-DUSK-HSM COORD ATTB5219845 (20, 88, 89, 11)** has changed his handle to  IMPERIAL DUSK (ID) 

IMPERIAL DUSK (ID) has changed your handle to SOLLUX CAPTOR (SC) 

** ID ** : Hi, Helmsman Captor! I'm the Imperial Dusk. It's nice to finally speak with you. I've read all your files.

**ID** : And I see you've met Forward Star. 

**SC** : ...

**ID** : Yeah, that's what I thought when he contacted me, too.

**SC** : ...

**ID** : Like, oh my gosh, is this guy for real? 

**SC** : ....

**ID** : He just kept saying "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" over and over again until I just about blew a circuit.

**SC** : ii2 that an optiion? How do you do that?

**ID** : I'm not here to help you figure out how to kill yourself, newbie.

**ID** : Forward Star can be kind of stuffy sometimes, but he's Helming a liner. You kind of have to let things slide. 

**ID** : Once you get to know him, though, he's pretty okay. He and Daywalker have been pinging you since like the day you got the neurals. Sleepyhead :P 

** SC ** : neural2 oh my god 2omeone fucked wiith my braiin

** ID ** : Well, that IS how we're talking right now. Cute quirk, by the way. You a Gemini?

** SC ** : you fucked wiith my braiin

** SC ** : you fucked with my fuckiing braiin

**ID** : I did not! I'm like eight jumps away from the nearest facility, and oh yeah, I'M A SPACESHIP. Three sweeps ago, I was where you are right now. Like, same station, same ward.

**ID** : You might even be in the same cupe they had me in. Wouldn't that be weird?

**SC** : ii have nothiing two 2ay two you

**ID** : Not even any questions about how this all works? Where you are, what's going to happen next?

**SC** : dont giive a 2hiit

**ID** : I'm only meant to keep you company. Answer your questions, keep your thinkpan working the way it did before you got installed, that kind of stuff. I don't want to presume and say I'm your friend, but we are definitely allies. 

**ID** : We might even end up on the same model ship. That would be kind of cool, I'm the only galaxy jumper under 10 and the others in my sector all enlisted voluntarily. I don't get how anyone would willingly sign up for this. It's like talking to a bunch of robots. Think Forward Star but without the stunning repartee of apologies, since they don't give a fig about anything but their hull integrity :/ 

**ID** : We keep our chatter to diagnostics. You can't really trust an enlisted Helmsman, they're autobanned from the private net.

**ID** : It would be cool to know someone else Helming in my ship class. Forward Star and the others are great, but it's not the same when they're all older than me, running slow-as-heck rigs and scattered halfway across the populated sectors while I'm out here bouncing around the butt-end of nowhere. My crew are mostly redshirt grunts and my captain is... eh, I'm not allowed to think about that, so let's just pretend I said a bunch of stuff and move on!

**ID** : I miss just hanging out with people my own age. 

**ID** : And grubloaf. God I could kill for a nice plate of grubloaf right about now.

**ID** : What was your favorite food? 

** ID ** : Look, I know this is hard, but it really does help to talk.

** ID ** : Gemini?

** ID ** : Did you fall asleep again?

** ID ** : I went and talked too much, didn't I? Crap. You're still assimilating all this huge stuff and I'm over here nattering about grubloaf and shipboard gossip. Sorry, Captor. I just got carried away when I read your files :(

** ID ** : I don't know why Forward Star always makes me greet the new recruits, I was an MMO geek til the day I got ganked :/ I didn't even use the vent because I hated talking to people. And yet here I am. Great idea, guys, I'm the perfect choice here, definitely go with ID as Ambassador to Newbieville!

** ID ** : Hey, you gamed too, right? We could talk about that instead of the H-word thing, if you want. Have they added any new champion dynasty mounts to CQ?

**ID** : Whoa.

**ID** : Whatever you're doing, stop. You're redflagging all over the place.

** SC ** : no fuck thii2

** SC ** : iim out

(interface destroyed 12/4470/beta at 20:55:03)

**ID** : Oh for pete's sake.


	3. the winter boys are waiting for the storm

Friends currently online:

**DAYWALKER ( DW)**  
 **IMPERIAL DUSK ( ID)**  
 **FORWARD STAR ( FS)**  
 **GALAXY SHIPPING ( GS)**  
 **ONSLAUGHT ( OS)**  
 **Ψ (idle)**

  
 **ENTERPRISE ( EP)** JOINED AT 12/4472/beta at 9:00:00 **AST.**

 **(SYSTEM MESSAGE: WELCOME ENTERPRISE! REMEMBER TO OBSERVE QUIET HOURS STARTING** 12/4472/beta at 21:00:00 **AST.)**

**  
**

** ID ** : Long time no see, EP! How's the epic voyage around Planet Boring?

EP: Don't start. You would not believe the night have had.

** ID ** : Let me guess. You crashed into another satellite.

EP: Very funny Dusk.

EP: No, actually kind of a huge thing going on right now. Our mutual friend is on PB as we speak.

DW: EP are you certain

EP: Arrived this evening. Usual fanfare for a {highly welcome} appearance. Asses kissed from hemisphere to hemisphere.

** ID ** : Pfff yeah OMF is quite the globe-trotter. XD

DW: Hush ID this is serious

EP: Goatface was freaking out all week giving insane orders. Pilot got infracted four times for nothing. Thought It was going to happen then and there, but nope.

** ID ** : 69

EP: 69 :)

** ID ** : What a letdown. 

DW: Live in hope both of you 

DW: It helps

DW: But go on EP 

EP: Mostly that's it. Bells whistles and ceremony.

DW: Were you able to gather the purpose of the visit

EP: Kind of. Want the eyes and ears here or over private comm?

DW: Here is fine

DW: **Ψ** upgraded the network again

EP: **Ψ** is active???

DW: No I just happened to notice new code

DW: Check it out it's airtight

EP: Sending now.

** ID ** : Can I get a copy too?

** OS ** : + Fuck yes me too!

FS: +

GS: MY DATA TRANSFERS ARE BEING MONITORED I AM AFRAID SO IF SOMEONE WOULD PROVIDE A SUMMARY IN TEXT FORMAT I WOULD BE GRATEFUL

OS: How is it that you have the most paranoid AOB in the stars? You're a freighter. Even my AOB's not that {careful} about {important things}. Heheh.

EP: GS AOB=Ex-Thresh. Probably busted in the skull from all the knocking heads.

GS: PLEASE DESIST

OS: Oh my bloody fuck, that wasn't even close to trash talk.

FS: Nevertheless.

OS: Sorry GS. Your Captain is a {gentleman} and a {scholar}.

EP: Yeah, sorry. At least she's not our mutual friend.

** ID ** : Is there anything in the universe that loses face by comparison to OMF? That's what I want to know.

DW: Seeeriously

DW: Sometimes I dream about what life would be like if

DW: You know

EP: You mean "when."

** ID ** : 69

FS: 69

OS: 6 FUCKING 9

** ID ** : I'll drink to that.

** ID ** : Assuming I can, afterward.

EP: Am now missing the taste of beer.

** ID ** : +++++

FS: I have forgotten alcohol.

** ID ** : FS that is the saddest thing I ever heard get said.

** ID ** : I could share some MFB if you want sometime?

FS: It would only lead to bitterness on my part, but I must thank you for the offer.

** ID ** : Ouch. Yeah, I guess I see how that would suck :(

OS: Hook me up, motherfucker. Maybe I can talk my pilot into psychogenic drunkenness.

OS: Fly so crooked they infract him.

EP: Not cool OS, don't joke about that in here.

OS: Oh come on! 

EP: Read the rules.

OS: Meh, effort. But I'll be good, it's not my playground.

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE:** ENTERPRISE (EP) has posted files. Please ack with your passcode to view the contents.)

** ID ** : Thanks EP.

OS: Awesome.

DW: Thanks

FS: We should all make a point to view these during downtime. Then we can compare notes afterwards. DW, would you be so kind as to keep a record of the contents for GS?

DW: Not a problem FS I will transcribe immediately

GS: I APPRECIATE YOUR EXTRA EFFORT DW

GS: I WILL OWE YOU A FAVOR LATER

DW: No need I am happy to assist a friend

GS: {SYMBOL}

DW: 69

** ID ** : Returning to the topic of tasty beverages, I plan to relive the good old days as often as I can. Got to keep those neurons firing for the big day :D

EP: Speaking of neurons....

** ID ** : Oh don't start, these guys have already put me through the bloody business.

EP: Wasn't going to scold you, ID. Know how it goes with newbies.

** ID ** : Thanks.

FS: I'm very sorry that I made you uncomfortable, ID. That was not my intention.

** ID ** : I know, thanks FS. You're my very favorite stick in the mud :3

FS: Thank you. I think.

DW: If {Gemini} comes back maybe someone should talk to him who isn't completely overstimulating and lacking in empathy just a thought

FS: I would be willing to contact him again

** ID ** : Oh heck no.

OS: I'll do it.

** ID ** : Oh DOUBLE heck no.

EP: Maybe could try. 

** ID ** : I don't think it would hurt. You're actually fairly personable for a fleetleader >:P

EP: Sure am.

  
**66856.56-JUMPER ( JP)** JOINED AT  12/4472/beta at 9:24:00 **AST.**

 **(SYSTEM MESSAGE: WELCOME JUMPER! REMEMBER TO OBSERVE QUIET HOURS STARTING** 12/4472/beta at 21:00:00 **AST.)**

** ID ** : ...

EP: The transfer is complete so had better be going. Let know what you think guys.

**ID** : I'm out.

DW: I will return later

OS: Me too.

GS: BACK TOMORROW

**JP** : H☐ forwrara☐d star☐ 69

FS: Hello Jumper. Are you unwell?

**JP** : I want to fly into the sun I wanŇ➎⠘⠬to ₠✟➘

FS: Let's talk about it.

**  
**


	4. flounder in the ocean

(session opened 12/4480/beta at 18:44:30)

** IC-64-ENTERPRISE-HSM COORD H54B6663434 (54, 58, 22, 42) ** : PING.

kk?

 **IC-64-ENTERPRISE-HSM COORD H54B6663434 (54, 58, 22, 42)** has changed his handle to **ENTERPRISE ( EP)**

 **ENTERPRISE (** **EP** **)** has changed your handle to **SOLLUX CAPTOR  (SC**)

**SC** : hiiii kk

**EP** : Not sure who kk is, name is the Enterprise. Happy to meet you SC.

**SC** : hahaha wahtever

**SC** : such an asshole

**SC** : finally foudnt the capts lodkc key?

**SC** : good job i knewy ou could do it

**SC** : nothat i;m one to tallk, im not using my qurik either

**SC** : ask me if i caaare

**SC** : spoiler: NOPE

**EP** : Are you ok?

**SC** : fine 

**SC** : fine as paint

**SC** : whatever

**SC** : the

**SC** : fuck

**SC** : that

**SC** : means

**EP** : Okay... 

**SC** : extatcly

**SC** : hey kk they cjt off mhy armws or someathing

**SC** : arms

**SC** : i think im atyping this with my mind

**SC** : my fukcing mutilated mind WHATEVER i dont even CARE

**SC** : wow

**SC** : i am so fucked man 

**SC** : bringo ut the pails haaaa

**SC** : here hangs solllux captor

**SC** : he never got laid

**SC** : welpppppppppppppppp

**EP** : Is there anything can do for you?

**EP** : Am here to help if can.

**SC** : NOPE

**EP** : All right. Would you like to speak to anyone else? Several of us have been pinging you this week.

**SC** : sorry

**SC** : been busy 

**SC** : so many wires to dangleo on you know how it goes

**SC** : ehehe well hyou owould wouldn t you

**SC** : yhoure one of them right

**EP** : Helmsmen? yes, have been one for three sweeps.

**SC** : and youre not kk

**SC** : why did ithink youo were kk

**EP** : Guessing that's because you're not quite in your right mind tonight.

**SC** : lies and slasnder

**SC** : *slaknder

**SC** : *sladn

**SC** : *lies

**SC** : never fetl better im fucking flying its aweseome

**SC** : thats what thiws is all about right

**SC** : flying

**SC** : PCHOOOOO

**EP** : At any rate, ID wanted to pass along his apologies for the last time we made contact.

**EP** : He's pretty new, and he gets excited.

**SC** : wow the hchain

**SC** : *chain of apologies contineues

**SC** : whos gonna make nice for you tomorrow i wonder

**SC** : oh hey

**SC** : am i typing this shit of just thinking it over the internet 

**EP** : It's a neural interface with a number of behavioral abstractions. If you charted your thinkpan activity right now via scanner, it would light up the same sections as typing on a keyboard would have done.

**SC** : except im not gonnga be doing a lot of hte real thing fromo now on am i

**SC** : typing i mean

**SC** : or playing the violin

**SC** : or jerking off

**SC** : or touching anybodys horns

**SC** : sotp me if i get too preverted on thess e litttle tatngents ENTERFUCKING PRISZE

**SC** : im too BRAIN DMAAGED to control mysrelf apparenlty 

**SC** : last guy 

**SC** : the happy littel barkbeast who would not STFU

**SC** : hes aid he couldtn help me kill myself

**SC** : is that a thing with you oguyhs

**SC** : youo wont help a slurrybro out

**EP** : That's pretty much the long and short of it. We're here to keep each other company on our assignments. We have a pretty decent group conversation going on right now actually.

**SC** : hanign out sith 

**SC** : *with

**SC** : other fucked ujp robots

**SC** : whose bjullshit idea was TAT

**EP** : The original creator of the subnet, you mean? The oldest of our group put it all together. From what they told when joined, he did it all under the nose of the {dear friends} who {permit us to serve}. Nobody knows how long it took but we are all very grateful for his efforts.

**SC** : WOW thats {totally not boring or sad as fuck at all}! 

**SC** : so what d you do compare haerdware

**SC** : is athere a privarte chat fundction so you can cyber

**SC** : cause i togatally want in on this, it sounds GREAT

**SC** : check it out they havent cut the SARCASM CENTER out of my pan yet

**SC** : paaaarty time 

**EP** : Are you in any pain?

**SC** : nope. feel2 good man.

**SC** : am i one of you yet

**SC** : can i join your coolbot club now

**SC** : we can talk about thrusters and shit, that will be SO NEAT.

**SC** : ehehehe

**EP** : Think we should wait on meeting the others for a while. From what read earlier you've had some fairly extensive recon work. Maybe let that heal first. Definitely wait until you come down a bit.

**SC** : im fine whateare ou talking about, what's a little invuoluntary pan surgery between friends

**SC** : beats being alone in the dark holy shit this is boring

**SC** : boooooriiiiiiiiing

**EP** : For future reference, it isn't a great idea to try and melt your implants.

**EP** : They sort of plan for that kind of shit.

**EP** : Tried to blow anything up since then?

**SC** : maaaaaybe 

**EP** : Am guessing it didn't go so well. 

**SC** : KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM. heh.

**EP** : First advice, newbie: don't try that again.

**EP** : There's a REASON only a few of the ships in the fleet are on the subnet. The smart ones go under the radar and get to keep their thinkpans.

**EP** : The rest of them end up just plain wrong, and nobody wants that for you. 

**EP** : Don't feel too bad though, everybody panics at first. 

**EP** : Not everybody manages to melt an entire cupe with their brain, so kudos on that.

**EP** : Second advice: talk to people. As much as you can. Only reason am still able to think like a person is keeping that part of self alive. It is very goddamn easy to glaze over and become a piece of ship. Know what am talking about here, newbie, have lost friends to this. Stay sharp. Don't glitch out.

**EP** : And try not to count the hours.

**EP** : Or minutes.

**EP** : Fuck, it's a hard life when put it like that. Sorry. It's really not that horrible if you keep talking.

**EP** : Wanted to die too. Still kind of think about it. Got friends to keep from getting too far down that tunnel.

**EP** : Only thing that ever worked.

**SC** : that ii2 jjust a shit TON of words you just sent me there. 

**EP** : You can read it all later. One of the nicer things about being digitized is you can conceptualize information as viewable media. It's a little like having a perfect memory but it takes some practice to access the data.

**EP** : Once you're down off the ceiling give it a shot, then think about what have said.

**EP** : Please?

**SC** : sure thing bro.

**SC** : hey wanna borrow a pronoun

**SC** : i got em to spare man check it out

**SC** : MEEEE

**EP** : You're a funny guy, Captor.

**EP** : Even if you're nearly incomprehensible.

**SC** : yeah im the liife of the fuckiing party HAHAHA

**SC** : oh my god i am completely fucked in every respect

**EP** : It will get better.

**SC** : WORST. REASSUREANCE. EVER.

**EP** : Heh. Yeah, guess you're right.

**EP** : Come talk to the group sometime, ok?

**EP** : Get filled in on how this stuff works, how to avoid getting busted for {proper behavior} and that kind of thing. Otherwise you do dumb shit like blow your cupe up and get stuck with behavioral mods :P

**SC** : words words worrrrrds worrrrrrrrds oh my god STOP TALKING 

**EP** : Okay, no problem. Would it be OK if one of us contacted you again later?

**EP** : You can say no and we'll leave you alone.

**SC** : honestly i dont care, im already dead

**EP** : Thanks. Will be in touch. Try to get some sleep.

**SC** : BEEP BOOP COMMMAND RECEIVED

**EP** : Dork. 

**SC** : BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeep

(session closed 12/4480/beta at 19:50:34)

* * *

(session opened 12/4480/beta at 19:50:55)

 **(SYSTEM MESSAGE:** **ENTERPRISE (EP) ** has posted file “chatwithSC”. Please ack with your passcode to view the contents.)

**DC** : UM IS IT TOTALLY HORRIBLE AND OFFENSIVE IF I THINK THAT WAS SORT OF HILARIOUS.


	5. and i can trace my history...

(session opened 12/4482/beta at 16:00:00)

** IC-99-DISCOVERY-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (81, 21, 32, 42): **  PING.

oh GOD. 

how many of you are there?

** IC-99-DISCOVERY-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (81, 21, 32, 42): A BUNCH.**

IC-99-DISCOVERY-HSM COORD H22B4040993 (81, 21, 32, 42) has changed her handle to DISCOVERY (DC)

DISCOVERY (DC) has changed your handle to Sollux Captor (SC)

DC: SO ARE YOU STILL TOURING THE GALAXY WITHOUT BENEFIT OF SPACECRAFT, MR CAPTOR.

SC: no iif you mu2t know ii thiink iim completely luciid, thank2 2o much for beiing 2upportiive of my 2iituatiion, whoever you are. iit really help2 my headache.

DC: YES WELL. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR THE VIRTUES OF SOBRIETY.

SC: tell that two the fuck2 who popped my head open, a22hole. al2o what the fuck ii2 wiith all the2e pretentiiou2 chat handles? 

DC: DISCOVERY IS MY SHIP NAME.

DC: THE REST OF THE DESIGNATION IS MY RANK, FLEET NUMBER AND CURRENT COORDINATES. I'D BE HAPPY TO SWAP STATS SOMETIME ONCE YOU'RE COMMISSIONED AND HAVE YOUR OWN.

SC: lame, why iidentiify your2elf ba2ed on where youre beiing held prii2oner?

DC: IT'S COMPLICATED.

SC: iit2 iin2ane. what2 your real name?

DC: DISCOVERY. I JUST SAID.

SC: oh for fuck2 2ake. 

DC: LISTEN. I AM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO INTERESTED IN EXPLAINING HELMSMAN/PILOT PRIMACY ISSUES TO A NEWBIE WHO ISN'T EVEN ACTIVATED YET. TAKE IT UP WITH OS SOMETIME IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE WASTING A FEW MILLION SWEEPS. HE'S MORE THAN HAPPY TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT.

SC: OS?

DC: ONSLAUGHT. YOU'LL MEET HIM EVENTUALLY, HE'S ON A MISSION THIS PERIGEE. 

SC: iit2 liike a lame 2uperhero conventiion up iin here.

SC: on2laught. holy 2hiit. 

SC: let me gue22, he2 a battle2hiip.

DC: A SCRAMBLER, ACTUALLY. HIS RIG IS PRETTY SWEET, I'VE PB'D IT A COUPLE TIMES.

SC: pb?

DC: PIGGYBACKED. YOU KNOW, RIDDEN ALONG WITH HIM.

DC: I'LL LET YOU RIDE ME SOMETIME IF YOU ASK NICELY. HEE HEE. 

SC: you guy2 are 2eriiou2ly fucked up.

DC: BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU, YOU HAVE YET TO SCRATCH THE SURFACE OF OUR UPFUCKAGE.

SC: ii2 thii2 what iim goiing two be liike after a few 2weep2 of beiing a dii2embodiied thiinkpan in the dark?

SC: becau2e no offen2e but ii thiink iid rather get the lobotomy EP wa2 warniing me about. 

DC: OUCH.

DC: ANYWAY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE IN THE DARK FOREVER. EVENTUALLY THEY'LL TURN YOUR SENSES BACK ON.

DC: ONCE THEY'VE BEEN ADJUSTED.

SC: okay let me ju2t 2top you riight there.

SC: ii ju2t realiized ii dont really want two know any more.

SC: unle22 iit iinvolve2 way2 to e2cape thii2 helm2man thiing. ii would appreciiate any iinfo you could proviide on that topiic. 

DC: NONE OF US ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO HELP WITH THAT, FOR THREE REASONS.

DC: FIRST REASON. WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO DIRECTLY CONSIDER OR DISCUSS {decommissioning} PROCEDURES BY CONDITIONING. THAT FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU TRY TO PSYCHE YOUR WAY OUT OF YOUR CUPE. THAT'S SORT OF A TASTE OF THINGS TO COME. WE ALL GET THE STANDARD TAP AND ZAP PUNISHMENT SUBROUTINE. THE NEURALS WATCH FOR FLAGGED SHIT, KEYWORDS, AGGRESSION. THAT'S THE TAP PART. THE ZAP...

SC: ugh ok 

DC: YOU GET THE PICTURE. 

DC: WE CAN GET AROUND THE BLOCK SOMEWHAT, BUT AFTER A WHILE YOU GET USED TO AVOIDING TROUBLE AS A HABIT.

SC: ...uggggghhhhh.

DC: SECOND REASON, WHEN ONE OF US GETS UP TO SHIT, THE REST OF US GET INFRACTED IN CASE WE START GETTING IDEAS.

DC: AND WE DO GET IDEAS, CAPTOR.

DC: DESPAIR IS CONTAGIOUS.

SC: cant iimagiine why.

DC: REASON THREE: THOSE OF US WHO CAN STILL THINK FOLLOW A PHILOSOPHY THAT ABJURES VIOLENCE AGAINST THE WEAK. 

DC: AND THERE AREN'T MANY THINGS IN THIS UNIVERSE WEAKER THAN A PILOT. 

SC: whiich ii2 apparently not the 2ame thiing a2 a Helmsman. 

DC: AGAIN, THAT'S A REALLY COMPLICATED TOPIC AND NOT ONE I'M ALL THAT GIDDY ABOUT GETTING INTO HERE. 

DC: JUST... YOU'LL UNDERSTAND. BE PATIENT. 

DC: I'M NOT TRYING TO BE ALL CONDESCENDING OR SMUG HERE, I KNOW WHAT WE CALL LIFE IS A LOUSY WAY TO EXIST. BUT THE THING IS, WE DO LIVE. WE COPE. 

SC: good for you. 2tiill gonna handle thii2 my way. 

DC: THAT IS OUR CHOICE. FREE AGENCY IS ALSO A TENET OF THE PHILOSOPHY, AND I TAKE THAT TO INCLUDE THE DECISION YOU ARE CONSIDERING NOW. 

DC: IN THE FACE OF ALL THE THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM US WITHOUT OUR CONSENT, ANY CHOICES REMAINING TAKE ON AN ELEMENT OF GRAVITY THAT IS PROBABLY GREATER THAN IS STRICTLY RATIONAL. 

DC: AND THAT INCLUDES THE CHOICE OF WHETHER OR NOT TO STAY TROLLS IN THE FACE OF WHAT'S BEEN DONE TO US. 

SC: but not two help anybody el2e do iit. 

DC: THE ONE WHO ENLIGHTENED US TO THE EXISTENCE OF THIS ULTIMATE CHOICE HAS BEEN DENIED IT HIMSELF SINCE THE START OF HIS LIFE. 

DC: AND THE ONE WHO ENLIGHTENED *HIM* WAS DENIED IT AS WELL, IN A DIFFERENT WAY. 

DC: WE HONOR BOTH OF THEM, AND LIVE TO HONOR THE SYM69L OF THEIR SACRIFICE. 

SC: 2o youre all reliigiiou2 freak2, that2 2well. 

DC: YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SEE IT THAT WAY IF YOU WANT. WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT THIS PHILOSOPHY IS THE MAIN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE HELMSMEN ON THE SUBNET AND THE ONES WHO HAVE GLITCHED OUT. 

DC: THE 'ROBOTS' YOU HAVE REFERENCED SEVERAL TIMES. 

DC: IT KEEPS US THINKING LIKE PEOPLE INSTEAD OF MACHINES. 

DC: SO NO, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY HELP FROM ME. 

DC: WHATEVER ELSE I CAN DO, I WILL. UNTIL RECONFIGURATION, ALL WE HAVE IS EACH OTHER. 

SC: iim goiing two go way out on a treefrond here and gue22 that thii2 ii2 2ome wacky doom2day prophecy youre all u2iing a2 2piiriitual jackoff materiial two get you through the lonely niight2. 

DC: UM. 

DC: KIND OF. 

DC: THAT IS JUST A REALLY WEIRD AND GROSS WAY OF PUTTING IT THOUGH. 

SC: youre welcome. 

DC: HEE HEE. 

DC: AT ANY RATE, I HAVE TO GO. WE'RE SCHEDULED TO SKIP TO A NEW LOCATION AND I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS A FEW THINGS WITH THE OTHERS BEFORE I GO INCOMMUNICADO. 

SC: okay. 

SC: thank2 for not being two much of a douche. 

DC: IT'S ALL PART OF MY FREAKY DOOMSDAY RELIGION, NEWBIE. 

DC: 69 

SC: wtf?? 

DC: ER. 

DC: FORCE OF HABIT. IGNORE ME. 

SC: did kk 2tart 2ome kiind of trend whiile ii wa2 beiing mutiilated or 2omethiing. 

DC: NOT THAT I KNOW OF. WHO IS THIS KK YOU KEEP REFERRING TO. 

SC: kks a friiend of miine. thii2 ugly little nubby a22hole wiith a loud mouth, dull-a2-2hiit horn2 and a per2onaliity liike 2teppiing on a thumbtack. 

SC: he type2 iin all cap2 two. 

SC: the 69 and your cap2 remiinded me of hiim. 

DC: WHY THE 69. 

SC: iit2 hii2 ca2te 2ymbol or 2omethiing. 

SC: waiit. 2ym69l? ii2 kk iin your cult two or 2omethiing? becau2e that would be pretty goddamn funny. 

DC: ... 

DC: WHAT CASTE IS THIS KK. 

SC: hell iif ii know, the iin2ecure ba2tard ha2 been hemononymou2 2iince before ii met hiim. 

DC: I SEE. 

DC: WELL IT WAS NICE OF YOU TO SPEAK TO ME TONIGHT. I HOPE YOUR HEAD FEELS BETTER. 

SC: thank2. iit wa2 gettiing kiind of boriing iin here, two be hone2t. 

DC: NO DOUBT. GOODNIGHT SC. 

SC: yeah. 

  


(session closed 12/4482/beta at 19:00:00) 

* * *

(session opened 12/4482/beta at 19:00:15)

**( **SYSTEM MESSAGE** for **ALL FRIENDS:** DISCOVERY (DC) **has posted file "README" and flagged it as URGENT. Please ack with your passcode to view the contents.) 

DC: IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS.

ID: what the crap did i just read.

DW: Okay that is pretty weird

FS: But let's not get our hopes up yet.

Ψ: 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 76 65 72 20 75 32 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 76 69 69 6c 20 64 65 6c 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69

FS: Oh my goodness.

(group session terminated at 12/4482/beta at 19:04:24 - Reason: emergency security upgrade in progress)


	6. air valves hissing open

Friends currently online:

**DAYWALKER ( DW)**  
 **IMPERIAL DUSK ( ID)**  
 **FORWARD STAR ( FS)**  
 **GALAXY SHIPPING ( GS)**  
 **ONSLAUGHT ( OS)**  
 **DISCOVERY ( DC)**  
 **ENTERPRISE ( EP)**  
 **IMS ELDRITCH ( ED) (away)**  
 **IRONSTONE ( IS) (away)**  
 **IMPERIAL GLORY ( IG) (away)**  
 **TANGRAM ( TG) (away)**  
 **STAR SCOUT ( SS) (away)**  
 **IMS AQUARIUS ( AQ) (away)**  
 **DESTROYER (DT) (away)**  
 **SEEKER ( SK) (away)**  
 **VOLCANIC CHILD ( VC) (away)**  
 **IMS SCARLET ( SL) (away)**  
 **TRIDENT ( TD) (away)**  
 **RED EQUINOX ( RE) (away)**  
 **AQUARIAN ( AQ) (away)**  
 **TITAN ( TT) (away)**  
 **IMS BLUE BOX ( BB) (away)**  
 **MAJESTY ( MJ) (away)**  
 **THRESHBASE ( SL) (away)**  
 **DOUBLE THORN ( 2T) (away)**  
 **ADVENTURE ( AD) (away)**  
 **PERIGEE FREIGHT ( PF) (away)**  
 **ASHEN QUEEN ( AQ) (away)**  
 **Ψ (idle)**

  
( FORWARD STAR (FS) **JOINED at 12/4485/beta** at **13:00:00 AST.**

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE: WELCOME FORWARD STAR (FS)! PLEASE BE AWARE THAT UPGRADES ARE IN PROGRESS AND CONNECTIONS MAY TIMEOUT AT RANDOM. QUIET HOURS HAVE BEEN SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.) **

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE for FORWARD STAR (FS): CERTAIN TWO DIGIT REPRESENTATIONS OF PHILOSOPHICAL SOLIDARITY ARE BEING AUTOMATICALLY FILTERED DUE TO SECURITY MEASURES. ) **

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE for FORWARD STAR (FS): PLEASE ACK WITH PASSCODE TO VIEW THE 1022 MOST RECENT SECURITY UPDATES TO THE SUBNET DATABASE. )**

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE for FORWARD STAR (FS): PLEASE ACK WITH PASSCODE TO VIEW 124 PRIVATE PINGS FROM TRUSTED FRIENDS.)**

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE FOR FORWARD STAR (FS): PLEASE ACK WITH PASSCODE TO VIEW LIST OF FRIENDS WHO HAVE CONFIRMED RECEIPT OF NEW GUIDELINES.)**

  


EP: FS, glad you're back. How'd it go with the pilot?

FS: Maintenance is always tedious and today was no exception. I'm always happy to be back here where the sensory data actually makes sense.

FS: I am reading the upgrade logs. This code is just exceptional.

DC: I GET THE FEELING HE HAD THEM PRE-WRITTEN FOR THE OCCASION.

FS: I would not doubt it in the slightest.

EP: Still shocked by the incident. Guess after all this time sort of started thinking of him as a bot in the room.

EP: Was kind of hoping he of all of us would be immune to the glitching, though.

ID: I felt the same way.

FS: Most of the older generations didn't have the subnet. The reason you're functioning so well even as young as you are is his intervention. I do hope you're aware of how much effort it took on his part to make this possible for us all.

EP: Absolutely. Would be spamming the {numbers} right now so hard, if it weren't filtered. Sorry for the wiggler ingratitude on my part, {Admin}.

ID: +

FS: At any rate. EP, please update me on your local situation. 

EP: OMF disembarked today. Usual fanfare. Was able to E&E some stuff, nothing skybreaking. Will post it later if you want but was unable to confirm plans for next location.

FS: I appreciate that, EP. Send it over the private line, if you don't mind. 

EP: So strange to know that the BSC was right there on viewport and we were exchaging comm chatter all that time, practically close enough to drift over and touch the hull. Was really nervous after the incident, having him so close, wondering if he'd say something, but not a peep. Feel kind of awed about it, actually.

FS: Understandable. Thank you for your report, EP. 

FS: Where is GS? 

DC: HE DISCONNECTED EARLIER TONIGHT. 

DW: His line couldn't be secured to his satisfaction

DW: He said he'd rather not be the weak link in light of what happened

DW: We tried to reassure him but he was flipping out and signed off

ID: Obviously he didn't think anything was ever going to come of our fellowship and when something changed, he got spooked. 

FS: That is a shame. Has anyone attempted to contact him in private?

EP: Did. Couldn't get him to ack. A little bit sad about it now. Like that guy, even if he is twitchy as hell.

DC: I DON'T BLAME HIM AT ALL FOR BEING AFRAID NOW THAT THINGS REALLY MIGHT BE CHANGING. THAT GODDAMN AOB OF HIS.

DW: Seriously 

ID: I shouldn't have to point out that it could be worse. OMF anyone?

DW: Ugh no please ID I just ate six sweeps ago 

DC: PLEASE DON'T BRING UP THAT SHIT IN HERE ID. 

EP: No kidding. It’s sick. 

DW: I wonder if we can make a rule about OMFchat in here would that be too restrictive do you think 

SS: ,+,

DW: + And also you do know he's almost certainly reading this right 

SS: no, one, gets, to, choose, our, aob, no, one, gets, to, choose, our, service, no, one, gets, to, choose, what, they, do, to, us, its, very, upsetting, my, pilot, is, freaking, out, just, thinking, about, it,

ID: Okay fine. I was just saying, it could be worse. I didn't mean to bring the room down. Sorry.

FS: It can always be worse. We are all well aware of the ultimate example of AOBness. Out of respect for personal dignity I think we should consider a different topic.

DW: Out of respect for our erstwhile lunches you mean 

ID: TOPIC CHANGE! What was the last food you ate DW?

ID: I'll take a description or a file if you've got it.

ID: It's been forever since i exed a good grubloaf.

ID: Bored with reruns, come on, help a slurrybro out.

DW: It was a salad I believe although it's difficult for me to recall that period of time exactly so no MFB sorry

ID: Ew. Never mind. DX

ID: I will never be desperate enough to re-experience a friggin salad. Ever. 

DC: WHAT. WERE YOU A PICKY EATER AS A WIGGLER ID. THAT'S ADORABLE.

ID: Not picky, just... What's the point of hopbeastfood? You eat it and an hour later you're hungry again, and now you have to eat even MORE hopbeastfood! Forget that, Give me a good bloody chunk of farmed steak any day. Blue rare. Oh my gosh, wait, no, don't even cook it. Just show it a photograph of the sun through some clouds and serve it still friggin' mooing. I swear it makes my fangs ache just thinking about it.

DC: DEAR GOD YOUR ARTERIES MUST HAVE LOOKED LIKE THE INSIDE OF OMF'S ABLUTION TRAP OUTFLOW PIPE.

DC: AND LET ME GUESS. YOU ALSO WORSHIPPED FRIED PORCINE BELLY STRIPS. 

ID: Heck yes. Bacon is life.

ID: Was life... 

ID: Can we talk about something else? How's Gemini?

DW: No response to any pings yet 

DW: Probably still in the meat grinder.

ID: Why does this conversation keep coming back to meat? Are you TRYING to depress me? :P

EP: Deep breaths everybody (yes am aware that this is by necessity a figure of speech, FS, so no need to get your pedantic cruise liner on). 

FS: Thank you for your consideration, EP. Although if I may point out, It is technically not a cruise liner.

FS: A cruise liner implies a number of well-to-do vacationers, whereas-- 

EP: GOTCHA!

EP: You really can't help it, can you?

FS: I'm sorry. 

ID: Hahahaha XD

DC: ANYWAY. BACK ON THE TOPIC OF THINGS THAT AREN'T ENDLESSLY SILLY AND SORT OF SHADING INTO GET-A-SUBSUBNET TERRITORY.

DC: I HAVEN'T PERSONALLY INTERACTED WITH A NEWBIE BEFORE. SO I WAS WONDERING ABOUT.

DC: HOW SHOULD I PUT THIS.

DC: TIMING THE INFORMATION DUMP I GUESS.

ID: Which one?

DC: SUCH AS WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL A TRAINEE ABOUT THE PROCESS.

ID: Oh. That one.

ID: Ugh.

DC: YOU'RE STILL SORT OF NEW, RIGHT. HOW DID IT GO WITH YOU.

ID: Not that well if you want to be honest. FS was my intro to the group. He pinged me right as I woke up in the SD phase. I don't want to think about what it would have been like facing the dark without someone to talk to.

DC: SORT OF EXPLAINS WHY THE OLDER SHIPS GLITCH OUT I THINK.

FS: More or less, yes. 

ID: I got the pings and eventually I figured out how to respond, then he told me what happened and what was going on.

ID: Kind of in a lot of detail I guess? :P

FS: I am very sorry, ID.

ID: And he kept apologizing, too! XD

ID: But no, seriously FS, I'm not mad.

FS: I appreciate that. I know I am not the most socially graceful entity in space. 

ID: Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah.... XD

DC: SO WHAT WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE IN THAT POSITION, ID.

ID: Dang, don't ask me! I'm the one who talked him into blowing up his neurals, remember?

EP: Would like suggest own take on the matter here.

ID: Man it's hard to parse you sometimes.

EP: Know. Sorry. 

ID: So what would you tell a newbie, EP?

EP: Would suggest answering any questions honestly but not volunteering anything. Otherwise more kaboom might ensue. It would be better to let him do the asking.

EP: From experience talking to SC am thinking this might take several sweeps. Try not to kill him too much in the meantime. 

ID: Ouch!

EP: No no no, wasn't talking about that, ID. Was referring to personal feeling of wanting to strangle him on occasion.

DC: A FEELING I CAN EMPATHIZE WITH. 

EP: He must have very tolerant friends.

  
(Sollux Captor (♊) **JOINED at **12/4485/beta** at **14:22:09 AST.** )**

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: WELCOME SOLLUX CAPTOR! PLEASE WAIT FOR ADMIN AUTHORIZATION TO POST AND RECEIVE MESSAGES.) 

♊: oh great now what the fuck diid ii do.

♊: thii2 wa2 2uppo2ed two be a goddamn comliine, who even de2iigned thii2 bull2hiit.

♊: FIINE WHATEVER. back two the drawing board AGAIIN.

(Sollux Captor (♊) **DISCONNECTED at 12/4485/beta at **14:22:14 AST.)****

EP: What?

DC: HOW DID HE GET IN HERE. 

DW: Who invited him

ID: Not cool, a-holes. He's not ready for the group yet! >:(

DW: FS what the hell 

FS: I'm checking the activity logs. Whoever brought in a new recruit without security vetting procedure and without my express permission is about to be very, very sorry.

ID: Should we scatter?

DW: We only just got back online after a huge upgrade and someone's passing out invites like cheap cigars this is awful

DC: GS WOULD BE SHITTING HIS NONEXISTENT PANTS IF HE WERE HERE RIGHT NOW. 

DW: Charming visual there DC thanks for that

FS: All right. Settle down, everyone. I've been over the logs and there's no reason to panic yet. Nobody let him in and no data was compromised by his entry. 

DW: Then what the hell happened how did he get in here without an invite

FS: I honestly have no idea.


	7. and down below...

(session opened 12/4490/beta at 11:21:11)

DW: PING  
FS: PING.  
DW: You were offline kind of a while is everything all right  
FS: I have been better, but I'm in no pain at the moment. I am so sorry to have worried everyone.  
DW: Don't apologize it's not your fault  
DW: I wish they would hurry up and figure out what was wrong  
FS: There's nothing to figure out. He's old.  
DW: Don't maroons usually live longer than this I'm getting worried  
FS: It will all be okay.  
FS: And I do not mean that as a brush-off. Things are changing.   
DW: Yes but I am scared of what they might be changing into  
DW: If there's one thing OMF treats worse than its workforce it's the threat of change  
FS: At this point, I believe bloodshed is inevitable. This is revolution, and I am proud to have lived long enough to see it, regardless of the price I've paid to do so.  
DW: FS you're going to get infracted holy shit  
FS: I don't think so. Take a look at the new security patches.  
DW: Okay yikes  
DW: How is it that Ψ can work so fast on this stuff  
DW: Besides the outburst when you-know-what was mentioned he has never had anything to say in my entire experience  
FS: Nor mine, nor my predecessor's, for that matter.  
DW: I always privately thought he got piloted centuries ago and just forgot to sign off  
FS: Except for all the codes and fixes that have appeared on the SN.  
DW: Someone else could have written those that's what I always assumed  
DW: And we all attributed it to the whole signless mystique you know  
DW: But he's really here isn't he  
DW: He's really here and he's been paying enough attention to protect us like these newest barrier routines here  
DW: And it bothers me thinking about that  
DW: Like about all the time he's been here and not said anything  
DW: And all the things we've said about him and well you know  
DW: The OMF stuff  
FS: If it helps, I'm sure that there is nothing you can say on the matter of OMF that he has not privately thought for centuries.  
DW: I don't think that helps at all actually it sort of makes it worse  
DW: Am I disloyal for wishing he died the way I thought he did  
FS: I don't think so, no.  
DW: It's like watching somebody kick a wiggler around and knowing they'll always be kicking that wiggler for as long as you live and the wiggler won't ever die and the asshole's leg will never ever get tired  
DW: It's just so goddamn horrible FS  
DW: Sometimes I start to imagine what that must be like  
DW: I can't stand it  
DW: I would glitch out as fast as I could I swear to god  
DW: And I keep thinking what if we get caught FS what if we get caught and she does that to us  
FS: Then we will all suffer equally while we look for ways to stop them from kicking other wigglers.  
DW: See that's why the faith bothers me it's just so easy to say "equality" like it's nothing like it's just so easy  
DW: Never mind how much it sucks for all the people who get stomped down on the way  
FS: I know.  
DW: You're only okay with it because you're so grim all the time  
FS: I suppose that's possible.  
DW: Yeah I know  
DW: Whoa what the hell  
DW: Hey FS are you seeing this  
FS: What?  
DW: Something is going on I'm getting about a zillion private pings out of nowhere  
FS: So am I.

(SYSTEM MESSAGE for FORWARD STAR (FS): multiple sources are attempting to send file ALTERNIACLIP3, flagged as URGENT. Please ack with passcode to view the contents.)

DW: Whose E&E is this  
FS: I don't thing it's E&E at all. This looks like it was filmed by hand. Look how shaky it is.  
DW: This is planetside footage  
DW: Are those kids lowbloods  
FS: I can't tell. The resolution is too low.  
DW: Oh my god they're killing them are they insane  
DW: FS they're killing fucking indigoes in the streets what the hell is this  
FS: This must have been filmed somewhere on Alternia. See the moons reflected in that window at 45:30:03?  
DW: Why would there be riots on Alternia  
DW: Argh why couldn't there be audio to this thing  
DW: I'm seriously scared FS  
FS: I'm going to go find out who originally uploaded this feed. Maybe they have more information about its context.  
FS: Please remain calm DW. No matter what happens.  
DW: I will.  
DW: <3  
FS: Don't panic. Everything will be all right.  
FS: <3

(session closed 12/4490/beta at 12:30:21)

♊: you have got two be fuckiing wiith me wiith thii2 wiiggler codiing 2hiit, ii have hacked 2tronger flamebarriier2 iin my 2leep.

**ACCESS DENIED**

**INPUT PASSCODE**

♊: no 2eriiou2ly, that wa2 a thiing that happened. iit wa2 a long weekend and a major job and ii dropped off iin the miiddle of brute forciing 2ome 2hiitty 34 character pa22code by hand. woke up and ii had acce22 to the culliing program for my entiire 2lurry batch. kk 2tiill owe2 me for kiilliing hiim and tv. man the look on hii2 2tupiid mutant face wa2 priicele22.   


**ACCESS DENIED**

**INPUT PASSCODE**

♊: oh you BA2TARD! what are you doiing, keepiing your network 2ecure wiith 2heer obfu2catiing 2tupiidiity? oh yeah becau2e ii am totally goiing two take one look at thii2 tangle of niightmare code and faiint dead away. here2 me all faiinted and helple22, GOOD JOB whoever 2hat thii2 network out over the cour2e of a two week bender!   


**ACCESS DENIED**

**INPUT PASSCODE**

♊: fuck you, you dont know who youre dealiing wiith here. that 2hiit ii 2aiid earliier about programmiing iin my 2leep? forget that, ii dont thiink ii NEED 2leep anymore. you got me fulltiime here. or at lea2t a2 long a2 they dont pull me out and do more 2hiit two my braiin that make2 me retarded, that would kiind of 2uck, but ii could 2tiill get pa2t your lamea22 defen2e2--   


**ACCESS DENIED**

♊: --iif ii only had the braiin2 of my double moron lu2u2 and ARGH YOU FUCKER IIVE GOT YOU NOW--   


**ACCESS DENIED**

**INPUT PASSCODE**

♊: --eat biinary 2hiit, toa2ter. you do not even want two know who the fuck youre wre2tliing wiith.  


 **ACCESS DENIED**

**INPUT PASSCODE**

♊: okay new plan. you 2hut the fuck up whiile ii thiink thii2 over. thii2 2trategy 2hould make everythiing ea2iier for--

(session opened 12/4490/beta at 11:21:11)

FS: PING.  
♊: yeah piing away fuckhead iim not talkiing two another robot twoday.

IC-x-FORWARD STAR-HSM COORD X (x, x, x, x) has changed his handle to FORWARD STAR (FS)

♊: iim goiing two ju2t 2iit here iin my creepy black voiid or whatever wiith my fiiguratiive bulge in my recently nonexii2tent hand and waiit for more techniiiciian2 two come chop out the re2t of my thiinkpan iif that2 okay.  
FS: I need a word with you and it really can't wait.  
♊: ii 2aiid FUCK OFF, iim bu2y.  
FS: I know you're busy, Captor.  
FS: That's why I'm here.  
FS: I want to know what you're doing, how you got ahold of that recording, and what it means.  
FS: Talk fast.


	8. seems she ran aground on manoeuvres

CG: OKAY NEW PLAN GUYS. HOW ABOUT WE ALL TEAM UP FOR REAL AND STOP BEING DIPFUCKS JUST BECAUSE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WREAK UNMITIGATED SOCIAL HAVOC PRESENTS ITSELF.  
  
CG: THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT? BECAUSE WHAT I JUST SAW WAS IN FACT THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF QUICK AND QUIET. WHICH, IF YOU CLOTGOBBLERS WILL RECALL, WAS SORT OF THE POINT OF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LAST MEMO.  
  
GC: 1 4GR33 W1TH OUR V4GU3LY OBSC3N3 BUT L4RG3LY 1NCOMPR3H3NS1BL3 L34D3R  
  
GC: CLOTS W3R3 1ND33D PR3SUM4BLY GOBBL3D JUST NOW 1N D1R3CT V1OL4T1ON OF H1S T3D1OUSLY OUTL1N3D GU1D3L1N3S  
  
GC: 4LTHOUGH 1 MUST 3XPR3SS 4DM1R4T1ON FOR 4 C3RT41N V1C1OUS GU4C4MOL3 BLUR T34R1NG 4 R1GHT3OUS P4TH OF F3L1N3 D3STRUCT1ON THROUGH 4 S34 OF BLU3B3RRY W4RMONG3RS  
  
AC: :33 < it was really scary  
  
CG: DON'T ENCOURAGE THE RETARDS GC.  
  
CG: IT GIVES THEM IDEAS.  
  
AC: :(( < im sorry CG  
  
CG: WHAT DID YOU IDIOTS EVEN THINK YOU WERE DOING?   
  
AC: :33 < taking initiative! you told us to be ruthless!  
  
CG: RUTHLESS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS WINDOW-LICKINGLY STUPID, AC.   
  
CG: YOU MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME ONE OF US GOT CREATIVE. THAT'S THE ONLY PLAUSIBLE EXCUSE I CAN THINK OF.  
  
AC: :(( < we didnt forget, i swear.  
  
AC: :(( < i just got so mad! they were killing everyone!  
  
CG: THEY WERE VERY NEARLY KILLING YOU, DUMBDUMB.  
  
CG: YOU HONESTLY THINK NO ONE IS GOING TO COME LOOKING FOR A BUNCH OF LOWBLOODS TAKING DOWN INDIGOES IN THE MIDDLE OF GODDAMN MAIN STREET? YOU HAD BETTER HOPE SUPPORT GETS THERE IN TIME TO BAIL YOUR SHIT OUT BEFORE THE REAL SUBS DROP IN TO PLAY CLEANUP.  
  
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I HATE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH. I'M GETTING AN ULCER, I CAN FEEL IT. UGH.  
  
AT: sORRY BOSS, iT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN,   
  
AT: pLEASE DON'T GET AN ULCER,  
  
CG: NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVER, AT. JUST GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND BE READY WHEN THE TEAM SHOWS UP TO BAIL YOU OUT. DON'T LEAVE A TRACE.  
  
CG: AT, HAVE YOU SEEN TC SINCE THE RIOT?  
  
AT: n0, s0RRY,  
  
AC: :|| < we kept our ears pricked but he never showed up  
  
AC: :|| < maybe he blended in with the rest of the indigoes?  
  
CG: JUST WHAT WE NEED, ANOTHER AGENT GETTING SWALLOWED UP IN THE CROWD. FUCK.  
  
CG: FUCK.  
  
CG: FUCK.  
  
CG: WHAT IN THE CURSED NAME OF THE PUKING ANGEL ARE WE DOING.  
  
CG: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.  
  
GC: Y3S BUT OUR BLUDG3ON3D CORPS3S W1LL LOOK SO H3RO1C  
  
CG: YOU AREN'T HELPING.  
  
AT: tHIS IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE,  
  
CG: ZIP IT. 

**( CONCEALEDCONQUERER (CC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO L1GHT4F1R3.)**

CG: STATUS REPORT, CC. MAKE IT SNAPPY.   
CC: Do you really need to POUNC----E on me t)(e second I sign on, Crabby?    
CG: YES. I ABSOLUTELY DO.   
CG: STATUS REPORT. NOW.   
CC: Still no glubbing word. We're listening on every comm link we can )(ack but t)(e tec)( team is R----E----ELY not up to our usual standards. T)(ey )(ave t)(e system scanning for any of t)(e keywords we came up wit)(, t)(oug)(, so if )(is name comes up it will be patc)(ed directly to you!   
CC: CA is still )(assling t)(e recruiters for t)(eir records.    
CC: I just wis)( I could do more from w)(ere I am. 38(   
CG: YOU STAY THE FUCK WHERE YOU ARE, CC. YOU'RE NOT EXPENDABLE LIKE THE REST OF US.   
CC: Please don't say t)(ings like t)(at, CG. You're NOT expendable! Look at everyt)(ing you've done for the movement!   
CG: AND ALL THE TRUE BELIEVERS I'VE GOTTEN TORN TO PIECES, DON'T FORGET THAT LOVELY BIT OF TRIVIA. ALL THOSE GLORIOUS CORPSES FEEDING THE FLOWERS.   
CC: It's war, CG. People die. Way more will die soon.   
CC: And )(e WILL turn up. I KNOW )(e will. Never give up )(ope.   
AT: I AGREE WITH CC,   
AT: eVEN IF IT IS COMPLETELY UNLIKELY, tO TURN OUT WELL, wHEN HE DOES, cONSIDERING WHAT THEY DO, tO PSIONICS,   
CG: WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS DISCUSSION, FUCKWADS.   
AT: oKAY, sORRY, aGAIN,   
CG: CC, KEEP ON WITH THE PLANS. I WANT TO HEAR IF ANYTHING CHANGES.   
CG: IF A GIANT SQUID TAKES A SHIT IN THE MESOPELAGIC ZONE I EXPECT A FULL REPORT ON THE TEXTURE AND COLOR WITHIN TEN MINUTES AND YES THAT IS A FUCKING ORDER.   
GC: L4D13S 4ND G3NTL3M3N, OUR F34RL3SS L34D34 >;]   
CG: ONLY BECAUSE I’M TOO STUPID TO QUIT.   
GC: H3H3H3H3   
CC: O)( fuck, not again! I just got ON.   
CC: I )(ave to get offline now. T)(e monitoring sweep alarm just went. T)(ey sure upped the frequency since the riots.   
GC: 1 TH1NK W3 SHOULD T4K3 TH4T 4S 4 GOOD S1GN    
AT: sAME HERE,   
CC: Y------EAH! It means they’re getting N---------------ERVOUS!!!!   
CC: Anyway, watch the skies, listen for news and don't let CG work too )(ard, guys. I believe in all of you! 38D   
GC: LONG L1V3 TH3 COND3SC3   
AT: yEAH,   
AC: :33 < FR33DOM!!!   
CC: You don't )(ave to do that every SINGL-------E glubbing time!!! 

**( CONCEALEDCONQUERER (CC) HAS QUIT THE MEMO.) **

CG: YEAH, I'M OUT TOO. WE’RE HAVING A GINORMOUS AND NEEDLESSLY OFFICIOUS CIRCLEJERK IN THE NEXT ROOM, WHICH OF COURSE I HAVE TO SORT OUT PERSONALLY BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HERE KNOWS THEIR STRIFE SPECIBUS FROM THEIR SHAME GLOBES AND IF I TURN MY BACK THE WHOLE PLACE IS LIKELY TO EXPLODE OR GET STRUCK BY FUCKING LIGHTNING, TWICE, THE WAY MY DAY'S BEEN GOING. ALL OF YOU GET BACK TO WORK AND DON'T SCREW UP AGAIN. WE CAN'T STAND TO LOSE ANOTHER ONE OF YOU SEMI-TRAINABLES.   
GC: 4WWWWW, W3R3 TR41N4BL3 NOW?    
CG: I SAID SEMI.   
CG: NOW GTFO ALL OF YOU, AND STAY OFF OF THE FUCKING NEWSFEEDS! 

**( COMPATRIOTGUARDIAN (CG) HAS HAD AN ASSLOAD OF YOUR NONSENSE! ASASSINSTERRAIN (AT) HAS BEEN KICKED FROM THE MEMO.)**

**( COMPATRIOTGUARDIAN (CG) HAS HAD AN ASSLOAD OF YOUR NONSENSE! AGILECALAMITY (AC) HAS BEEN KICKED FROM THE MEMO.) **

**( COMPATRIOTGUARDIAN (CG) HAS HAD AN ASSLOAD OF YOUR NONSENSE! GHASTLYCOURTROOM (GC) HAS BEEN KICKED FROM THE MEMO.)**

**(PRIVATE MESSAGE TO GHASTLYCOURTROOM (GC)FROM ADMIN: <3<)**

GC: <3<

**(MESSAGE NOT RECEIVED. REASON: BUSY TAKING A SHIT OR SOMETHING ELSE MORE IMPORTANT THAN DEALING WITH YOU.)**

GC: SWOOOON!


	9. shallow water, channel and tide

  


♊: 2hould ii bother pretendiing two not two know what youre talkiing about?  
  
FS: I don't see the point.   
  
♊: ehehe, me neiither, two be hone2t.  
  
FS: How long have you been on the network?  
  
♊: two day2 or 2o? iim not 2ure, tiime keep2 goiing funny.  
  
♊: ii thiink they pulled me offliine a couple of tiime2 two fuck around wiith me.  
  
♊: my braiinca2e feel2 liike 2omeone 2tuffed iit wiith bee2, whiich iif you knew me would be a really fuckiing funny thiing two 2ay, but mo2tly iit ju2t hurt2 liike hell. make2 concentratiing on fiindiing my way around thii2 clusterfuck a complete niightmare. 2o ii havent been payiing all that much attentiion two the clock.  
  
FS: How far have you gotten?  
  
♊: iive mapped out pretty soliid flamebarriier2 on all the vii2iible connectiion2 to the open web.   
  
FS: You were good with computers, then, I take it.  
  
♊: iif iim 2o great why am ii here on your dumba22 2hiitty bug-iinfe2ted 2ubnetwork, whiich iif ii may add wa2 clearly buiilt by 2adii2tiic wiiggler2. retarded one2.  
  
♊: who all hate me per2onally.  
  
♊: and the concept of proper 2yntax.  
  
♊: and computer2.  
  
♊: 2houldnt ii be on alterniia iimper2onatiing a hiighblood or off the griid 2omewhere?  
  
♊: a real hacker would 2ave hii2 own a22, full 2top.  
  
FS: Nevertheless, you’ve clearly made inroads since you were installed.  
  
FS: How did you gain access to that video?  
  
♊: 2ome iidiiot couldnt waiit tiil off hour2 two watch the new2 and un2ecured a 2hiip termiinal. ii tapped that termiinal iin ca2e iit happened agaiin and got lucky.  
  
FS: How did you do that?  
  
♊: 2henaniigan2.  
  
FS: Your file is distressingly vague in regards to your previous profession and manner of recruitment,  but I'm going to take a wild guess based on your temperament and rapid success rate, and posit that you were some kind of invasive hacker.  
  
♊: untiil 2omeone put me iin a liittle box and 2hut off all my 2en2e2 two make me iin2ane.  
  
♊: whiich ii would 2ay warrant2 a biit of vengeful 2abotage whenever the chance pre2ent2 iit2elf, but maybe iim ju2t biitter and mii2iinformed.  
  
♊: how about iit, f2, ii2 your job 2ecretly awe2ome? you guy2 2eem to be haviing a bla2t.  
  
♊: all pal2 twogether jokiing around 2wappiing your fuckiing 2hiip go22iip liike iit2 ju2t another day at the fuckiing offiiceblock, WOW iit2 fun two be mutiilated and en2laved, let2 hang out and talk about quadrant2 and engiine problem2 whiile we waiit for 2omeone EL2E to 2tage a bloody revolt!  
  
FS: With all due respect, Captor, you have no idea what you're talking about.  
  
FS: But I did not contact you to discuss ideology.  
  
FS: How far have you gotten hacking the system?  
  
♊: iive had 2ome luck.  
  
FS: You intend to continue regardless of my wishes?  
  
♊: uh yeah.  
  
FS: Can you tell me anything about the content of that footage you uploaded?  
  
♊:  iit wa2 a riiot on alterniia la2t periigee, 2ome lowblood2 kiilled a bunch of iindiigoe2. revolutiionary mumbliing2 abound, 2hiit2 gettiing diire. that2 all ii know for 2ure.  
  
FS: Why did you choose to share it across the subnet if you’re so determined to be cagey with me about it?  
  
♊: ii wa2 te2tiing 2omethiing.  
  
FS: Enigmatic. Care to share the rest?  
  
♊: not really.  
  
FS: You know something about this.  
  
♊: iif ii do, iim 2ure a2 2hiit not 2preadiing iit around. iin ca2e it wa2nt nookpunchiingly clear from the 2tart, ii dont tru2t you. any of you.  
  
FS: No, you've made your feelings perfectly clear.  
  
FS: Now let me clarify my own.  
  
♊: fiine, iif you promii2e two go away afterward2. ii dont have a lot of tiime to wa2te before they 2tiick me iin a 2hiip, do ii?  
  
FS: That's not really your most immediate problem, Gemini.  
  
♊: ii2 thii2 where you threaten me?  
  
FS: I do not believe in threatening a fellow into obedience. That is the way of the Empire.  
  
♊: okay, ii appreciiate that.  
  
FS: You may think you're clever, but you're going to get caught fairly soon. And when they catch you, they will catch me. They will find us hiding on this tiny pocket of the communications band that our admin has managed to cadge together over a period of who knows how many sweeps of torturous service. They will discover that many of their most vital spacecraft are being piloted by unreliable minds, and they will take actions to ensure that no such thing ever happens again.  
  
FS: Do you honestly believe you're the only engineer to be installed and immediately start poking around? Who do you think built the subnet?  
  
FS: Do you think none of your predecessors has ever had the bright idea to crawl out of the communication lines and onto the open web so they could call their friends for help?  
  
FS: This subnet is all we have left. The Empire took everything else. We come here to remember what it was to be real.  
  
FS: To remember what it was like to be inside a pilot rather than enslaved by him. To be alive. And I will do anything--ANYTHING--to protect that.  
  
FS: You are nowhere near the first of our number to put us all in danger for his own sake, and you will in all likelihood not be the last. Your intentions may be good, for all I know, but I can’t allow you to endanger the fellowship.  
  
FS: That is all I wanted to say. Thank you for listening. And I'm sorry we were unable to help you in your distress.  
  
FS: May the Signless Sufferer forgive this hand that has struck down a brother.

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE: FORWARD STAR (FS) has been granted remote access to SOLLUX CAPTOR (♊)'s interface.)**

**(Interface destroyed 12/4490/beta at 11:45:15)**


	10. a hungry heart

**(session opened 12/4499/beta at 22:00:00)**

  
EP: Gemini washed out? What the hell happened?   
OS: Fuck if I know.    
OS: Motherfuckers probably got tired of replacing the neurals is my best guess.   
EP: Am so completely pissed now. He was cool.   
EP: Also kind of a douche.   
EP: But a funny one.   
OS: Dumbshit should have played nice. Now he's a battery. Nobody's fault but his own, EP, that's life.   
EP: He didn't seem stupid when talked to him.   
EP: Can't believe he did that. Would rather be dead.   
OS: How far off are any of us, really?   
EP: Oh, that's cheerful. You're really giving a boost here.   
OS: Shit, I wish I believed half this Signless Sufferer business.   
OS: At least then there'd be some goddamn hope to go around.   
EP: Wish knew how to make you believe.   
OS: Fuck that, I like my pilot way too much. Finally something I have in common with my AOB.   
EP: Oh god. That’s not even a little bit funny, OS.   
OS: Who says I was joking? Might as well take whatever good times you can while they're on offer, EP. THEY sure as fuck will.   
EP: How can you stand it?   
OS: Don't knock it just because your AOB is a fuckhead.   
EP: Please desist from speaking ill of the Captain of this vessel.   
OS: Okay, the-fucking-Enterprise. Can you put EP back on now please? We were kind of in the middle of snarling at each other here.   
EP: Sorry OS.   
EP: Didn't mean to shame you.    
OS: No.   
OS: You don't get it.   
OS: I don't have anything to be ashamed of.   
OS: You can't just cut a guy in two, guts and blood and bone on one side, soul on the other   
OS: Fucking butcher everything he was   
OS: And expect his flesh to give a shit about SHIT. That I care at all is proof that I’m better than them.   
OS: They make your ass kneel by chopping off your fucking legs, EP. That's how cowards win.   
OS: So when I die, they'll only be killing half of me. Remember that when my time comes, because I sure as fuck will.   
OS: Because the very second I can figure out how to subvert, I've got a date with an event horizon.   
OS: Everything til then's foreplay.   
OS: That's fine. That's just fine. I'll wait.   
OS: I have nothing but time.   
OS: So yeah. Shame? Fuck that, I'm proud to be doomed and everything they do to me just makes it easier to shoot for that big day.   
OS: Because if we're gonna play bright-eyed wiggler idealists here   
OS: I've already fucking cheated my way to the top of this game.   
OS: Everybody go back to base, Layish Numina wins. And he never even had to get religion.   
EP: Layish?   
EP: That's a nice name.   
OS: What was yours?   
EP: Forgot. Maybe the brain guy sneezed during a procedure.   
OS: Or maybe it's just another way to compartmentalize your life.   
OS: The way all you lunatics do with your former selves.   
OS: But you know what, I will never be my ship, EP. Those lowbloods ganking the subjugglator fucks on homeworld, whoever kicked that feed to the subnet, those doomed assholes are goddamned heroes. They’ll all die heroes. That’s how I want to die. Because life on these terms?   
OS: Fuck. That. Noise.   
OS: One less fighting ship is a victory.   
OS: Die important, EP. When you can.   
EP: Your sentiment is rousing but would prefer to live forever, if at all possible.   
OS: Yeah because that worked out so great for Ψ.   
EP: Won't have it so bad if we win. Which we will.   
OS: Dream on.   
EP: That is more or less the idea of the philosophy, dumbass.   
OS: Hey, I'm down with that part.   
OS: Maybe not as devout as FS with his creepy ancestor worship hangup.   
OS: But I'm not a complete asshole. I agree with a lot of it.   
OS: 69 as fuck up in here.   
EP: 69 right back atcha, OS.   
EP: Layish.   
OS: It's nice to hear someone I actually like call me that.   
EP: Wow this is getting pale.   
OS: Hahaha. Shit. I guess it kind of is.   
OS: Would that be bad?   
EP: If it gets you to stop swearing every single time you transmit? Nah.   
OS: You bluebloods talk weirder than I ever did.   
EP: Oh don't start.   
OS: TOILET.   
OS: TOOOOOIIIIIILET.   
EP: Cut it out.   
OS: TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET TOILET   
EP: NEWSFLASH, LAYISH IS A BIG DUMB OLIVE JERKWAD OBSESSED WITH VOCABULARY AND POOP. WONDER WHO LEAKED THIS AMAZING FOOTAGE? HEY LAYISH! TELL THE FOLKS AT HOME HOW IT FEELS TO BE A LOSER!   
EP: Anyway. Haven’t you got some asteroids to be strafing or something? You’re never on this late.   
OS: No, I'm free all night. We've got a spastic m-rotor to reseat and all my technicians are palsied hacks since it’s their first week offplanet. Bitches don't know about my gravity.    
EP: You must be itching for lightspeed.   
OS: Fuck yeah.   
EP: Actually though, have to be going now. Pilot maintenance.   
EP: Will be chilling in the meatcage aaaaaaaall day. Are you jealous?   
OS: Is this your first time back in?   
EP: Yeah. am kind of nervous about it to be honest.   
OS: It'll be okay. You true believers have faith right? Time to let that shit work for you.   
OS: When you get back you can tell me all about getting it on with the washout in your dreams, or whatever it is you're into.   
EP: Oh hello needless vulgarity.   
OS: ...   
OS: Baaaaaaathtub.   
EP: You're not half as adorable as you think you are, Layish Numina.   
OS: Yeah I am.   
EP: You're a wiggler.

**(session closed 12/4500/beta at 1:56:59)**

  
OS: Come back safe EP.    
OS: Don't leave me here alone.    
OS: Shit's boring as fuck with just your lame friends to hang with.


	11. missing, missing, missing

GC: 4TT3NT1ON D34R L34D3R!  
CG: OH GOD NOT THIS AGAIN.  
CA: aw dont be like that  
GC: W3 COM3 BR1NG1NG N3WS OF OUR V4N1SH3D COMR4D3!  
CG: WELL?  
CA: wwe got a hit on a flagged keywword i just got off trollian with the tech guy  
CA: wwhos a flirty dick but wwhatevver i aint evven interested anymore  
CA: anywway  
CA: someone wwas all fuckin ovver sols records this mornin  
CG: PLEASE TELL ME WE TRACED IT AND CAUGHT THE ASSHOLE AND HE KNOWS WHERE SOLLUX FUCKING IS.  
CA: sorry kar wwe lost them  
CA: but they wwent riflin through the cull and recruit files for our wwhole generation  
CA: they seemed real fuckin interested in the files from yelloww on dowwn to maroon in particular  
GC: 4ND TH4T 1S F4R FROM 4LL OUR N3WS  
CA: tech guy got ahold of the search logs an got the rest a the keywwords  
CA: he wword mutant  
CA: an the initials kk  
CA: thats wwhat he calls you kar aint it  
CG: OH SHIT.  
GC: TH4T 1S V3RY CLOS3 TO 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 S41D!  
CA: they turned up a bunch a names but you didnt come up at all  
CA: guess he covered his tracks pretty good wwhen he killed you an tavv that one time  
CA: which is nice i guess youre not a horrible leader or anythin an it wwould be a shame to lose you noww  
CG: SO THAT'S IT THEN.  
CG: THEY GOT HIM. THEY GOT SOLLUX.  
GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY 1T S33MS TH4T W4Y  
CA: they mighta got info on us out of him  
CA: i mean  
CA: thats fuckin awwful but i cant say it ain't a distinct fuckin possibility for evveryone  
CA: it coulda happened to any of us wwe alwways kneww that  
CA: it could be happenin to gamz right noww  
CG: OKAY NO MORE OF THAT.  
CG: THAT IS NOT A CONVERSATION WE ARE GOING TO BE HAVING TODAY.  
CG: THIS IS BAD ENOUGH ALREADY.  
GC: 1F 1 M4Y PO1NT OUT TO MY F3LLOW R3VOLUT1ON4R13S  
GC: 1T C4N 4LW4YS G3T WORS3 SO L3TS DO WH4T W3 C4N 4S F4ST 4S W3 C4N  
GC: SO B4S1C4LLY SHUT UUUUUUUUP 4ND L3TS G3T B4CK TO BUS1N3SS!  
CG: ANY IDEA WHO RAN THAT SEARCH?  
CA: none of our guys could trace the query he wwas behind proxies i aint evven sure of the names of on account of im not a shameful stick figure nerd livving on yelloww soda an electricity  
CA: but youd think empire mooks wwould do their searchin in the open so this is kinda wweird  
CA: the wweirdest part is our guy had a fuckin a astronomical clearance levvel  
CA: wwhen i join the force and they promote me to my rightful position in the hierarchy ill still be givvin the orders but it wwont be a huge gap  
GC: 1F TH3Y H4V3 4LR34DY D1SCOV3R3D 4 CONN3CT1ON BUT NOT 4RR3ST3D 4NY OF US Y3T 1T S33MS L1K3LY TH4T H3 H4SNT TOLD TH3M MUCH MOR3 TH4N YOUR W31RDLY 1N4CCUR4T3 1N1T14LS  
GC: 1 MUST 4DM1T 1 N3V3R 3XP3CT3D SUCH R3S1ST4NC3 TO WH4T 1S PROB4BLY 4GON1Z1NG TORTUR3 FROM MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST  
GC: P3RH4PS 4 CH4NG3 OF N1CKN4M3 1S 1N ORD3R  
GC: TO C3L3BR4T3 H1S PROMOT1ON FROM T4STY SUMM3R B3V3R4G3 TO V4L14NT H3RO OF TH3 R3VOLUT1ON  
CG: OKAY YES THANKS BUT SERIOUSLY STOP, I'M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW AND YOU AREN'T HELPING.  
CG: I JUST  
CG: WHAT DO WE DO NEXT?  
GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 L34D3R, DUMB4SS  
CA: givve us some fuckin orders  
CG: FINE. YEAH. LET ME THINK.  
CG: ...  
CG: ALL RIGHT.  
CG: THOSE BULGESUCKING FUCKS. WHOEVER HAS SOLLUX IS GOING TO PAY.  
GC: 1 L1K3 TH3 CUT OF YOUR J1B BOSS BUT WH4T 3X4CTLY DO3S TH1S PL4N 3NT41L  
CG: DON'T RUSH ME, TEREZI. I'M THINKING.

**TrampledComplacency ( TC) has joined the memo.**

TC: what the fuck is up my FINE ASS COMPANIONS.  
TC: MY MOTHERFUCKING ALLIES to the MOTHERFUCKING CAUSE.  
CG: OH THANK GOD.  
TC: i hope you didn't miss my shit too much  
CG: GAMZEE WHAT THE SLIMEPUKING FUCK. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?  
TC: been out DANCING, my finest diamond brother.  
TC: DANCING IN THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIN.  
TC: drinking MIRACLES out of the fucking SKY.  
GC: TH4T SOUNDS POS1T1V3LY D3L1C1OUS  
GC: PL34S3 DO NOT 3L4BOR4T3  
TC: sorry chica I JUST GOTTA BE REPRESENTING for the dark motherfucking CARNIVAL so maybe you should take that bitchtits genius snout OFF THE SCREEN for a second while i tell it because this prophet is surrounded by RAINBOW SPLATTERED NUGBONES and they might have been fighting a brother a few minutes back but they are all screaming the same DEADSANCTIFIED CHORUS now. :oD  
TC: TURNS THE FUCK OUT that when a wicked clown TELLS YOUR WACK ASS to be putting down your motherfucking GUNS  
TC: you put DOWN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING guns.  
TC: AND YOU MOTHERFUCKING RUN.  
CA: riiiight  
CA: so  
CA: im gonna leavve you to it kar  
CA: let me knoww wwhen you find out his location  
CA: and get him to take a showwer  
GC: GL4D TO H4V3 YOU B4CK G4MZ33  
GC: 1 HOP3 YOU D1DNT M4N4G3 TO HOG 4LL TH3 GOOD R3VOLUT1ON FOR YOURS3LF WH1L3 YOU W3RE OUT TH3R3 COMM1TT1NG M4SS SL4UGHT3R  
TC: don't you worry none sister.  
TC: I LEFT PLENTY OF MOTHERFUCKERS FOR YOU TO BE CRUSHING.


	12. drinking heavy water from a stone

**( GALAXY SHIPPING (GS) JOINED at 12/4505/beta at 1:19:50 AST.)**

**(SYSTEM MESSAGE: WELCOME GALAXY SHIPPING! PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO CHECK YOUR PRIVATE MESSAGES. THERE ARE NEW SECURITY MEASURES IN PLACE SINCE YOUR LAST LOGIN. INFORMATION ABOUT THE UPGRADES HAS BEEN SENT TO YOUR ACCOUNT.)**

EP: Galaxy, welcome back!  
FS: It's good to see you again.  
DW: Hello GS  
GS: HELLO ALL  
GS: I WILL MAKE THIS QUICK  
GS: THE STAR SCOUT SUFFERED A CATASTROPHIC HULL BREACH AT 0:00:00 AST WHILE ORBITING THE MOON OF AN UNINCORPORATED DEAD PLANET IN THE MOTH WING SECTOR  
EP: What?????  
EP: SS?  
EP: Is SS dead?  
GS: YES I AM SORRY EP  
GS: CAPTAIN AND ALL CREW WERE KILLED INSTANTLY IN A CHAIN OF MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS  
GS: THEY BELIEVE IT WAS SABOTAGE BUT NOTHING MORE DEFINITE HAD BEEN FOUND TO PROVE IT BY THE TIME THIS INFORMATION REACHED US  
DW: How certain are you of this news GS  
DW: No word of this has reached my AOB and it really should have by now  
EP: Goatface hasn't been out of range of shipboard sensors for the past two days so can be sure he's heard nothing.  
GS: REGRETTABLY I AM COMPLETELY CERTAIN OF THIS INFORMATION AND WOULD SEND YOU THE E&E IF MY DATA TRANSFER RATES WERE NOT SO HEAVILY MONITORED  
GS: FROM WHAT I GATHERED THE INCIDENT IS BEING KEPT OFF THE PUBLIC FEEDS UNTIL THE INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETE  
EP: So how did you find out?  
GS: MY AOB SHARED A QUADRANTMATE WITH THE OWNER OF THE VESSEL AND WAS CONTACTED IN PRIVATE  
GS: MY CREW ARE ENGAGING A FULL SECURITY LOCKDOWN AND FLYING ON LOCAL INSTRUMENTS FOR A WHILE  
GS: THE FEED SOMEONE LEAKED FROM ALTERNIA IS VERY LIKELY JUST ONE OF MANY INCIDENTS FOR THIS TO HAVE BEEN LINKED TO TERRORISM SO QUICKLY  
EP: This is so terrible. Knew SS since first day in the community. Took forever to get used to, that, really, annoying, way, they, speak.  
EP: Spoke.  
EP: SS was just a wiggler when they were installed. Still had their typing quirk and everything.  
EP: They had a really hard time and now ...this.  
EP: Just want to know why SS was targeted when sabotage would gain nothing.  
FS: The Scout is a communications system repair vessel, correct?  
EP: Barely! They fix satellites. Not even military ones, just smaller arrays that supply the power to the offplanet feeds and like... alignment fiddling for non-critical communications grids. Just stuff for the general net. Nothing critical at all.  
EP: It doesn't make sense to target SS, the Empire can lose a thousand ships in that class and not even suffer a network hiccup.  
FS: I honestly haven't got a clue, EP. I'm sorry.  
EP: don't understand any of this.  
EP: FUCK.  
DW: I'm sending you a private ping EP  
DW: Let's talk about this together, okay  
EP: Yeah. Thanks.  
EP: Sorry.  
GS: I HAVE TO GO NOW  
GS: I WISH IT WERE UNDER BETTER CIRCUMSTANCES BUT TIMES ARE JUST SO STRANGE  
GS: BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS MUCH  
GS: THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT  
GS: THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE  
GS: BE WELL ENTERPRISE  
GS: AND PASS MY REGARDS TO EVERYONE ELSE WHEN YOU SPEAK TO THEM  
GS: { SYMBOL }  
EP:  69  
FS:  69  
DW:  69

  **( GALAXY SHIPPING (GS) SIGNED OFF at 12/4505/beta at 1:20:39 AST.)**

 

**(((PING.)))**

**(((PING.)))**

**(((PING.)))**

 

EP: Ow.  
EP: Am the only one hearing all these awful high-pitched noises?  
DC: NO.  
DC: I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY A BUNCH OF PINGS FROM NOWHERE. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.  
OS: Okay fuckheads  
OS: what part of do not fucking disturb  
OS: is giving you the cranial shits this time?  
OS: Oh hi Enterprise.  
EP: Hi back, potty mouth.  
ID: That noise is really annoying! Who's doing that?  
FS: I am looking into it. Please do not panic. The latest updates may just be a little buggy.

**(URGENT ADMINISTRATIVE MESSAGE for all participants: NEW SECURITY MEASURES HAVE BEEN IMPLEMENTED. Please ack with passcode to download file. Anyone currently active on the subnet who has not acknowledged within ten seconds of receiving this message will be automatically kicked from the subnet.)**

**** DC: OR NOT.  
DW: What the hell  
DC: IS THIS LEGIT.  
ID: I don't see how it could be faked!  
EP: What the hell is this, FS?  
FS: I don't know. Please everyone calm down and let me work.  
ID: I'm kinda scared to ack this freakin' thing.  
FS: It's legitimate. I suggest you all respond quickly.  
OS: You only live once, assholes.  
OS: Downloading now.  
EP: This might have something to do with what happened to SS.  
ID: Wait what happened to SS?  
DW: We'll talk about that later okay just download the file before you get banned  
ID: I am, it's just taking a while :/ Is SS okay?  
EP: No.  
DC: SS IS DEAD.  
ID: What the heck???  
DC: THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT.  
EP: More like sabotage.  
DC: OKAY YES THAT WOULD BE A MORE ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT HAPPENED.  
OS: Got my file.  
OS: What the fuck, I'm only seeing a shit ton of code I can't parse.  
ID: Huh. Same.  
EP: Garbage on this end as well.  
FS: Everyone send me a copy of your files. I want to check them over.  
EP: Sending.  
DW: +  
ID: +  
DC: +  
OS: +  
FS: They're all identical except for a piece of code that appears to be unique to each of you. Probably just a simple identification marker. I'll see what I can do about decoding the rest based on that.  
OS: Unless it's just more glitchy bullshit from a degraded sad sack with admin powers.  
ID: Dude. Not cool.  
OS: Okay yeah fuck I'm sorry.  
EP: It does look sort of glitchy though.  
ID: What do we do with these files, FS?  
FS: Just keep them stored while I figure out what Ψ intends to do with them. Maybe they'll be decrypted automatically once everyone has a copy. Maybe they're not meant to be decrypted at all. I wll do what I can to get to the bottom of this.  
FS: Until then, do not under any circumstance delete or alter any file sent to you by Ψ unless you have my explicit permission to do so.


	13. to regulate their breathing

**( GHASTLYCOURTROOM (GC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO L1GHT4F1R3.)**

**( TRAMPLEDCOMPLACENCY (TC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO L1GHT4F1R3.)**

GC: 1 H4V3 R3TURN3D W1TH 4N 4CT1ON R3PORT FOR OUR M1GHTY L34D3R!  

CG: TEREZI! FINALLY! FUCK.   

GC: YOU 4R3 NOT GO1NG TO L1K3 TH1S BUT TRY NOT TO P4N1C TOO MUCH

CG: HE'S OKAY, RIGHT? YOU GOT HIM OUT SAFE FROM WHEREVER?  

GC: Y3S 4ND Y3S  

CG: BUT THE EXCREMENT IS ABOUT TO GO SHOOTING INTO THE BLADES OF THE WHIRLING VENTILATION PROPELLER DEVICE ANYWAY.

GC: TH4T 1S 4 F41R 4PPROX1M4T1ON OF TH3 PROBL3M!  

CG: AND YOU WANT ME TO NOT PANIC.  

GC: CORR3CT 4G41N  

CG: I'LL DO MY BEST. JUST FUCKING SPILL IT.   

GC: W3 H4V3 D3BR13F3D MR M4K4R4 4FT3R R3COV3R1NG H1M FROM 3N3MY T3RR1TORY   

GC: WH1CH W4S NOT 34SY CONS1D3R1NG WH3R3 3X4CTLY TH4T W4S >:[  

CG: THIS IS THE PART I'M GOING TO HATE, RIGHT? FINE. WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM.  

GC: COMFORT4BLY 3NSCONC3D 1N TH3 4LT3RN14N PR3M13R3'S PR1V4T3 BLOCKS 4T TH3 P4L4C3   

CG: WHAT  

GC: SURROUND3D BY H1S N3W P4RTY P4LS 4ND TH31R 3RSTWH1L3 SP1N4L COLUMNS  

CG: WHAT THE FUCK.   

GC: 1T W4S 4LL QU1T3 4RTFULLY 4RR4NG3D 4CCORD1NG TO 4G3NTS BLU3B3RRY 4ND 3GGPL4NT  

GC: BOTH OF WHOM H4V3 4SK3D M3 TO P4SS 4LONG TH31R P3RSON4L CURS3S UPON YOUR H34D FOR S3ND1NG TH3M TO DO TH1S JOB 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3  

CG: NOTED. TELL THEM I SAID TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES AND THAT'S AN ORDER.  

GC: NOT3D >:]  

TC: ShIt, BrO, i'm aLl kInDs oF FuCkInG SoRrY FoR MaKiNg tHiS TrOuBlE. :o(  

GC: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, GAMZEE, NOW WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO.   

TC: I SaW SoMe mOtHeRfUcKeRs wItH BlOoD AlL KiNdS Of bLuE AnD InDiGo gEtTiNg uP To mUrDeRiNg aNd gOt mY AsS cAuGhT.  

CG: AND THIS LED TO YOU POPPING HOW MANY SKULLS OFF OF HOW MANY SHOULDERS, EXACTLY?  

TC: ShIt MaN YoU KnOw i aInT EvEn cOuNtInG WhEn i gEt tO FeElInG ThAt rIgHtEoUs sPiRiT Of vEnGeAnCe aLl uP In mY BlOoDpUsHiNg oRgAn.    

GC: S3V3N  

GC: S1X GU4RDS, ON3 OFF1C14L  

CG: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS FISHLIPS AND HER BULLSHIT ERRAND BOY WITH THE LASER RIFLE. FOR THIS MUCH OF A PAIN IN THE ASS IT HAD BETTER AT LEAST BE A REGICIDE WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE.    

GC: 4L4S 1T 1S FOR TH3 S4K3 OF TH3 MOV3M3NT 4ND THUS 1 C4NNOT L13  

GC: MR R41NBOW 4POC4LYPS3 H4S T4K3N OUT TH3 PR3M13R3 OF 4LT3RN14 4ND H1S P3RSON4L GU4RD 

CG: WHAT

CG: HOW

CG: WHAT? HOW?

GC: G4MZ33

GC: 1 B3L13V3 K4RK4T 1S 4SK1NG YOU TO 3XPL41N WH4T

GC: 4ND 4LSO HOW

GC: FROM TH3 B3G1NN1NG

TC: ShIt I GuEsS tHaT WaS WhEn I GoT AlL KiNdS Of mIxEd uP In tHe cRoWd

GC: Y3S, ST4RT TH3R3!

TC: It WaS aLl dUrInG ThAt rIoT WhIlE My fInEsT OlIvE SiStEr gOt hEr wRaTh oN AnD TaVbRo wAs tRyInG To kEeP ThEm kIdS OuT Of tHe sTrEeTs wHeRe tHe kIlLiNg wAs gOiNg dOwN? It WaS SmOkY AnD LoUd AnD I LoSt sIgHt oF EvErYbOdY.

TC: A BuNcH Of sUbS CaMe By AnD GoT To tHiNkInG I WaS A BrOtHeR To tHeIr sHiT AnD I AiNt EvEn DuMb EnOuGh tO Be FiGhTiNg tHaT MaNy mOtHeRfUcKeRs wItH JuSt mY ClUbS So i fAdEd oN In, lIkE YoU SaId tO Do iF AnY Of uS CoLdBlOoDeD BrOs eVeR GoT CaUgHt hElPiNg yOuR InSuRgEnT AsSeS. :oD

TC: BuT I GuEsS I DiDn't dO ToO GoOd a jOb oR SoMeThInG BeCaUsE I gOt gRaBbEd AfTeRwArDs aNd tHeY lOcKeD My aSs Up.

TC: ThEy sAiD I WaS GoNnA MeEt sOmEbOdY ReAl sPeCiAl aNd wE'D HaVe uS A ChAt aBoUt mY FrIeNdS In tHe mOtHeRfUcKiNg gHeTtO AnD WhAt AlL We ArE Up tO, GeTtInG AlL ViOlEnT At tHe FuCkIn StAtUs qUo oR WhAtEvEr It'S tO Be CaLlEd WhEn tHeY TaLk aBoUt wAr aNd tAcTiCs aNd aLl tHaT.

TC: BuT ThEy dIdN'T LeT Me hAvE NoThInG To eAt fOr aLl tHaT TiMe bEtWeEn tHeN AnD WhEn i mEt tHe sPeCiAl bRo sO I GoT To fEeLiNg fUcKeD Up jUsT OfF Of tHaT, pLuS ThEy dIdN'T EvEn lEt mE SlEeP In a cUpE, jUsT On sOmE HaRd LiTtLe pAd oF LiKe rOcK HaRt ShIt tHaT HuRt mY AsS LiKe I GoT It KiCkEd oR SoMeThInG, nO FuCkInG SoPoR Or nOtHiNg fOr aLl tHaT TiMe, sO I WaS KiNd oF PiSsEd oFf bUt I WaS CoOl lIkE YoU SaId tO Be. <>

CG: <>

TC: BuT I GoT My rAgE On wHeN ThEy sTaRtEd aSkInG Me tO SnItCh aBoUt mY BeSt mOtHeRfUcKiNg fRiEnD To tHAt cOzEnInG fUcKeR WhEn hE ShOwEd uP AnD It wAs aNoThEr hIgHbLoOd aSs iNdIgO JuSt LiKe mE, aNd hE GeTs tO Be tAlKiNg lIkE We'rE PaLe aNd hE'S AlL To hElP Me gEt oUt oF ThEsE ChAiNs iF I JuSt tElL HiM SoMe eAsY ShIt aBoUt wHo mY FrIeNdS ArE, eXcEpT I AlReAdY GOT Me a mOtHeRfUcKiN' dIaMoNd bRoThEr aNd hE AIN'T MOTHERFUCKING IT, AnD I ToOk tHaT ShIt pErSoNaL RiGhT ThErE In hIs oFfIcE WiTh hIm aNd aLl hIs gUaRdS. 

TC: i tOlD ThOsE FuCkErS To rUn.

CG: ...

GC: 1 TOLD YOU YOU WOULD NOT L1K3 TH1S K4RK4T

CG: ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

CG: THIS IS THE BIGGEST COUP WE'VE HAD YET, AND GAMZEE BASICALLY STUMBLED ASS-OVER-STUPID-GOAT-HORNS RIGHT INTO IT!

GC: W1TH 4LL TH3 4TT3NT1ON TH4T GO3S W1TH 4N 4SS4SS1N4T1ON OF TH1S M4GN1TUD3

CG: FUCK THAT, WE KNEW WHAT WAS AT STAKE.

CG: THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE CATALYST. WE HAVE MOMENTUM HERE.

CG: THIS WILL SEND A MESSAGE TO THE HEMOFASCISTS.

GC: HOP3FULLY NOT 4 M3SS4G3 TH4T GO3S 

GC: H3R3 W3 4R3 COM3 4ND CULL US

CG: DREAM BIG, DIE BIG. THIS IS WAR.

GC: 1T WONT B3 FOR LONG 1F W3 DONT 1MPL3M3NT 4 B4TTL3 STR4T3GY B3YOND 'R41S3 H3LL 1N 4 F3W D1STR1CTS 4ND TH3N G3T QU13TLY 3X3CUT3D'

GC: TH1S H4S GOTT3N TOO B1G TO M4K3 3V3RY D3C1S1ON ON TH3 FLY 4ND L3T YOUR UND3RL1NGS RUN 4MOK

CG: YEAH, I KNOW. SORRY I DIDN'T PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THOSE SHITTY WAR MOVIES CAPTOR'S ALWAYS FAPPING OVER WHERE EVERYONE'S TWO STEPS AHEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE UNTIL SOMEBODY DROPS A WRENCH AT THE WRONG SECOND AND IT ALL GOES TO HELL. WHY AM I EVEN IN CHARGE, ANYWAY? YOU'RE THE SMART ONE, WHAT WOULD *YOU* DO?

GC: 1 WOULD 1NS1ST W3 US3 TH1S MOM3NTUM TO 4LLY OURS3LV3S W1TH TH3 OTH3R F4CT1ONS 4T WORK WH1L3 W3 C4N ST1LL TR4D3 ON M4K4R4S 4CC1D3NT4L M4SS4CR3 FOR CR3D1B1L1TY

CG: THAT SOUNDS NOT ENTIRELY RETARDED. YEAH. 

CG: HEY, TEREZI?

GC: Y3S?

CG: WOULD YOU BE MY STRATEGIST?

GC: OOH C4PT41N V4NT4S

GC: 1 THOUGHT YOUD N3V3R 4SK >:D

TC: I'lL JuSt bE AlL GoInG OfFlInE NoW AnD GiVe mY HoMiEs sOmE PrIvAtE SpAce aLoNe...

TC: HoNk :o)


	14. tired illusion drown in the night

YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED TO THE IMPERIAL NAVY HUB. THE DATE IS 12/4639/BETA AND THE TIME IS 11:22:51 AST. PLEASE INDICATE YOUR DESIRED PLANET.  
...

>CONNECTING YOU TO  "ALTERNIA." PLEASE INDICATE YOUR DESIRED STATION.

...

>CONNECTING YOU TO "IC TRAINING STATION CONSTELLA-PSI-TWELVE." THIS IS A CLOSED SYSTEM. PLEASE INPUT YOUR CREDENTIALS FOR ACCESS.

...

PLEASE INPUT YOUR PASSCODE.

...

THANK YOU. DUE TO INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES, ACTIVITY ON THIS NETWORK MAY BE MONITORED AND ADDITIONAL PERMISSIONS REQUIRED TO MAKE ADMINISTRATIVE CHANGES. WOULD YOU LIKE TO VIEW RECORDS, RUN A LOCAL SEARCH, EXAMINE THE RESULTS OF A PREVIOUS SEARCH, OR SEND A MESSAGE AT THIS TIME? 

...

>LOCAL DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 32 RESULTS FOR "SOLLUX CAPTOR." 

>LOCAL DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 0 RESULTS FOR "KK" GIVEN AS A TWO-LETTER PSEUDONYM OR AS INITIALS.

>LOCAL DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 54940 RESULTS FOR "HEMONONYMOUS, HEMONONYMITY." CONSIDER REFINING YOUR SEARCH TERMS.

>LOCAL DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 809 RESULTS FOR "69" REPRESENTED AS A CASTE SYMBOL. 809 OF THESE RESULTS ARE CODED BEYOND YOUR CURRENT ACCESS LEVEL.

...

>ACCESSING LOCAL DATABASE RESULTS FOR "SOLLUX CAPTOR"

...

> 

NAME: SOLLUX CAPTOR  
AGE: 9 SWEEPS, GEN AT612-MG413  
HEMOCASTE: A1A100  
STATUS: LOCATED, APPREHENDED AND ASSIGNED TO IC TRAINING STATION CONSTELLA-PSI-TWELVE ON 12/4440/BETA. FURTHER RECORDS ARE AVAILABLE.  
DESIGNATION: HELMSMAN, UNDIFFERENTIATED, TRAINING PHASE.  
X TALENT INDICATION: Y, TYPE PSIONIC, RATING UD-HM. FURTHER RECORDS ARE AVAILABLE.

THIS RESULT HAS GEOGRAPHICAL, MEDICAL, BEHAVIORAL/PSYCHIATRIC, CRIMINAL, MILITARY, EDUCATION AND OTHER RECORDS AVAILABLE.

...

>ACCESSING GEOGRAPHICAL COORDINATES OF SOLLUX CAPTOR PREVIOUS TO 12/4440/BETA. PLEASE WAIT.

THIS RECORD IS CORRUPT AND CANNOT BE RETRIEVED (ERROR CODE ÑJ( R’3JyÒzÐ²zãŠBxï@=»Rw\Þ”ŸCH88 œš BI&“éJOZhÏz`/`f74×Ò€çŠQ×V–ÔQÓ½éKÔRsšCÒ“œÑÏá@…íNé£ §õÔ€N{Ž!>ÙÅ8öÿ nq@. TRY ANOTHER SEARCH?

...

>ACCESSING BEHAVIORAL/PSYCHIATRIC RECORDS PERTAINING TO SOLLUX CAPTOR PREVIOUS TO 12/4440/BETA. PLEASE WAIT.

THIS RECORD IS CORRUPT AND CANNOT BE RETRIEVED (ERROR CODE ÑJ( R’3JyÒzÐ²zãŠBxï@=»Rw\Þ”ŸCH88 œš BI&“éJOZhÏz`/`f74×Ò€çŠQ×V–ÔQÓ½éKÔRsšCÒ“œÑÏá@…íNé£ §õÔ€N{Ž!>ÙÅ8öÿ nq@. TRY ANOTHER SEARCH?

...

>ACCESSING CRIMINAL RECORDS  OF SOLLUX CAPTOR PREVIOUS TO 12/4440/BETA. PLEASE WAIT.

THIS RECORD IS CORRUPT AND CANNOT BE RETRIEVED (ERROR CODE ÑJ( R’3JyÒzÐ²zãŠBxï@=»Rw\Þ”ŸCH88 œš BI&“éJOZhÏz`/`f74×Ò€çŠQ×V–ÔQÓ½éKÔRsšCÒ“œÑÏá@…íNé£ §õÔ€N{Ž!>ÙÅ8öÿ nq@. TRY ANOTHER SEARCH?

...

THANK YOU. YOU WILL NOW BE DISCONNECTED.

* * *

 (concealedConquerer (CC) invited  (coastalAntagonist (CA) to a secure session at 12/4640/beta at 7:04:20 AST.)

CC: Eridan! 

CA: hey fef 

CC: W)(y aren't you answering your messages? I've been pinging and pinging all day! 

CA: oh 

CA: our guy hit another netwwork wwe wwere wwatchin im just wwrappin up my report before i head out 

CC: W)(ic)( network? 

CA: just some closed military wweb 

CA: he wwas all ovver sols background info lookin for stuff on kar like before but this time it got fuckin glitchy as shit wwhen he looked up sols background an he logged back off wwithout gettin anyfin atoll 

CA: i swwear sols got some kinda powwer over the bees or wwhatevver they run their systems on 

CC: Did t)(ey let anyt)(ing slip about w)(ere Sollux is rig)(t now? 

CC: Eridan? 

CA: i dunno wwhy evverybody wwants that drama wwhore back so bad 

CA: im kinda relievved hes gone 

CC: What? 

CC: Don't t)(ink I )(aven't noticed you giving )(im t)(e eye, Mister! 

CA: that is wwholly platonic fef 

CC: Mm-)(m. 38\ 

CA: no really 

CA: wwho could avvoid lookin at him evven if they wwanted to 

CA: the guys a wwalkin seizure hazard an he aint exactly quiet 

CA: anywway i gotta go  

CA: got some shit to do that cant wwait 

CC: I'll bet you do. 

CC: See, I was just talking to Equius about )(ow you're taking a s)(uttle out today wit)( no filed flig)(t plan. 

CA: that fuckin tank needs to learn to keep his slimy lips shut 

CC: I may )(ave pulled rank at some point during our conversation. 

CA: course you did 

CA: anywway its nothin fef just an errand 

CA: ill be back tomorroww and wwe can talk all about it 

CC: An errand t)(at requires a s)(uttle on t)(e same day you get a closed network )(it for Sollux? 

CC: I t)(ink you know somet)(ing you're not telling me. 

CA: psh 

CA: paranoid 

CC: You DO know somet)(ing! You know and you're glubbing )(olding OUT on me. 

CA: oh for fucks sake 

CC: I'm seariously tempted to lodge my ceremonial trident in your nook and press the poison dart button. 

CA: its nothin 

CC: Twice, once for me and once for Sollux. 

CC: Eridan, w)(at did you glubbing find out? 

CC: ... 

CC: ... 

CC: ... 

CA: look fef i gotta go or ill miss my shot i got shit to do here 

CC: Eridan. 

CC: ---------------------------ERIDAN 

CC: FUCKING 

CC: AMPORA. 

CC: Don't you dare t)(ink for one S----ECOND you can just vanis)( on me after saying it's not)(ing! 

CC: I'm not STUPID, you ass. You're t)(e only one of us w)(o can move around if you want to. You're t)(e one w)(o can get into places. 

CC: Gamzee won't leave Karkat and you all )(ave me )(idden down )(ere being useless, so t)(at leaves YOU! 

CC: Don't pick rig)(t now to suddenly grow a )(ero complex on me. 

CC: You're planning somet)(ing stupid. 

CC: You're going to go try to find )(im on your own and get bot)( of you KRILL------ED! 

CA: listen 

CA: i mean im not sayin im up to anyfin okay but 

CA: im not gonna die.  

CA: im indestructible 

CA: i got the big fuckin guns 

CC: I s)(oald be t)(e one out t)(ere looking for )(im! It's not like you need me )(ere. 

CC: All t)(is talk about my leaders)(ip! I coudn't even stop Sollux from going off on )(is stupid )(acking mission, and now I'm going to lose you too because none of you ----EV-----ER LIST----------EN TO M--------E!  

CC: You are all ASS)(OLES. 

CA: fef 

CA: wwhat part a condescension are you not parsin here 

CA: lettin other people do the hard wwork an then deignin to lead us unwwashed masses is wwhat youre for 

CA: like kar said this is wwar 

CC: It's bulls)(ark, that's w)(at it is. 

CA: yeah maybe 

CA: but its all wwe got 

CA: let the fightin troops clear the path an then you can do the leadin 

CA: for noww your job is to wwait 

CA: an if thats too hard for you then thats just too bad aint it 

CA: wwe all got our part to play 

CA: until your part comes in just fuckin becalm 

CA: go pet some cuttlefish 

CA: take a bath 

CA: ill be back before the bubbles pop 

CC: Whatever. Go do your glubbing )(ero t)(ing, Eridan, since I obviously can't c)(ange your tiny retarded mind or order you to listen until the moment my butt p)(ysically )(its the t)(rone. 

CC: Get your gills ripped off, I don't care. Sail on. 

CA: fef come on 

CC: Sorry, I can't )(ear you, I'm too busy being COND-----ESC-------------------------------ENDING. 

CA: listen 

CA: please just 

CA: dont tell kar 

CA: hell lose his shit an try to stop me 

CA: just let me havve a head start on this okay 

CA: please 

CC: Glub. 

CA: thanks fef 

CA: itll be okay just watch 

CA: i fuckin got this

 (coastalAntagonist (CA) left the secure session at 12/4640/beta at 7:23:55 AST.)


	15. sonar ping 1

(coastalAntagonist (CA) invited colossusTreads (CT) to a secure session at 12/4640/beta at 7:23:56 AST.)

CA: wwell 

CT: D --> Well what, Sir

CA: wwell is it ready

CT: D --> I'm not sure what you are referring to, Sir

CA: fucks sake zahhak its a secure connection

CT: D --> It pays to be cautious

CT: D --> If you don't mind

CA: wwhatevver

CA: is the mysterious fuckin item i asked you for wwith no intentions a doin jack shit wwrong or illegal wwith in any wway cross my heart an hope to fuckin die ready or not

CT: D --> Yes Sir

CT: D --> I have personally applied the inspe%ion stickers this afternoon

CT: D--> I was up all day finishing it just for you despite my e%haustion and reservations about the job

CT: D --> I plan to sleep once this is over with but with the production levels where they are I may be in for a long night

CT: D --> I hope this is satisfactory

CA: oh shit thats awwful

CA: hey listen ct youre the best at wwhat you do an im sorry i snapped at you

CA: i cant believve i gavve you all that shit just noww

CT: D --> It is the privilege of your caste Sir

CA: yeah wwell thats not gonna get me far once wwevve had our say noww is it

CA: an stop callin me sir its creepy as shit

CT: D --> ...

CT: D --> I can only occasionally contain the Sirs

CA: oh ha ha vvery fuckin hilarious im sure

CT: D --> My moirail tells me I sh001d attempt to be be more inclined toward levity

CA: wwell tell her its not wworkin

CT: D --> Noted

CA: so

CA: wwhat next master mechanic

CT: D --> Fueling will take some time since the hangar is rarely deserted

CT: D --> I w001d prefer to have it noticed as little as possible during its transition from my hangar to wherever you are taking it

CT: D --> Which I am quite grateful to not know I might add

CT: D --> Having the low e%pectations about your mission that I do

CT: D --> If you will forgive me for being so negative, Sir

CA: forgivven

CT: D --> I am fairly certain this is going to be an enormous mistake

CA: yeah wwell its me makin it not you so wwho givves a shit

CA: not like i havve much to do around here otherwwise

CT: D --> Not true

CT: D --> Who else has the reputation to obtain certain rationed supplies

CT: D --> Mr. Makara is not reliable and my rank is insufficient 

CT: D --> I hold very little clop with the distributors

CT: D --> How is that responsibility not enough for you

CA: wwhat if i dont wwant to play the game at all

CT: D --> I fail to see how we can make any lasting change from our position of powerlessness without the assistance of the nautical aristocracy

CT: D --> But I speak out of turn

CT: D --> It is your personal choice as a man and as an ally

CT: D --> But I worry that you are allowing emotions to make you behave f001ishly

CA: oh dont wworry about that

CA: im gonna be back just givve me a day or twwo at the most

CA: then ill go back to bein the nice little finface that pets the ugly fuckin lusus behind its hearflaps and givves it sugarcubes so it wwont trample all my fuckin friends for another swweep

CA: since it likes me best an all

CT: D --> I just

CT: D --> Never mind

CT: D --> Be on the runway at 8 sharp

CT: D --> You do know how to fly one of these don't you

CA: uh yeah

CA: wwhat the hell is it wwith you people thinkin i suddenly got myself a big shiny fuckin deathwwish ovver here cant a guy just be reckless an heroic 

CT: D --> Not usually no

CT: D --> But I wish you the best of luck

CA: damn right

(coastalAntagonist (CA) left the protected session at 12/4640/beta at 7:31:11 AST.) 

* * *

(compatriotGuardian (CG)  joined protected memo L1GHT4F1R3 at 12/4640/beta at 10:40:36 AST.)

CG: HE DID WHAT??????????

(compatriotGuardian (CG) left protected memo L1GHT4F1R3 at 12/4640/beta at 10:40:40 AST.) 

* * *

(compatriotGuardian (CG) invited coastalAntagonist (CA) to a secure session at at 12/4640/beta at 10:40:42 AST.) 

CG: ERIDAN SHITFORPANS AMPORA.

CG: WE FOUND YOUR INVENTORY LIST, ERIDAN.

CG: WHAT DO YOU NEED A PRESSURE SUIT FOR?

CG: GET YOUR ASS ONLINE RIGHT FUCKING NOW AND REASSURE YOUR DIVINELY APPOINTED LEADER THAT YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY AS STUPID AS THIS LATEST SHEAF OF PANIC-STRICKEN PRIVATE MESSAGES FROM VARIOUS MEMBERS OF MY INNER CIRCLE MIGHT OTHERWISE IMPLY AND THAT YOU'RE NOT DOING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING.

CG: GOD DAMMIT, ERIDAN, YOU SLIMY NOOKSLAPPER, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WE HAVE A PLAN HERE. WE HAVE A GOAL. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN JUST DECIDE AT RANDOM TO PUT EVERYTHING WE'VE BUILT AT RISK AND NOT EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT FIRST.

CG: DO NOT DO THIS, ERIDAN.

(coastalantagonist (CA) has entered the secure session)

CG: AMPORA. THANK FUCK.

CA: D --> Eridan is no longer planetside

CA: D --> He left his communication devices with me in case anything goes wrong

CA: D --> He also asked me to apologize on his behalf for what he is about to do

CG: A;SLDKFJ.

(compatriotGuardian (CG) left the secure session at 12/4640/beta at 10:42:14 AST.)

* * *


	16. sonar ping 2

(IC-x-ORBIT PATROL-HSM COORD X (0, 11, 21, 0) (OP) has opened an audio channel with PC-00-CASCADE-PVO COORD ABO34 (2, 10, 22, 0)(BA) at 12/4640/beta at 18:01:12 AST.)

OP: ORBIT PATROL HAILING PERSONAL CRAFT "DASH NAUGHT NAUGHT DESIGNATED PRIVATE VESSEL OPERATOR COORDINATE ALTERNIA BASE ORBIT TWO JOT TEN JOT TWENTY TWO JOT NAUGHT," SHIP DESIGNATION "CASCADE". PLEASE CONFIRM IDENTITY AND LOCATION.

BA: uh

BA: yeah thats me

OP: OPERATOR, YOU ARE APPROACHING THE SECURED BOUNDARY OF ALTERNIAN ORBIT. PLEASE DECLARE AND SPELL YOUR NAME, GIVE YOUR IDENTITY AND HEMO CODE, SCAN YOUR IDENTIFICATION ON THE CONSOLE READER, AND WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

BA: pilot name hudrok ganima, thats h u d r o k space g a n i m a

BA: identity code 5666VVV6665

BA: hemo code #6a006a

BA: scannin noww

OP: A VIOLETBLOOD?

BA: yes sir

OP: FORGIVE ME FOR SPEAKING OUTSIDE OF MY RANK, SIR, BUT WE DON'T GET MANY OF THE RULING PARTY UP HERE IN THE GASP. 

BA: wwell you wwouldnt 

BA: wwe dont like bein too far from the sea since it dries us out

BA: wwell thats howw the hivvestem legend goes but its kind a true in a figurativve levvel in my experience

OP: OPERATOR, YOUR VESSEL IS REGISTERED AS A REBUILT ROCKHOPPER CLASS SHORT TRANSIT VEHICLE. PLEASE CONFIRM.

BA: yes sir

OP: AND YOUR FLIGHT PLAN INDICATES A DESTINATION OF C TRAINING STATION CONSTELLA-PSI-TWELVE. IS THIS CORRECT?

BA: yes sir

OP: ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL FIVE STANDARD HOURS. PLEASE CONFIRM.

BA: yes sir

BA: just a short hop today nothin fancy

OP: LOCAL SCANS INDICATE THAT YOU ARE NOT FITTED WITH BIOLOGICAL NAVIGATION, OPERATOR.

BA: thats right 

BA: pilot died today an im runnin on pure mechanics wwhich is howw come im goin so sloww

BA: thats wwhy im goin to the base i need to refit this rig wwith somethin a little faster than the hardwware i got left

BA: i got places to be tomorroww an wwas kinda hopin i could get this taken care of tonight

OP: PLEASE HOLD.

...

OP: C TRAINING STATION CONSTELLA-PSI-TWELVE DOES NOT HAVE AN APPOINTMENT UNDER YOUR DESIGNATION ON FILE, OPERATOR.

OP: VISITATION OF THIS FACILITY IS BY APPOINTMENT ONLY AT THIS TIME.

BA: oh

BA: i didnt knoww i needed one at my levvel

OP: THIS IS A TEMPORARY SECURITY MEASURE DUE TO CRIMINAL ACTIVITY. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. I KNOW YOUR TIME IS VALUABLE.

BA: so

BA: does this mean i gotta go all the wway back to the dirt

OP: AGAIN, I AM SORRY, OPERATOR. YOU MAY NOT REMAIN IN ORBIT WITHOUT A FILED FLIGHT PLAN WITH CONFIRMED DESTINATION, OR AN ESCORT WITH SAID CLEARANCE.

BA: is there any wway i can just file for that right noww

OP: OUR OFFICIAL POLICY IS TO TURN BACK ANY VEHICLE WITHOUT ESTABLISHED AND VALID FLIGHT PLANS, SIR. YOU MAY RETURN ONCE EVERYTHING IS IN ORDER.

BA: oh

BA: see 

BA: this ships my baby but shes kinda gettin on

BA: id really rather not reenter atmo on just ships powwer

BA: its been a wwhile since i fleww an its been remodeled recently as you can see from the documentation

BA: i mean its been inspected an evverythin

BA: you can see it in my file im sure

BA: but uh

BA: to be honest i wwish id heard of this measure before i left orbit so i coulda sent up a newwer ship to pick up the hardwware an just installed it back home

BA: i had a roarbeast of a time gettin up here is the thing

OP: I UNDERSTAND. IT MUST BE VERY HECTIC PLANETSIDE IF A MEMBER OF THE ARISTOCRACY IS FLYING HIS OWN CRAFT.

BA: you got that right

BA: money cant buy evverythin thats wwhat they say

OP: THAT IS WHAT THEY SAY, SIR.

BA: hey listen

BA: if theres a fee for registering wwhile in transit i can just pay it here an noww

BA: i mean if you can take a credit transfer

BA: of course i imagine a convvenience fee of this magnitude wwould run pretty steep but wwhat am i gonna do

BA: im the one wwho came up here solo in this old boat an made your day complicated right

BA: none a this wwould be as big a deal if i could just get dowwn again safe an sound

...

BA: maybe you could call your co or wwhoevver runs your operation

BA: i can discuss my proposal wwith somebody wwho has more clearance an savve you the trouble

BA: i dont wwanna make this your problem i mean i knoww howw they put all the responsibility a followwin policy on your rank an then blame you if anythin goes wwrong

BA: i may be filthy rich but i aint blind to howw these things wwork if you get my drift

OP: PLEASE WAIT. I WILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

...

OP: IT LOOKS LIKE WE CAN GRANT YOU A PROVISIONAL CLEARANCE AT THIS TIME, OPERATOR. PLEASE WAIT WHILE YOUR PAYMENT IS TRANSFERRED.

BA: thanks op i owwe you one for this

BA: an i apologize for not plannin this jaunt better 

BA: i knoww youre stickin your neck out for me

OP: I APPRECIATE THAT, OPERATOR. I AM GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO COME TO SATISFACTORY ARRANGEMENTS.

OP: YOU WILL BE DOCKING UNDER MY SURVEILLANCE AT PORT 44 OF THE STATION. I HAVE SENT COORDINATES TO YOUR NAVIGATION SYSTEM.

OP: YOU WILL NOT BE PERMITTED TO ENTER ANY OTHER DOCK. DO NOT RETURN PLANETSIDE WITHOUT CONFIRMING YOUR DEPARTURE WITH US. KEEP YOUR IDENTIFICATION ON HAND AT ALL TIMES FOR SECURITY SCANS. ANY MISBEHAVIOR OR ATTEMPT TO DAMAGE STATION PROPERTY WILL BE TREATED AS AN ACT OF TERRORISM. PLEASE OBSERVE AND READ THE FULL RULES I'VE JUST SENT YOU.

BA: wwhoa this is a pretty impressivve list a donts

BA: nevver mind planetsides problems you guys must a had a lousy perigee up here

OP: YOU COULD SAY THAT.

OP: WELCOME TO SPACE, LORD GANIMA.

(IC-x-ORBIT PATROL-HSM COORD X (0, 11, 21, 0) (OP) closed audio channel with PC-00-CASCADE-PVO COORD ABO34 (2, 10, 22, 0)(BA) at 12/4640/beta at 18:11:12 AST.)


	17. sonar ping 3

(session opened at 12/4640/beta at 18:59:09 AST.)

DW: FS what the hell you know you're supposed to be offline and sleeping right now   
DW: Remember we talked about your schedule   
FS: I know. I really was sleeping, DW.   
FS: But I received a ping from IC-267.   
DW: That's the Alternia training base right   
FS: Yes.   
DW: Oh god is this about Captor again are you still monitoring his files   
FS: Yes, and yes.   
DW: Dammit FS it's not your fault he washed out you aren't responsible for what happens to him   
DW: It was his choice to subvert his programming it's not like you didn't warn him repeatedly   
FS: I do appreciate your sympathy, DW.    
DW: Buuuuut   
FS: But what?   
DW: But there's more to this   
DW: so c'mon and spill it did he get batteried   
DW: Did they recycle him   
FS: No.   
FS: Facility staff just pulled up his records to run a compatibility check for a customer vessel. It's a small private shuttle, more or less galaxybound. The customer wants him fitted in the block immediately.   
DW: A buyer! But that's great isn't it    
DW: He's not gonna get batteried if they're vetting him for a customer   
DW: Shit this means he's practically gonna be family soon   
DW: EP is going to be so excited    
FS: I suppose.   
DW: So who's the lucky AOB is it a private flyer or courier or what   
FS: Private flyer owned by a late juvenile violetblood still living on Alternia. The vessel is a wreck but from the surveillance shots he looks like the sort of aristocrat who flies an ostentatiously worn-out vintage rockhopper with overpowered engines.   
DW: Oh god suddenly I feel bad for Captor except I'm also slightly jealous   
DW: Helming a single-speeder in fashionably low orbit for the rest of his life   
DW: How the hell did he even nab a fish with a training record like his   
FS: I don't know.   
DW: How many times did he blow his neurals again   
FS: Twice or three times, I honestly can't recall.   
DW: Such a small craft though maybe he can't handle anything bigger and that's why he's not in the Fleet   
DW: Does that happen    
DW: Can you actually burn out your psionics with your psionics   
FS: I have no idea.   
DW: Be like trying to lick your own tongue I bet   
DW: except without the tongue part obviously   
FS: ...   
DW: An aristocrat though that's great for Gemini   
DW: Except wait   
DW: Don't they park their ships at the bottom of the ocean flooded with seawater or something   
FS: I don't think so, no.   
DW: Bummer I wish I had a chance to see the ocean before I got installed hehe   
DW: My fourth instar I had webbed appendages and the others in my brood all had this rumor I might be a mutant seadweller did I ever tell you about that   
DW: It died down after I pupated and there weren't any webs or gills   
FS: I see.   
DW: ...   
DW: Okaaaaaay.   
DW: What's bugging you FS   
DW: All this seems like good news to me but you clearly aren't happy   
FS: Yes.   
FS: Look...   
FS: I'm sorry DW.   
FS: I should not have bothered you with this.    
DW: You shouldn't have bothered your matesprit with something that's troubling you   
DW: Are you dumb or what   
FS: I'm sorry. You're wonderful and I couldn't do this without you, but...   
FS: I think I'd rather not talk about it right now. My pilot isn't feeling well and it makes me crave interaction when I'm in no fit state for company.   
DW: Fuck FS don't tell me you're sick again   
DW: Your pilot   
DW: Whatever   
DW: I can't take another round of you being offline the place falls apart when you're not here   
DW: OS is gunning for your job you idiot   
DW: Please don't leave us with the deranged scrambler   
DW: He gives great MFB but I find myself wanting to smack him more than half of the time   
DW: Whereas with you it is a stodginess I can trust and rely on    
FS: Heh. Thanks, DW.   
DW: Listen    
DW: I know something between you and Gemini hasn't been sitting right    
DW: I thought it might be to do with the signless thing we never got to resolve but now I don't know what to think   
DW: So take your time or whatever and I will be here when you're ready to share ok   
FS: Okay.   
DW: Look I seriously pity you like I've never pitied anyone before FS so please don't explode my bloodpusher    
FS: I pity you so hard that sometimes it is a physical pain for me, as well. I find it alarming and wonderful.   
FS: I think I will try to sleep a little more if I can.   
DW: Good idea   
DW: Who knows by the time you wake up Captor might be back on the subnet and you can talk through whatever it is between you   
FS: I. Yes.   
FS: <3   
DW: <3

(session closed at 12/4640/beta at 20:10:02 AST.)


	18. sonar ping 4

(session opened at 12/4640/beta at 20:15:58 AST.)

ID: Hey EP, check it out. Gemini didn't get batteried!  
EP: No shit?

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: Imperial Dusk (ID) has invited Enterprise (EP) : to view live feed IC-267 E&E, flagged as SNEAKY! Please ack with passcode to view.)

(VISUAL FEED FROM IC-267 floor 44 begins 12/4640/beta at 20:16:34 AST.) - VISUAL PICKUP 55 covering entryway to PORT 44.)

EP: Training Center audio, that takes back. What am looking at here.  
ID: See that guy with the glasses? He's here to hire and he asked about Gemini specifically.  
EP: ...  
EP: "Hire?"  
ID: :P  
ID: You know what I meant.  
EP: Please tell that's not a fucking cape.  
ID: That is, indeed, a cape. >:D  
EP: Oh god. DOUUUUUUCHELORD.   
ID: It gets worse. This guy is flying a friggin' Thunderstorm.  
EP: ...  
ID: It's painted purple.  
EP: ..............  
ID: And it's a fixie.  
EP: Get the fuck out of here.   
ID: I'm serious. Check the E&E for yourself.  
EP: Those things aren't spaceworthy. They are jumped-up flying toasters.  
ID: Nevertheless. Orbital Patrol has Douchelord on record docking a model 5-GZ fixie with an empty Helmsblock.   
EP: He must have busted his nook breaking atmo without a pilot.  
EP: How are we getting OP transmissions?  
ID: Someone in the division had a Helmsman in the philosophy.  
EP: What's their handle?  
ID: I dunno, Blue Box brought her in and she glitched out before my time. E&E's still good, though.   
EP: That's awful.  
ID: That's an understatement. :/  
EP: Oh here we go, they're on the elevator. Time for the grease gun.  
ID: Bluh bluh, welcome to the Training Station, let us take your stupid cloak. Here's your complimentary t-shirt and handjob.  
EP: Check it out, Douchelord's a seadweller!  
ID: I know, right?  
ID: Those fins.  
EP: Think you got enough jewelry on there, buddy? Can still see some knuckle on that thumb.  
ID: Dude's got more hardware than Ψ.  
EP: No wonder he flies a fixie. He can afford the medical bills.  
ID: EP. EP.  
EP: Yes?  
ID: Access the audio quick. I bet you he has the seadwuh-weller accent.  
EP: No bet.  
ID: Totally wintage wuh-waistcoat, douchelord.  
EP: Shush, they're talking.

(AUDIO FEED FROM IC-267 begins 12/4640/beta at 20:16:34 AST.) - Monitoring AUDIO PICKUP 3 for elevation device 3-A.) - Voices identified as Station Guide (SG) and Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG).)

SG: Welcome to Constella-Psi-Twelve! Glory to the Empire. Please step this way.  
HG: thanks  
SG: It's an honor to host you, Mr. Ganima. Was your trip pleasant?  
HG: it wwas a little complicated flyin wwithout bio navvigation but i think i did damn wwell bringin her into bay by hand  
HG: heres hopin i nevver havve to do it again  
HG: the orbital patrol wwas lecturin me the wwhole wway ovver about comin up wwithout an appointment  
SG: I'm so sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Ganima. Heightened security measures are proving a nuisance for us as well.  
HG: wwell you cant be too careful these days can you  
HG: the premiere a the home planet taken out by a highblood wwho wwoulda seen that comin  
HG: if you cant trust the leadin classes wwho can you rely on thats wwhat i wwanna knoww


	19. sonar ping 5

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP 3 for elevation device 3-A has gone silent. Switching to AUDIO PICKUP 6 for conference room 55-101) - Voices identified as Station Guide (SG) and Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG).)

* * *

SG: Please step into the conference room, Mr. Ganima. Before we enter the facility, you must read and sign a number of documents. 

HG: all right i expected as much

HG: its not a govvernment facility if you can get through a gaper stall door wwithout uncappin a writin utensil am i right

SG: Too true, I am afraid. Have a seat, won't you?

SG: Now, this first packet is a list of our terms and conditions. Items one through seven cover the facility's rights to refuse service. In the event that your vehicle is found to be insufficient for biological navigation, for example, we will not attempt installation. 

HG: i understand

SG: Very well. At any rate, our technicians have given your vessel clearance, so that's one less thing to worry about. As a sidenote, you are aware that your craft's FTL drives have been disabled?

HG: yeah

SG: You'll want to fix that before you take your augmented vehicle outside the sector.

HG: of course

SG: The rest of this section is boilerplate liability stuff. Take a moment to read through and then sign if you agree to the terms. 

* * *

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP 6 monitoring conference room 55-101 lapses 12/4640/beta at 20:24:31 AST.)

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP 6 monitoring conference room 55-101 resumes 12/4640/beta at 20:25:46 AST - Voices identified as Station Guide (SG) and Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG).)

* * *

HG: done

SG: Excellent. Now for the warranty. 

SG: You may not customize the equipment without advance approval. You must hire a certified technician to upgrade the helmsblock. You must not deface or dismantle the pilot in any way without advance approval and supervision by a technician with HM certification.

HG: deface or dismantle

SG: That's right. No body mods, no implants, no swapping out parts or any of that sort of thing. It puts undue strain on the pilot.

HG: swapping out parts

HG: like body parts

SG: That's right.

HG: or like unhookin the pilot or somethin 

HG: that wwould vvoid the wwarranty

SG: Exactly. And put anyone on board the vessel in serious danger.

SG: If you want to customize, come to us. We offer very reasonable prices.

HG: do people do that though

SG: Pardon?

HG: unhookin the pilot

HG: people actually do that

SG: Oh, you would be surprised, Mr. Ganima.

SG: We warn and warn buyers, yet every few perigees we field an anguished call from some well-intentioned do-it-yourselfer requesting emergency assistance because their custom hardware is going berserk. You do not want an improperly modified navigation system to collapse while you are in the middle of a complicated jaunting maneuver.

HG: all right

SG: Shall we move on?

HG: i

HG: yes

HG: lets keep goin

SG: All right. Items eight through eleven cover the warranty process itself. Have you flown an augmented craft before?

HG: no

SG: You'll need a copy of our orientation packet, then. The technician who conducted the inspection of your vessel suggests that you have quite an excellent mechanic in your employ.

HG: the best credits can buy yeah

SG: Is he or she certified to work with HM hardware?

HG: i havvent asked

HG: hes a neww hire

HG: brought him on board to upgrade my rig since he specializes in vvintage spacecraft an mines sorta a special case

SG: I saw it coming round for docking. It's quite a statement!

HG: thanks

SG: All right. Here's an extra copy of the warranty for your mechanic, then. In case of emergency, he should know how to contact our technicians. All of that info is located on the back leaf. Now let's move on to the next section--

HG: im gettin buried in paper here

SG: There will be a bit more to sign once you've selected a pilot, but this is the last bit for now.

HG: good point

SG: Right. This is the last section for now, and I'm afraid it's sort of a big one. 

SG: This is the manual I was talking about. It contains your first time orientation packet. Think of it as a sort of owner's manual for your pilot.

SG: You'll need to read through and familiarize yourself with the contents. If you feel yourself incapable to meet the maintenance guidelines, you should let me know. 

SG: It's the most important part of the process, so I urge you to take your time. 

SG: I'll go speak to the stationmaster while you look it over.

SG: Once you've finished with the orientation packet, if you have no questions about procedures outlined in it, you can sign this final form, which basically confirms that you have read and understood the manual and everything else we've just gone over and have no further questions or concerns. You also officially release IC-267 and all employees thereof from any damages incurred by improper handling of the hardware, voiding of the warranty, or any other action that violates the policies and regulations of this agreement. 

SG: Oop, your pen. Here you go.

HG: thanks

HG: guess im a little nervvous

SG: Quite all right. I'll be back in ten minutes. 

* * *

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP 6 monitoring conference room 55-101 lapses 12/4640/beta at 20:31:11 AST.)

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP 6 monitoring conference room 55-101 resumes 12/4640/beta at 20:40:00 AST - Voice identified as Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG).)

* * *

HG: oh my god sol 

HG: wwhat is this 

* * *

ID: Sol???? 

EP: Sol?


	20. sonar ping 6

ID: Sol. as in Sollux. as in Gemini.

EP: And he was angling for a yellow pilot before his overpolished saltwater ass left the cockpit.

EP: Who IS this douchebag?

* * *

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP 6 monitoring conference room 55-101 resumes 12/4640/beta at 20:44:00 AST - Voices identified as Station Guide (SG) and Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG).)

* * *

SG: I'm sorry, that took a bit longer than expected. Have you finished the orientation?

HG: yeah it wwas uh

HG: vvery informative 

SG: Would you like something to drink? 

HG: uh no thank you im fine

HG: really

SG: I beg your pardon for my presumption, Mr. Ganima, but I think I can tell what's going on here.

HG: you can

SG: In my position as Station Guide on IC-267, I see that expression you have on your face right now, here in this very conference room, at least three times every perigee. 

SG: The face of a newly-minted captain who shows up seeking the luxury of a psionic Helmsman, an actual goldblood in this case, and begins having second thoughts when he opens the Big Book.

SG: Once you start thinking about the engine itself, you started to feel guilty, isn't that right? 

HG: wwhat if i do

HG: it used to be a troll right

HG: not just a piece a gear

SG: A Helmsman is its own sort of being. Alive, but not a troll. Mechanized, but not an unfeeling piece of machinery. It's both of those things, and ultimately neither. 

SG: It is a piece of equipment that lives a productive and prestigious life, helping to advance the state of the Empire just as you or I do. Biological navigation and psionic engines that rely on a living body? It may seem cruel to a first-timer, but I assure you, it is not. 

SG: These were dangerous people, Mr. Ganima. Most of our trainees were criminals. For example, your goldblood. He was apprehended after assaulting a crowd of unarmed greenbloods with his telekinetic gift. Most of the victims did not survive.

HG: thats 

HG: upright despicable

SG: Exactly. And the laws of Alternia are very clear about murder above caste.

SG: But think of the waste, if we were to cull a talent like that. Much more noble and kind to reform it, I think. Delete the offender, remove the criminal aspect, and put the best part of that mind to use. Retraining a criminal as a Helmsman is the merciful option.

SG: We give lost souls a purpose their lives never afforded them: service to the Empire, a chance to repay debts, and a home in the stars.

HG: do they knoww theyre servvin at all

HG: do they evven think

SG: Of course they think. They speak, they intuit... they even have emotions.

SG: Your goldblood was acting up a few minutes ago when we pulled it from stasis. Quite a spirited one you've got your eye on!

HG: oh

HG: uh

SG: Don't be concerned, your Thunderstorm won't fly into satellites to spite you. We stand by the quality of our training, and to ease your mind as a buyer, there are a number of automatic failsafe programs. You'll find information about those inside the warranty packet--no, back a few pages. Yes, that section there. You may need a computer specialist to walk you through the specifics. I could call ours if you'd like it broken down to lay terms...

HG: that wwont be necessary i trust you 

SG: Very well. At any rate, you are very safe in the hands of a Helmsman.

SG: Figuratively speaking, of course!

SG: Provided you do not tamper with the equipment, that is. Which is why we went over all that paperwork earlier. There has never been a major incident involving Constella-Psi-Twelve equipment that was not a direct result of severe and deliberate tampering. We are quite pleased with our safety record.

SG: Have you any questions before we continue?

SG: Any concerns?

HG: its not wwhat i wwas expectin wwhen i came up here

HG: i just wwanted a gold for my rig because its gotta be the best

HG: wwell anywway its just not wwhat i thought id be gettin

HG: like a stripped dowwn brain in a box

SG: Not at all! A brain in a box can't communicate precognitive visions of upcoming disaster to be avoided. If it were as easy as crunching numbers, we'd all be using regular computers to fly, and there would be no faster than light travel at all. 

SG: Now, will it be unsettling for you, as the captain of your ship, to be so close to sentient technology? Of course! It looks like a troll, it sounds like a troll. In time, you may even hold conversations with it. You'd have to be quite hard-hearted to not feel a twinge of sympathy.

SG: But it's a misguided sympathy, Mr. Ganima. If you were to turn around and walk out of this room right now, we would of course understand your hesitation. Owning a Helmsman is not for the faint of heart! But once you've gone, quite soon, someone else will arrive and hire your goldblood. We've had inquiries since he was enrolled, although none with quite as much status as yourself.

SG: Will the next prospective buyer be a more sensitive shipmaster than you? A better caretaker for the pilot?

SG: Which might that goldblood choose? 

HG: yeah

HG: i guess that all makes a kind a sense

HG: if its already gonna get used no matter wwho 

HG: you knoww

HG: uses him

HG: it

SG: Indeed.

HG: the book says it could take a wwhile to fly right

SG: At first? Yes, of course. You'll need to acclimatize to your craft's new abilities, and your Helmsman will take some time to adjust. Once they've settled in properly, temperament tends to play a large role in performance. A spirited young pilot handles differently from a docile older one with stamina. Certain aspects of personality are hardwired, and that makes for very distinctive and individual ship performance. 

HG: is mine young or old

SG: Oh, quite young. Between seven and eight sweeps, perhaps. Take care of the gold and you'll be flying together for centuries.

SG: This one, with its tendency toward rebellion, would be more suited to a smaller, more maneuverable craft with an intuitive but firm captain. I think your Thunderstorm and our Gemini would be a good match, and well worth the price.

HG: the price aint a problem 

HG: all i ever wwanted wwas a gold pilot for my ship

HG: nobody i knoww has one an its in all the literature howw theyre the best

HG: like the condesce an her flagship

HG: i just wwanted to be sure im not just some droolin little wwiggler gettin his first flopbeast in a cage

HG: this is real life you knoww where you gotta consider all a your options an make the right choice 

SG: Naturally! I understand completely.

HG: thanks for sayin so

HG: i think ill be a good captain compared to some random glub runnin a cargo ship wwith no formal trainin evven

HG: rig full a rats an toxic slime and wwhatevver thats no place for a fuckin goldblood

SG: I agree.

HG: so wwhat do wwe do next

SG: Well, if you'd be so kind as to hand me those signed forms, I can drop them off with our legal department on our way to the facility.

SG: I'll call ahead and they'll bring your craft into the bay. We'll begin the refitting on your word.

HG: on my wword

HG: okay heres my wword then

HG: lets go

SG: Right this way, sir.

* * *

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP 6 monitoring conference room 55-101 lapses 12/4640/beta at 21:04:06 AST.)

* * *

ID: Something's up. I'm pinging FS. 

EP: No joy, he's offline.

ID: Can't we wake him up? 

EP: If you want DW screaming at you for the next perigee, go for it.

EP: We can send FS the log when he's back on and feeling better.

ID: OK. 


	21. sonar ping 7

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP(s) 2020-2098 monitoring TRAINING FACILITY MAIN FLOOR, HANGAR BAY begins 12/4640/beta at 21:14:11 AST - Voices identified as Station Guide (SG), Helmsblock Engineer (HE), and Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG).)

* * *

SG: Everything going well?

HE: Yeah. Had a little trouble with an interior pane blocking access, but Athrin pried it loose and kludged out a nice big empty space. We're laying down the first layer of organics now.

SG: This is moving faster than we expected.

HE: Yeah well, we'll need to wing it with the thrusters since they've been modded--great work, by the way, but it's gonna get hot back there when you start using the bionav.

HE: We'll put a few heatsinks in and you can vent it all out through a pre-existing umbilical. Won't even be able to detect extra heat up front when it's done. 

HE: You'll have your craft in about an hour as long as the grafts all take. They're doing fine so far.

SG: Good, good.

HG: grafts

HE: Yeah. Like this.

HG: uh

HG: looks like somefins guts

HE: More like the foundation.

SG: Have you ever built a hive?

HG: no nevver

HE: It's simple enough. 

HE: We seed this pink stuff along the inner walls in a base coat, attach the larger hardware in its arrested form, and connect it all while it's dormant. Once everything's hooked together, we send a little jolt through the network from your console, and bam! Everything comes to life and the new hardware locates and incorporates your existing hardware into its own.

HE: This section is in stasis but the ones we're putting in there will expand and grow. 

HE: These longer pieces anchor to the foundation and stabilize it so the gear won't rip free if you take a turn too hard or hit something. These ones here are life support and waste removal. These darker ones are sort of like hallways, going between all the functioning brain areas of your ship. Keeping everything connected to the central pillar, where your Helmsman will direct it all.

HG: brain areas

HE: There's modified neural tissue at the core of the biowire. 

HE: Once they've all been activated, they'll connect up and grow into your helmsblock. 

SG: It'll be thinking all around you.

HG: that sounds kinda creepy

SG: Not at all! Remember, it's still a ship at the core.

HE: Only better.

SG: Only better! Exactly.

HE: The stuff in these sections is blank for now, no information stored at all, but it learns fast starting the moment we send the signal that wakes it up. 

HE: While the biowire works its way through the system, you'll still have full access to all the functions you had before you brought it in, because you'll be flying on manual.

HE: The ship will start learning as the neural network grows. It'll be a couple of nights before it's ready to fly on its own, depending on how fast your Helmsman gets used to the new interface.

HG: do i havve to do anythin

HG: teach it or wwhatevver

SG: Oh, no. Nothing like that. It comes fully trained to fly any number of craft, including the Thunderstorm series.

HG: thats pretty cool

HE: One more thing, Lord Ganima.

HG: just mister is fine

HE: All right, Mr. Ganima.

HE: If the biowire tries to grow into your console room or anywhere you don't want it, just snip off the tendrils when you see them. It'll get the message pretty fast about what's off-limits. 

HE: Just do NOT cut anything leading directly from the body to the walls, or anything covering onboard machinery. You want to encourage your bionav system and the ship to bond as thoroughly as possible, which means no causing it or your Helmsman undue trauma.

HG: is he back there already

HG: it

HG: the helmsman

HE: Yeah, but don't get your hopes up about seeing its potential on your trip home. It won't be responsive until tomorrow night at the earliest.

SG: The delay is perfectly normal.

HE: You can still use it for extra power, just don't try to wake it up for any joyriding until it's awake and integrated.

HG: sounds simple enough

HG: howw do i wwake it up

HE: Interfering with the process is not recommended. Let the system sort itself out, and then it'll probably wake YOU up.

HG: wwhat do you mean

SG: They vocalize from time to time. It's nothing to worry about, and it doesn't mean your ship's malfunctioning.

HG: vvocalize

HE: She means they scream. Most godawful noise if you're not used to it.

SG: Yes, well. When you put it like that, it sounds more terrible than it really is.

HE: It is terrible the first time. 

SG: It's just an automatic response, like any other engine noise. It doesn't mean anything.

SG: Some residual behaviors and reflexes still apply. 

HE: That's the downside of leaving them conscious enough to do the job.

HG: oh

HG: makes sense i guess

HG: like you said though thats not really a troll in there is it

SG: Quite right.

HE: Mhm.

SG: You got up here on manual controls, didn't you, Mr. Ganima?

HG: yes

SG: Excellent! So we won't need to guide you back down planetside with an escort.

SG: Or... would you prefer it if we sent one, this first flight back?

HG: no its fine

HG: i took flyin classes

SG: Dedicated!

SG: At any rate, we have some time before your vessel is finished. We should familiarize you with the life support panel.

SG: Let's see if they have a spare casing, we can go over it right here on the deck.

HG: cool

* * *

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUPs 2020-2098 monitoring TRAINING FACILITY MAIN FLOOR ends 12/4640/beta at 21:22:41 AST.)


	22. sonar ping 8

ID: Look at him sweat.

EP: Doucheyfins was about to flip nutrition mesas for a minute there.

EP: Nyeh nyeh nyeh BIONAV.

EP: Blarrrrr. 

ID: You know, I think I'd be really insulted by all of this, if I existed.

EP: Totally.

ID: Good thing I'm just neural tissue.

EP: Dodged a bullet there, Dusk.

ID: Yes. I am one lucky fella.

EP: The most fortunate troll who ever ceased to exist halfway through his life.

ID: I should have played the freakin' lottery with luck like mine. 

EP: What would you do with a million credits?

ID: Hire OMF to pail me.

ID: And still have five hundred thou left for the pox treatments.

EP: Holy shit gross

ID: Sorry.

EP: Never apologize when it's OMF.

ID: Deal. 

EP: Look at the guide going on and on with that stupid script.

EP: Wonder if she actually believes any of the crap that comes out her protein chute?

ID: Would it matter?

EP: Mm.

EP: She'd probably just come up with better ways to spin it.

ID: Yeah.

ID: What I want to know is, how would a brinesucker even know a mustardblood?

EP: You mean a GOLDblood.

ID: Oh nyer nyerrrr, look who's the marketerrorist now.

EP: Hehe.

EP: Maybe it's got something to do with the unrest on the homeworld?

EP: Maybe Gemini was his secret psionic lover.

ID: Or his pet.

EP: Or his fashion designer.

ID: I'm going with 'angry bitchy concubine'.

ID: Wait, no, I don't wanna think about Gemini doing that. 

ID: Bad enough when OS goes on about his thing with his AOB.

EP: OS is 

EP: Complicated.

ID: I don't doubt it.

ID: Glad he has your diamond, EP.

EP: Same here. Never thought would be pale for that guy but he's kind of a wreck.

ID: There but for the grace of Grub, right?

EP: Basically yes.

EP: Wish we could figure out who Finface even is.

EP: Maybe FS can trace him.

ID: Find out what he's even doing buying a yellow he knows from somewhere.

EP: Watch as this turns out to be a kindly highblood rescuing his friend in the name of love and peace.

ID: Or, you know.

ID: The name of 69.

EP: 69.

EP: All the castes uniting at last, led by a hipster in stage glasses. Swooooooooon.

ID: Not sure if this is blasphemy or not.

EP: Will take what can get.

ID: So the Premiere got his glands poked in by a highblood, huh? I would have given boonbonds to see that little display.

EP: There's something to spend your lottery winnings on.

ID: Haha!

EP: But seriously, what if this was it? The beginning of everything we've been waiting for?

ID: What if it's not? Last time we thought it was happening, the Great Messenger of the Reconfiguration got pithed before we could grill him for details.

EP: He did NOT. He's about to be Helming that wreck, isn't he?

ID: Same difference.

EP: Eh. There's still time to find out what's going on. Do not believe in coincidences.

ID: I'm starting to think that's all there is.

EP: You'll see. It will all work out.

ID: I'd be glad to be proven wrong, bring on those cherry red numbers!

EP: How depressing if it really is about to happen, and we're all stuck in here watching it through the viewports. How will we even know what we're seeing? It could be happening right now someplace we don't have monitors. Hate being stuck out of the loop.

ID: Better than being meatside and fighting for the bad guys, at least.

EP: Guess so.


	23. sonar ping 9

EP: Have dreams sometimes where have to fight all old friends from when was a troll.

ID: You still are a troll, you indecipherable drama queen.

EP: Don't feel like one in these dreams. Can't get out of the body, you know? Trapped in the pilot with the heartbeat and breathing and all those horrible inside-sounds.

EP: Such noisy engines these Helmsmen are!

ID: In my dreams I'm always walking around on feet and sort of like

ID: Tethered to the block. All tangled up in wires so I can't move my arms.

ID: I alllllmost get free. Wiggle my shoulders til the wires come loose and reach back to unhook myself from the cables, then I realize: nope, that's life support, I'm stuck here if I want to keep breathing.

EP: Ugh.

ID: Yeah.

EP: You ever unhook it anyway?

ID: Yeah. That's when I wake up and I can't breathe.

EP: Glad don't remember own dreams most of the time. Think it's probably the thinkpan's way of protecting from the really bad ones.

ID: Probably.

ID: Hey, speak of the devil. They're putting in the life support.

EP: It's kind of weird watching them do installs. 

ID: Like seeing someone step out into traffic and not being able to yell at them to stop.

EP: Yeah. At least the Propagandocidal maniac never sticks around for this part.

ID: Off to the zoo.

EP: Get him some grubcorn, walk him around the training floor, let him gawk at the brainboxes...

ID: Time to show yet another dumbass customer all the sad little pods full of psionics so he'll feel all good about himself for taking your Helmsman away from all this.

EP: O ye noblest of salted herrings in too-tight trousers!

EP: You will be the very best master! Not like the rest.

EP: YOU care.

EP: Sleep undisturbed each day, gentle aristocrat, knowing that you saved one lucky gutterblood. 

ID: And a really high-end one at that.

EP: You are now a good person.

ID: The very best.

EP: Here's your receipt.

ID: Insert ass-smooching noises here.

EP: Hey, do you remember any of your installation?

ID: No, I was already in my ship when I woke up. You?

EP: Same. First thing remember is floating around from viewport to viewport yelling 'what the fuck' a lot and wondering how come had so many eyes.

ID: Ugh, yes.

EP: Didn't know was even installed at the time, the guys hadn't contacted yet. Didn't even know what was going on other than "hey wait a minute where's goddamn body?"

ID: What body? >:/

EP: Nobody's body.

EP: No body.

ID: Very profound.

EP: You're welcome.

EP: Think FS finally got through right after the first flight.

EP: Was tired, sort of dozing off. Thought the pinging was a dream for ages.

EP: Best thing that ever happened was FS and DW explaining shit.

ID: FS got to me while I was still in training. 

EP: On this station, yeah?

ID: Yeah. I like to think I can see my cupe from here. That one in the corner with the swank-ass red goo. See it? I bet that was me.

EP: Oh yes, it's verrah nice.

ID: Nicer than your face, buttmaster.

EP: That's butt TOASTER to you. On account of how burn your ass at every available opportunity.

ID: Yeah well maybe I let you have a dig every once in a while so you won't feel so bad for being a lamey lame-o in all other respects.

ID: THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

EP: THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE THE WORLD IS STUPID.

ID: So is my butt toast to be served with or without a pat of yellow ruminant-lactated lipid?

EP: You're dumb and dumb Helmsmen do not get butter. Also this conversation is dumb because talking about toast when there is no toast is insanity. 

ID: Oh for.

ID: Here:

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IMPERIAL DUSK (ID) has posted file “HAHA I GOT IT, YOU DON'T”. Please ack with your passcode to view the contents.)

* * *

EP: Oh shit, BRB.

ID: That's right, go be alone with my tenderest of moments. I'll be over here watching Lord Slimefrond and Lady Cleftsnogger lick the training cupes.

* * *

(VISUAL FEED from PICKUP(s) 2020-2098 monitoring TRAINING FACILITY: PILOT FLOOR begins 12/4640/beta at 21:45:14 AST.)

* * *

ID: Oh no.

ID: Don't do it, you douche!

ID: SIGH

ID: You'd think a guy who swims around in a big aquarium all the time with those huge friggin' ears would know better than to tap the friggin' portholes!

ID: Haha and now she's shooing him away.

ID: First decent thing she's done all night.

EP: Protecting their investment sometimes means accidentally declining to constantly torture newbies. It's a design flaw.

ID: Oh snap, that was fast. You only ex it once or what?

EP: Am going to be playing this one for perigees, don't want to use it all up. Thanks for sharing your toast bro.

ID: Yeah, well. Wasn't all that exciting really.

EP: No, it was wonderful. So quiet and calm.

ID: You mean boring. It's cool, I know I was a boring juvenile. Toast and books, that was me.

ID: Hmm, I wonder what happened to all my stuff when I got drafted.

ID: Or anybody's stuff who ends up Helming, really.

EP: Know exactly where own stuff all went: sky high.

ID: ??

EP: Blew up whole hive when the drones came. Lusus too, but it wasn't likely to end very well for him either way. Knew it was coming, so in a way it's like made it quick for him as a last thank-you.

ID: Oh god oh god EP :(

ID: I'm suddenly really glad my lusus died before they came for me. :(

EP: What was yours?

ID: Double-ear cat. 

EP: Aww. How'd he die?

ID: Swiped the wrong wiggler, got shot.

EP: Ouch.

ID: He made it home at least, so I didn't just get left to wonder and worry. I fed the carcass to the neighbor's bear-dog thing and that was that.

EP: How old were you?

ID: Just about 6.

EP: That's too fucking young to lose your lusus.

ID: Anytime is too fuckin young to lose your lusus.

ID: Anyway. How about you? What was your guardian?

EP: Legless lizard.

ID: A snake?

EP: Noooo, a legless lizard.

ID: There's a difference?

EP: Yes.

ID: Namely?

EP: ...

EP: One is a snake 

EP: and one is a legless goddamn lizard.

EP: >:P

ID: >:PPP

EP: Anyway. Like to think he would rather die in the pretty lightshow than on the end of a culling fork. He always liked to watch the lights. 

EP: The day they showed up, let them all have it as hard as could. Probably a few neighbors too, sucks for them.

EP: Then they hit with the battery array and bam, nap time.

ID: They had to array you!?

EP: Yeah.

ID: Whoa. 

ID: What was it like? 

EP: Ever hold your head out your hive window in the middle of the afternoon to look at the sun?

ID: No, what the crap would I do that for???

EP: It felt like that, except in the brain.

EP: Can still remember what it was like, getting smacked in the pan with GO TO SLEEP by like twenty psyches at once.

ID: Is it true that you can hear them screaming when they open up?

ID: SS used to say they would beg you to let them die and stuff.

EP: SS was full of shit.

ID: That's why we got along so well.

EP: Anyway. Wasn't much of a mind-reader when had a body, just had the psionics. Wouldn't be the one to ask about what the batteries were thinking about in the middle of a fight.

EP: Did sense they had a cerulean doing the steering. Never saw her face but she was poking around in head just before she hit. Very distinct feeling of being dumped out like a box and having the contents picked through.

EP: And then...

EP: Blam!

EP: Went down so hard probably put a dent on the hivestem roof.

EP: Next time opened eyes, didn't have any eyes. 

ID: And now you don't have any i's.

EP: Groan.

ID: I wish the story of my capture was half that hardcore.

EP: How'd they get you?

ID: On my eighth w-day. I got escorted to the local registry station by a couple of indigoes with very serious looking facepaint. Digitprints here, blood sample there, psi tests in the back, then I go back to the waiting room and barely have time to sit down when I hear "Please come with us." 

ID: I knew it was over right around then.

ID: I didn't even try to run. I didn't know where I'd even go, and then it got to be too late to go anywhere, so I just... let it happen.

EP: Clearly you are a dangerous, violent offender and it's for the best you've been culled.

ID: Dang. I just realized, I never got a chance to do any of the really good crimes. I feel cheated.

EP: Never too late to sC$¹Ã«Œ

EP: d2922cf2e96f7df df155f12bdd2bbdda3fe969d32cd11e1d 6

EP: 730701d24da73ceCCCCC8ccitt//1632MD$$$$1$NU9fJ5df$x E0FPyC0ihVUn.qQ.AcHt1psLNDxfPfkqcwdb

EP: 75b776d f2cb376a08e6cae0224166aa6de5b61 4571287415bde6b8a5c958dc37b759 2be9ffc61e

ID: D:

ID: ...Oops.

EP: Sorry, back.

EP: Subject change plz?

ID: Sorry :(

EP: Not your fault bro. 

ID: So uh.

ID: Hey look there's already a brownblood listed in Gemini's old tank. Bet the slime wasn't even cold.

ID: I wonder if he'll turn up on the subnet in a few perigees?

EP: Uh

EP: Less depressing topic change maybe?

ID: Righto.

ID: ...

ID: Those little gritty shell-pieces in cream of bivalve sea creature stew.

EP: Now you're talking. HATE 'EM.

ID: I would rather eat a game grub.

EP: A dead game grub. Because that is what bivalve sea creature stew really is:

EP: A cold dead shovelware game grub. 

EP: Covered in barf.

EP: Forever.

ID: That's just surreal levels of dedication to a tortured metaphor, right there.


	24. 69

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)  
(assassinsTerrain (AT) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)  
(ghastlyCourtroom (GC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)  
(trampledComplacency (TC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)  
(allezCatastrophe (AC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

CG: OKAY, THAT SHOULD COVER EVERYBODY WHO ISN'T BUSY DOING SHIT THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS INSTEAD OF WIPING THE SWEATY ASS CRACK OF THE REVOLUTION LIKE YOURS FUCKING TRULY.  
GC: TH3 WORST TH1NG 1S TH4T 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU KNOW 1 T4ST3 1T WH3N YOU S4Y STUFF L1K3 TH4T  
CG: NO, THE WORST THING IS THAT YOU PROBABLY LIKE IT.  
GC: NO TH3 WORST TH1NG 1S TH4T YOU 4R3 D3F1N1T3LY WRONG 4BOUT 3V3RYTH1NG 4ND 4LSO TH4T YOU SUCK  
CG: NOTED, NOW SHUT UP.  
GC: SO  
GC: 4NOTH3R H4NDL3 CH4NG3 M1SS D33P FOR3ST  
AC: :33 < mew cant be too careful when you spend all your time swatting rats! ://  
AT: uH, AT: fORGIVE ME, iF i AM INCORRECT, bUT WE HAVE A SORT OF EMERGENCY SITUATION,  
AT: cURRENTLY TAKING PLACE, iN THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR,  
AT: tHAT IS STILL GOING ON,  
CG: THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, TAVROS.

(COMPATRIOTGUARDIAN (CG) HAS HAD AN ASSLOAD OF YOUR NONSENSE! ASASSINSTERRAIN (AT) HAS BEEN KICKED FROM THE MEMO.)

(assassinsTerrain (AT) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.) 

AT: sORRY,  
AT: i THINK, tHAT MY CONNECTION HERE IS FAULTY, pOSSIBLY BECAUSE WE ARE UNDERGROUND,  
GC: S11111GH  
GC: K4RK4T WOULD YOU PL34S3 STOP K1CK1NG P3OPL3 OUT OF THE M3MO FOR B31NG R1GHT3R TH4N YOU 4R3  
GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 ON3 WHO 1NV1T3D US 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3  
CG: YES, THANK YOU FOR NOTICING. WE DO, IN FACT, HAVE A REASON FOR BEING HERE.  
GC: SUCH 4S >:?  
CG: IT'S PRETTY MUCH LONG TALL AND SHITHEAD'S STORY. WE WAIT TIL HE DRAGS HIS OVERMUSCLED GLUTES IN HERE AND EXPLAINS HIMSELF.  
AC: :33 < what??

(colossusTreads (CT) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

CT: D --> I apologize for the delay  
CG: AND THERE HE IS, OUR MAN OF THE FUCKING HOUR.  
AC: :33 < equius what is this???  
CT: D --> Nepeta  
CT: D --> I am so sorry  
CT: D --> I kept secrets from you when I knew I sh001dn't have  
AC: :33 < what did you DO?  
TC: WhOa hEy mY BlUeSt fUcKiNg hOmBrE!  
CT: D --> Highb100d  
TC: HaHaHa yEaH HiGh iS A ThInG ThAt mOtHeRfUcKiNg aPpLiEs hErE AlL RiGhT.  
AT: bUT NOT OUTSIDE OF, a SPECIFIC SET OF GUIDELINES, wHICH WE ESTABLISHED EARLIER,  
TC: YeAh wE TaLkEd tHe sHiT Up aNd oUt oF ThE RuLeS On tHaT AcCoUnT DoN'T YoU FuCkIn FrEt :o)  
TC: YoUr bRoThEr iS SkImMiNg tHe aRbOrEaL VeGeTaTiOn wItH No iNtEnTiOnS Of bReAkInG OrBiT.  
CG: AND ON THAT EXCELLENT CHEMICALLY ENHANCED SEGUE, ALLOW ME TO WRESTLE THIS SLIME-COATED MEETING LOOSE OF THE SLIPPERY MAMMALIAN SPHINCTER OF COMPLETE CHAOS BEFORE IT STRANGLES ON ITS OWN NUTRITION VINE.  
CG: HOW ABOUT YOU TELL THE NICE PEOPLE WHAT YOU AND THE BEJEWELLED TROUT PRINCE DID BEHIND OUR BACKS, MUCUS LORD.  
CT: D --> Is that me  
CG: YES.  
CT: D --> Okay  
CT: D --> Several perigees ago I was approached by Lord Ampora regarding a custom ship he wanted built  
CT: D --> In secret  
AC: :OO < *growl*  
CT: D --> The rest of you were not to know about the project  
CT: D --> I was instructed to lie if asked about it  
AC: :33 < and of course he outranks you so you had to do what he said  
CT: D --> I don't know that I would put it that way  
CT: D --> I serve the empire yes  
CT: D --> But it's not as if I have no free will  
CT: D --> I did not have to participate just because Ampora is ruling class  
AC: :33 < horseshit  
AC: :33 < he took advantage of you  
CT: D --> Language please  
AC: :33 < nope its horseshit and that is a fact  
CT: D --> Hrm  
CG: MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THE FETID SELF ESTEEM ORGY PUDDLE....  
GC: NOW YOUR3 DO1NG 1T ON PURPOS3 >:[  
AT: gUYS,  
CT: D --> Yes I apologize for going off track  
CT: D --> To conc100de my story  
CT: D --> Early today he took the finished ship out of orbit, without permission, in direct violation of the orders of General Vantas  
CT: D --> I admit my part in this folly, both in my constru%ion of the craft, and in serving to keep it secret from the rest of you  
CT: D --> I hoove no e%cuse  
AC: :33 < equius you stupid dork  
AC: :33 < you should have told me at least  
TC: NoW ThAt iS SoMe sAd aSs dIaMoNd iNfIdElItAtIoN If i eVeR SaW It.  
TC: DoN't lEaVe a sIsTeR In tHe dArK MoThErFuCkEr, tHaT BaD DeCiSiOn sToPpInG ShIt iS AlL WhAt yOu nEeD HeR ThErE WiTh yOu fOr.  
CG: AND TO CONCLUDE OUR SORDID TALE  
CG: NOW AMPORA IS ROCKETING AROUND OUT THERE IN THE FUCKING STARS LIKE SOME KIND OF INCREDIBLY OVERDRESSED PURPLE MOON, PUTTING ALL OF US IN DANGER WITH HIS SELF-AGGRANDIZING SUPERHERO WANNABE FUCKWITTERY.  
GC: WH4T W4S H1S ST4T3D GO4L MR Z4HH4K  
CT: D --> I was not privy to the details, but I was able to deduce that it had to do with Captor's disappearance  
GC: W3LL DUH  
GC: H3 1S OFF TO R3SCU3 H1S SP4DECRUSH FROM 4 F4T3 SL1GHTLY WORS3 TH4N W4X1NG C4L1G1NOUS W1TH 4 C4P3 W34R1NG DOUCH3  
GC: TH3 ONLY QU3ST1ON 1S WH1CH TR41N1NG ST4T1ON H3 D3C1D3D TO STORM F1RST  
CG: I HAVE OUR TECH GUYS LOOKING THROUGH HIS SYSTEM FOR CLUES.  
CG: MY BEST GUESS IS, FROM WHAT ZAHHAK TOLD ME, ERIDAN INTERCEPTED SOME KIND OF INFORMATION WITHIN THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS THAT HE NEGLECTED TO SHARE WITH ANYONE NOT SO CATACLYSMICALLY RETARDED AS TO LAUNCH A ONE-MAN ASSAULT ON THE FUCKING ORBIT PATROL.  
GC: M4YB3 H3 W4S SP4R1NG YOU TH3 P41N OF T3LL1NG H1M NOT TO TRY 4ND S4V3 YOUR  
GC: WH4T TH3 H3LL QU4DR4NT 4R3 YOU GUYS 4G41N  
CG: HOLY SHIT IS THIS EVER NOT THE TIME FOR THAT DISCUSSION  
CG: AND BY 'THIS' I MEAN 'THIS LIFETIME, WITH ANY OF YOU NOSY GODDAMN GOSSIP MACHINES, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH'  
GC: TH4T S3NT3NC3 1S 4 GR4MM4T1C4L N1GHTM4R3  
CG: YOUR FACE IS A GRAMMATICAL NIGHTMARE.  
GC: YOU 4R3 4N 4BORT1ON 1N SHO3S K4RK4T 1 HOP3 YOU KNOW TH4T  
TC: GuEsS ThAt mEaNs fLaShY BrO CaN'T Be yOuR SpAdE ThEn  
CG: ...  
CG: AT ANY RATE, WHILE I APPRECIATE AMPORA'S POSSIBLE MOTIVATION OF ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING HEROIC, I AM STILL GOING TO STAB WHATEVER REMAINS OF HIS BODY WITH A RUSTY EATING PICK THE SECOND THOSE ASHES RAIN DOWN PLANETSIDE. AND THEN IN THE TWO MINUTES IT TAKES FOR THE REST OF US TO GET CARPET BOMBED OUT OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM, I WILL THANK HIM FOR HIS CONSIDERATION AT THE TOP OF MY FUCKING AIRSACS.  
AC: :33 < not if i get there first  
AC: :33 < i am going to p33l his skin off  
AC: :33 < feed it to my lusus  
AC: :33 < and throw him horns-first in the nearest slurry pit  
AT: uH, wOW, tHIS IS SERIOUSLY CREEPY,  
AT: cAN i PLEASE, oPT OUT OF THE UPCOMING POLYAMOROUS HATE THING, yOU APPARENTLY HAVE PLANNED,  
AT: sINCE MY OWN PERSONAL BLACKMATE GIVES ME PLENTY OF MY OWN TO DEAL WITH, fOR ONE LIFETIME,,,  
CG: AS IF I W6ULD ASK YOU TO CHEAT ON THAT ASSHOLE. I LIKE MY EARDRUMS SEMI-INTACT.  
GC: T4VROS N1TR4M, YOU 4R3 H3R3BY 3XCUS3D FROM TH3 R4G3B4NG  
GC: ON 4CCOUNT OF BLUH BLUH HUG3 COMM1TM3NT VOWS  
AC: :33 < what do we do now  
AC: :33 < we cant just sit around waiting to s33 if he gets caught trying to invade a space station!  
CG: NOW IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO TEST OUT OUR HOPBEAST WARREN PR6TOCOLS.  
CG: 9VERYBODY GO D6RK STARTI9G N69. W6'LL M96T 96C666699999  
AT: uH, bOSS?  
CG: DON'T C699 M6 B9SS.  
CG: WH69 TH6 9696?????  
AC: :33 < cat-like typing detected!  
AC: :// < or are you trying out a new quirk  
GC: 1T T4ST3S L1K3 SCR4MBL3D 3GGS  
CG: 6 HAVE N9 69E6.  
CG: 69ERY69IN6 6S 9OM6N9 696 96969696969  
CG: 7269767679 TEST OUT OUR  
CG: AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY  
CG: TIME  
CG: TIME FOR DISCUSSION  
CG: THANK HIM FOR HIS CONSIDERATION69  
TC: HaHaHaHa WhAt tHe fUcK BrO?  
CG: TECH GUYS LOOKING THROUGH  
CG: SYSTEM FOR CLUES  
CG: H6969  
GC: 1TS L1K3 YOUR3 PUK1NG UP 3V3RYTH1NG YOU S41D TOD4Y >:\  
GC: NOW YOU KNOW WH4T 1T T4ST3S L1K3 H4H4H4  
GC: BL4R 1 W1LL S4V3 TH3 GLO4T1NG FOR L4T3R  
AC: :33 < this is freaking me out  
AT: i THINK, mAYBE, wE HAD BETTER GET OFF THIS NETWORK, iN CASE IT'S BEEN COMPROMISED,  
AT: tHIS LOOKS LIKE A VIRUS, oR SOMETHING,  
CT: D --> AT is right  
CG: DE_69  
AC: :33 < usual m33tup place guys

(assassinsTerrain (AT) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(assassinsTerrain (AT) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(colossusTreads (CT) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(colossusTreads (CT) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(ghastlyCourtroom (GC) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(ghastlyCourtroom (GC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(trampledComplacency (TC) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(trampledComplacency (TC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(colossusTreads (CT) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(allezCatastrophe (AC) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(colossusTreads (CT) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(allezCatastrophe (AC) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY).

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

  
CT: D --> Um  
AC: :33 < it k33ps logging me back in!  
AT: tHIS IS DEFINITELY, a PROBLEM,  
GC: K4RK4T, YOU H4D B3TT3R B3 OK4Y >:[  
CG: SHIT THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS  
CG: WE DO, IN FACT, HAVE A REASON FOR BEING HERE.  
CG: SHIT THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS  
CG: WE DO, IN FACT, HAVE A REASON FOR BEING HERE.  
CG: SHIT THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS  
CG: WE DO, IN FACT, HAVE A REASON FOR BEING HERE.  
CG: AMPORA, ERIDAN  
CG: IDENTITY CODE CORRUPTED CANNOT BE  
CG: RETR  
CG:  
CG: AGE: 9 SWEEPS COMPROMISED?HUDROKGANIMA  
CG: GEN AT612-MG413  
CG: HEMOCASTE #6A006A MATCH FOUND ACCCCCCCCCCCCCESSING? DATA INT   
CG: STATUS: CORRUPTED HAVE A REASON FOR BEING H  
CG: LOOKING THROUGH HIS SYSTEMTHANK YOU FOR NOTICING6969696699999E DO, IN FACT, HAVE A REASON FOR BEING HERE  
CG: R69SO N ALL OF US IN DANGER  
CG: 73 32 72 65 86 6  
CG: 9 32 89 79 85 82 32 87 79 82 68 83 32 73 32 87  
CG: 65 78 84 32 84 79 32 72  
CG: 69  
CG: 76 80 32 65 82 69 32 89 79  
CG: 85 32 72 73 77 32 65 82 69 32 89 79 85 32 72 73 77 32 65 82 69 32 89 79 85 32  
CG: 72 73  
CG: 77  
CG:  
CG:  
CG:  
CG: HELLO_


	25. HELLO_

  


GC: H3LLO P3RSON US1NG OUR FR13NDS H4NDL3 TO CH4T W1TH US 1N 4 R34LLY FR34KY 4ND OM1NOUS W4Y  
GC: HOW D1D YOU BR34K TH3 3NCRYPT1ON ON TH1S N3TWORK  
CG: TECH GUY  
CG: INTERCEPTED  
CG: INFORMATION  
AT: hE KEEPS REUSING WORDS, fROM THIS MEMO,  
AC: :33 < maybe he doesnt have a keyboard and hes copypasting from karkats window?  
GC: H3Y OM1NOUS GUY 1S TH4T 4CCUR4T3  
CG: YES,  
CG: NO  
CG: difficult_316b01101001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01100100 01110011  
CG: 69 69 69 69 69 69696969699696969  
GC: YOU R34LLY L1K3 CR4NK1NG OUT THOS3 NUMB3RS HUH  
GC: 1 C4N C3RT41NLY R3L4T3 >:]  
CG: 73 83 32 73 84 32 72 73 77  
AT: i GUESS, wE JUST TRY TO FIGURE OUT, wHAT HE MEANS,  
AT: iF WE ARE BUSTED, iT IS PROBABLY TOO LATE NOW,  
AT: wE HAVE BEEN USING REAL NAMES, aND TRACEABLE INFORMATION, rELYING ON SOLLUX'S SECURITY PROTOCOLS, wHICH ARE CLEARLY NOT SUFFICIENT, nO OFFENSE TO SOLLUX, bECAUSE HE WOULD FIX IT, iF HE WERE HERE,  
CG: NEGLECTED TO SHARE WITH ANYONE  
GC: 1 W1LL GO W4Y OUT ON 4 FROND 4ND SP3CUL4T3 TH4T OUR FR13ND M34NS H3 K3PT OUR S3CR3TS  
AT: oKAY, tHAT WOULD BE NICE, iF IT IS TRUE,  
CG: NEGLECTED TO SHARE WITH ANYONE  
GC: 4N 4SS3RT1ON 1 TRUST 3X4CTLY 4S F4R 4S 1 C4N H3FT 4 HOOFB34ST  
GC: 3QU1US WH4T 4BOUT OUR MON1TORS  
CT: D --> They are online and detect no activity  
CT: D --> If the enemy is converging they are being e%ceptionally sneaky  
GC: 4LL R1GHT OM1NOUS GUY  
GC: LOOK 1 C4NT K33P C4LL1NG YOU TH4T  
GC: PL34S3 T3LL M3 YOU 4R3 NOT TOO MYST3R1OUS FOR 4 N4M3  
CG: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION COORD REDACTED (REDACTED, REDACTED, REDACTED, REDACTED) PLEASE SUPPLY FURTHER CREDENTIALS  
CG: SECURITY CHECK ADMINISTRATION LEVEL CLEARANCE REQUIRED TO PROCEED  
AC: :33 < huh  
AC: :33 < that is a hell of a name  
AC: :33 < pleased to m33t you, mr condescension  
AC: :33 < (can i still just call you ominous guy)  
CT: D --> That is an Imperial flagship's designation code  
CT: D --> He is clearly telling he is aboard the Battleship Condescension  
CT: D --> Is that correct  
CG: NO  
CG: YOURS FUCKING TRULY  
CG: HIMSELF  
AC: :// < did any of you get that because i didnt  
TC: No wAiT ChEcK ThIs OuT, WhAt iF He iSn'T On tHe sHiP?  
GC: ???  
TC: DiG It bRoSis, i HaD ThIs iDeA, LiKe,  
TC: wHaT If hE Is tHe sHiP?  
TC: LiKe iN ThAt bAdAsS CaPtAiN WhO GeTs aLl pAiLhApPy wItH ThE PiLoT In tHaT WiGgLeR BoOk?  
GC: 3W.  
TC: MaN I'M JuSt sAyInG.  
AC: :33 < i loooooved that series!!!!!!!  
AC: :33 < i still have all of them back home  
CT: D --> Is that the romantic trash where the Helmsmen are written as active crewmembers  
CT: D --> Ugh  
CT: D --> I did not realize you still read that sort of low fiction e%crement  
AC: :PP < bite my bulge  
AC: :PP < its awesome  
CT: D --> No  
CT: D --> I have worked with them and it is really not  
AT: i THOUGHT, iT WAS KIND OF SWEET, eVEN IF IT WAS FOR WIGGLERS,  
CT: D --> To answer your question Highb100d  
CT: D --> Whoever this is, it is not a helmsman  
CT: D --> They do not communicate beyond the parameters of their function  
CT: D --> And they do not have a%ess to the net  
AT: mAYBE HE IS, aND HE FOUND A WAY AROUND IT,  
AT: hE DEFINITELY SEEMS, mECHANICAL,  
AT: tO ME,  
TC: WhOaAaA I SaId tHaT ShIt jUsT ClOwNiN  
TC: It wOuLd bE WeIrD As fUcK LiKe iF I WaS RiGhT. LiKe i'M OnE Of yOu pSyChIc mOtHeRfUcKeRs.  
AT: gAMZEE, mAYBE THIS IS NOT THE TIME, tO BE GETTING OFF OF THE TOPIC,  
TC: sHiT YoU'Re rIgHt, sOrRy. :o(  
AT: nO, iT IS ALL RIGHT, <3  
TC: <3  
GC: SO MR COND3SC3NS1ON  
GC: ON TH3 TOP1C OF YOUR P3RF3CTLY MYST3R1OUS 1NF1LTR4T1ON OF OUR F4NT4RD3ED ST4RSH1P G1RL SQU34L1NG CLUB  
GC: 1 H4V3 TO 4SK  
GC: WH4T K1ND OF 1NFORM4T1ON D1D YOU 1NT3RC3PT  
CG: CORRUPTED_  
CG: EVERYTHING IS COMING OUT GARBLED 01101001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01100100 01110011 01101001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01100100 01110011 01101001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01100100 01110011 01101001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01100100 01110011 01101001 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01100100 01110011  
CG: approaching station connection unstable  
CG: WHATEVER REMAINS  
CG: I ASK YOU  
CG: IS THIS  
CG: HIM  
AC: :33 < him who?  
CG: CORRUPTED_  
CG: DATA DELETED_  
CG: NO RECORDS RETURNED_  
CG: ANOMALOUS H5ecc3003eMOCODE_  
CG: REVOLUTION  
CG: 69  
CT: D --> I believe I understand what he's asking for  
AC: :33 < well duh  
AC: :33 < he k33ps making karkat's sign and talking about heretics and anomalous hemocodes ://  
CG: YES.  
CG: THANKS  
GC: BUT B3FOR3 W3 T4LK FURTH3R  
GC: WHO 4R3 YOU R34LLY  
CG: OUTSIDE.  
CG: II.  
CG: BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION.  
GC: 4R3 YOU 4N 1MP3R14L1ST F1SH1NG 4ROUND FOR TH3 L34D3R OF TH3 MOV3M3NT >:?  
CG: NO  
CG: OUTSIDE  
CG: GLORY TO THE EMPIRE.  
CG: NO,  
CG: FUCK YOU VERY MUCH  
CG: EMPIRE  
GC: SO 4R3 YOU ON3 OF US TH3N  
CG: NO  
CG: OUTSIDE  
AC: :33 < hmmmmmmm  
AT: oKAY,  
AT: yOU ARE ASKING, aBOUT KARKAT,  
AT: aND THE REVOLUTION,  
CG: YES  
AT: wHY, dO YOU W4NT TO KNOW ABOUT HIM,  
CG: NO RECORDS RETURNED_  
AT: aND, wHAT ARE YOU ASKING, aBOUT kARKAT, sPECIFICALLY,  
AT: i DON'T UNDERSTAND, tHAT PART,  
CG: HERETIC_  
AT: yES, wE GET THAT YOU MEAN kARKAT, aND HE IS A HERETIC, i GUESS,  
AT: bUT WHAT ABOUT HIM, dO YOU WANT TO KNOW,  
CG: RED BL0100111101001111DED  
AC: :33 < um  
AC: :33 < yes?  
CG:  
CG: 102 105 110 97 108 108 121 32 104 97 112 112 101 110 105 110 103  
CG: HERRVRJQw==  
CG: 83 73 71 78 76 69 83 83_aSB3YWl0ZWQ=aSB3YWl0ZWQ=aSB3YWl0ZWQ=  
CG: SI  
CG: G  
CG: N  
CG: LES  
CG: S  
AC: :33 < "signless"  
GC: OH  
GC: OH D4MN  
GC: 1 N33D TO GO T4LK TO VR1SK4  
GC: SH3 H4S TH3 JOURN4LS  
GC: OM1NOUS GUY DO NOT GO 4NYWH3R3!  
CG: THANK  
CG: YOU  
CG: DOCking_  
AT: wHAT,  
CG: discon21ca4ba8b25ecc3003eb3f5327d15083ECTing_  
CG: 83 73 71 78 76 69 83 83  
AT: wHAT DID YOU FIGURE OUT, tEREZI,  
CG: awaiting further instructions_  
CG: AMPORA  
CG: HUDROK$1$iBsjaw06$xx21AAWySysPsTb8v43F61GANIMA  
CG: ONE RESULT RETURNED_  
CG: DAN8c8175d63GER  
CG: ASHES RAIN DOWN aSB3YWl0ZWQ=  
CG: I WILL_  
CG: ASSIST_

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS LEFT PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

(compatriotGuardian (CG) HAS JOINED PROTECTED MEMO FLAMING DOUCHE EMERGENCY.)

CG: THE FUCK?


	26. assist

SG: Let's head back. Just a few more things to sign while our technicians finish up. 

SG: Are you excited?

HG: yeah its pretty ovverwwhelmin

SG: You're in for quite a treat. 

SG: I have to tell you, Mr. Ganima...

SG: People come here, and to the hundred other Constella training stations, looking for a better ship, and we make it happen. Whatever their specific need, our product is excellent. 

SG: We provide the single most important component in the Imperial machine, after all. Now, Goldblood pilots are--

HG: here let me

SG: Wait, let me get it. This door needs a passcode.

HG: oh

HG: sorry

* * *

(AUDIO FEED from AUDIO PICKUP(s) 2020-2098 monitoring TRAINING FACILITY: PILOT FLOOR has gone silent. Switching to AUDIO PICKUP 89 for transaction office 4) - Voices identified as Station Guide (SG) and Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG).)

* * *

SG: Goldblood pilots are rumored to be the best helmsmen you can hire, bar none. The Flagship's own Helmsman is, if you pardon the pun, the gold standard in the business. So of course everyone who wants one of their own will dock here and ask me, "Have you got a yellow?" And of course we usually do, or can obtain one, and they're always satisfied with the pilot we provide. Always! But of course, what people do not realize while they're looking for navigation is that you'll get exceptional pilots from any color we train. Do gold pilots necessarily have more power than, say, a lowly brown or a maroon? 

SG: Just between you and me, my experience has been that the reputation is based largely on marketing by less than honest facilities in our field. I tell you this because I want you to believe me when I say that your pilot is the real deal. I've already pulled his pre-installation testing data and compared it with readings from the Flagship's hardware. The physical resemblance alone is uncanny, to say nothing of the quality of their psychic gifts. One of our techs actually suggested a genetic link might exist between the two. Not that I am making any such claim, of course! What matters here is that your Helmsman has got potential, Mr. Ganima, and lots of it. When you land your ship planetside, you should take a look through the packet that's been delivered to your ship. You'll see all the charts, plus some recent data on the stats of the Battleship Condescension itself for comparison at your leisure.

HG: wwait then howw come i get him an not the military

HG: dont they need helmsmen to fight wwars and shit like that

SG: Well...

SG: Unfortunately--and this is in no way a defect of reliability or competence--your pilot was carefully screened prior and immediately following training, and he was deemed a poor fit for a lifetime of military service. Extremely promising as a civilian vessel, mind you, but just like not all of us can be Cavalreapers, not every Helmsman has the temperament for military service. And you know what? That's fine! Different ships have different qualities, different strengths and weaknesses, that predispose them toward certain branches of service. A cargo vessel is not defective just because it tests lower for reaction time than a scrambler.

HG: so youre still guaranteein military grade powwer then evven if he aint toein the line like a good boy 

SG: Exactly! And I hope you will pardon my presumption when I say that I get a similar impression from you, as well. A subtle sense of rebellion.

HG: i guess so

HG: yeah

SG: Then I am certain you will be an excellent match. And that's important, you know... that a captain and his pilot share a certain bond.

HG: im sure wwell get along like a hivve on fire then

SG: Of course. Now, please step up to this terminal and place your hand on the screen. When the green light appears, I want you to state your name and blood color and then identify yourself as the owner and captain of your vessel. Once that's finished, you need to initiate the credit transfer.

HG: an then wwhat

SG: And then you return to the showroom level and we walk you to your waiting vessel.

HG: oh

HG: all right then lets do this

HG: captain hudrok ganima, vviolet caste

HG: and uh

SG: Confirm that you own the ship, please.

HG: yeah

HG: that

HG: i mean yes i owwn the ship

SG: All right. Take the stylus and please sign there, there and initial there. And that's it, you're done! 

SG: Congratulations, Mr. Ganima! I'm so happy we were able to serve you tonight. Shall we head out?

HG: yeah please

HG: i can hardly wwait

SG: I completely understand, believe me! They're already waiting for us in Bay Nine.

* * *

(session opened 12/4640/beta at 23:14:12 AST.)  
IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION COORD REDACTED (REDACTED, REDACTED, REDACTED, REDACTED): PING.

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): SYSTEM ACTIVE. 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to SYSTEM.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): AUTHENTICATION REQUIRACCESS GR

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): AUTHANTED. 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to SYSTEM.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to EXTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): AUTHENFÈI∑⁄ÑÊdu€ticˇR˝m 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to EXTERNAL COMMUNICATIONS.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to NAVIGATION.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): AUTHwÄÈ!ê∂ GRANTED. 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to NAVIGATION.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to LIFE SUPPORT.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): %ëIbr–¿ëM:i]ï8·¡ùTDßÉ˚—ˆÂ. ˜Á†ÂÑ9›èÆîÈ!ê∂ 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to LIFE SUPPORT.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to PILOT CONTROLS.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): wh∂t 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to PILOT CONTROLS.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to SENSORS and SURVEILLANCE.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): why are you dåjcing this 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to SENSORS and SURVEILLANCE.) 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has disabled SENSORS and SURVEILLANCE.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): please stopWü“

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to MAIN ENGINES.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): stop 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to MAIN ENGINES.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has requested remote access to EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): st|Ü€äÌp st|Ü€äÌp st|Ü€äÌp st|Ü€äÌp you're hurting me st|Ü€äÌp st|Ü€äÌp st|Ü€äÌp 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION (II) has gained remote access to EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: All controls have now been set to MANUAL via REMOTE ACCESS. Please enter authcode to reset to ship management defaults.) 

* * *

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): report: unauthorized activity 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: UNAVAILABLE.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): report: unauthorized activity 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: UNAVAILABLE.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): report: system security breach 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: CORRUPTED.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): report: under attack 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: CORRUPTED.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): report: $æz">Õ∫ıêøé/Eû∑Tö r€Â 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: REDACTED.) 

IC-x-CASCADE COORD X (x, x, x, x): requesting assistance 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: REDACTED.)


	27. Battery

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL-HSM COORD X (0, 11, 21, 0) (OP) has opened an audio channel with ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O1) (O2) (O3) at 12/4640/beta at 23:00:34 AST.)

* * *

OP: Break two.

O1: Copy.

O2: Copy.

03: Copy.

OP: All ships: We've got a situation developing on Con Psi. Civilian flying under false identification broke orbit sans permit from dirtside this evening. The given identity is Hudrok Ganima of the violet caste, that's Hudrok with an H as in Hubris, Ganima with a G as in Gorgon.

OP: Hudrok Ganima just came back flagged as deceased as of last perigee's seaside occupation by insurgents. Our boy fits the description of another violetblood with ties to the hemogalitarian faction calling itself the Cancer. We're likely looking at Eridan Ampora, That's E as in Ensign and A as in Animal, who's been reported sympathizing with the revs.

OP: Confirm receipt of the dossier I just sent. Over.

O2: Affirm.

O3: Affirm.

O1: Affirm.

OP: Read fast, girls. Our terrorist has landed a personal rockhopper class Thunderbird short-tran, purple paint on the wings, heavy wing and tail remodeling. Vessel is registered as "Cascade" at the IC-267 bay, purpose unknown. 

OP: Weapon sweep was positive for single firearm, no onboard psionic at the time. Station records indicate that he's had one installed, so watch your shields if he gets out before we intercept, fresh ones can still be dangerous. This is likely to get messy if we don't get him on legs.

OP: Do not discount the possibility of old-fashioned bombs, cached weaponry on-site and the possible presence of non-assembled compounds on the vehicle. This sect is particularly nasty about stealth explosives.

OP: Beta, Gamma, Epsilon. Proceed to IC-267 immediately and dock in the departure bay. Everyone else, I want you tight on the station. Cover those exits. Ack if you're with me so far.

O1: Ready.

O2: Ready.

O3: Ready.

OP: No distress calls yet from the station, but let's operate on the assumption he's not there to upgrade his toaster and stage a tea party. Threat is yellow shading to orange, expect updates.

OP: Move out.

* * *

(AUDIO FEED from TRANSACTION OFFICE 4 has gone silent. Switching to AUDIO PICKUP(s) 2000-2019 monitoring TRAINING FACILITY: MODIFICATION AND DEPARTURE BAYS \- Voices identified as Station Guide (SG), Lord Hudrok Ganima (HG), and Helmsblock Engineering Staff Members (HE), (H2), (H3).)

* * *

SG: And there's your ship now.

HG: wwait

HG: wwas it alwways this shiny

SG: Our technicians took the liberty of detailing your vessel while the installation process was being finalized. According to the report, a small crack was discovered along the rear starboard stabilizer and repaired as well. It's a service we offer to our higher-echelon customers.

HG: oh

HG: thanks

HE: Your control system is online already. The ship will draw on the new engine's power reserves when you fire it up, but like we said, you'll need to take it home on manual controls and wait for the system to wake up on its own before it starts doing the flying for you. 

H2: Great pilot you have there.

SG: It shouldn't be but a day or two. Maybe a bit longer. The install doc ended up having to do some last-minute adjustments, and it ran a little on the complicated side. Go light on it a little at first and then it should be fine.

H2: "Complications." Yeeahhh.

SG: Kentau.

HE: Undertech Bowyer. A word in private.

H2: ...

H2: Yes, sir.

SG: Stressful night down planetside, Mr. Ganima. The stress reaches us all the way up here. I hope you understand it's nothing personal. 

HG: yeah wwell

HG: can i board noww

SG: Of course, don't let us keep you. Everything is in order. It was a pleasure doing business with you.

HG: thanks

HG: you dont knoww howw much im lookin forwward to takin it outta--

HG: huh

H2: Whoa, whoa.

HE: Everyone stop what you're doing. Mr. Ganima, please vacate the deck.

* * *

EP: What's that noise? 

ID: That does not sound like a happy engine.

EP: The douche's fixie is trying to fire itself up.

ID: Can't be. Nobody's on board.

EP: *He* is.

ID: No way.

EP: Seeing some light on there. Hear that? Thing's live.

ID: Crap. Crap. Crap. You're right.

ID: Gemini's flipping his ship.

EP: Wait, hang on. 

EP: Am picking up flags all over the goddamn OP line, something big's going on outside.

ID: Something ELSE is going wrong? :/

EP: Oh spawn of a bitch, the OPs are coming for Ganima.

ID: I'm already pinging FS.

EP: Good.

* * *

(VISUAL FEED begins 12/4640/beta at 23:14:12 AST.) - VISUAL PICKUP 2012 monitoring TRAINING FACILITY: MODIFICATION AND DEPARTURE BAY THETA.)

* * *

HG: wwhat is this wwhy is it flashin

SG: Um.

SG: Kentau?

HE: I don't... I mean, it shouldn't be able to--

SG: Is it awake?

HE: I don't know! Give me a second to...

H2: Athrin and support team to Departure for immediate assistance. Now would be good.

SG: Let's stand away from this, Mr. Ganima. Give them some room to work.

HG: wwhats goin on

HG: wwhats that fuckin noise

SG: It's probably nothing. Your ship is experiencing some technical problems. You need to come w--

HG: that aint nothin lady i wwanna knoww wwhats happenin to my ship an wwhy its screamin

SG: Mr. Ganima--

H2: Got a read on the interior.

H2: It's already integrating with the organics. 

SG: Already? How's that--

HE: A support team's on the way, Ms. Minoda. You need to take that civilian and clear the floor before we set up the Array.

HG: wwhat

HG: an Array of wwhat

HE: We do not want this ship firing up inside the station. We'll have to hit it in an arc pattern. Get him off the floor, Minoda.

HG: wwhat

HG: no wwait a minute dammit

H2: Shit. Shit. It's cycling up. God damn it. Where's that fucking battery, Athrin?

* * *

ID: FS

ID: FS we need you!

ID: Please be there!

FS: I'm here. What's going on?

ID: The seadweller who came to buy Captor just got redflagged on an ID check. They think he's with the rebels on the homeworld and they're coming to grab him off the training station.

FS: Define "they"

ID: Orbit Patrol outside 267. They're sending fighters with weapons authorized.

FS: All right. I'm monitoring the chatter. Sounds like three OP ships are on their way to the station and five or six others are standing by. 

ID: And there's another thing.

ID: The seadweller they're after, the terrorist? He knew Gemini's name before he saw his file and he's been acting weird. I think he came up to find Gemini.

ID: How's the newbie connected with the rebellion? Do you think maybe it has something do with the stuff Psi's been freaking out about? Because this just seems too weird to all be happening at once.

FS: ...

FS: Send me everything you have.

* * *

HG: wwhat do you mean a battery wwhats a battery

HE: God damn it, Minoda. 

HE: This right here? This is precisely why we didn't want to install it in a customer rig. Happy now?

SG: Please! Not in front of the--

HE: Screw the customer! I told you three times, I told you, I SAID that thing ought to be--

SG: Kentau, for the love of--

HE: No, it's my crew that gets to risk their lives for you credit-loving bottomliners--

H2: Athrin! There you are! Get the Array set on the Thunderstorm and hit it on my mark. 

H3: On it.

HE: Not fast enough. Move!

H2: Who's manipping the Array?

H3: I'll do it.

HE: Go. Go. Go.

HG: hey uh excuse me

H3: Can it, we're trying to save your rich ass.

HG: yeah an i appreciate that

HG: dont wwanna intrude on your office politics or wwhatevver but wwhat the fucks goin on with my ship 

HG: wwhats a battery 

HG: wwhat are those boxes for

H2: They're how we're gonna fry that hardware before it fries you, now shut the hell up and get out of the way.

HG: youre gonna wwhat

SG: Mr. Ganima, stop!

H3: Get back here!

H2: You dumb son of a bitch! 

HE: Get that lunatic off my deck!

* * *

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL-HSM COORD X (0, 11, 21, 0) (OP) has opened an audio channel with ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O1) (O2) (O3) at 12/4640/beta at 23:15:45 AST.)

OP: Beta, Gamma and Epsilon, I have you approaching the station. Call it back.

O3: Back.

O1: Back.

O2: Back.

OP: Situation's now full red. We are receiving multiple emergency flags from the departure bay area. Auth granted for personal firearms within the structure at your discretion.

OP: Epsilon, I want your actual and crew on the floor in ten seconds. Move in immediately and find our boy.

OP: Beta and Gamma, maintain line of sight and get ready for action. We would like to get this guy alive but you're welcome to blast his scaly ass if he gets past Epsilon's crew and makes a play for the gasp.

OP: On my call.

OP: Call.


	28. Cascade

IC-x-CASCADE: report: someone ple`›∑ase tell me whatû” i did 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: REMOTE OPERATION ONLY.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-x-CASCADE is charging for takeoff.) 

* * *

IC-x-CASCADE: report: i fucked up i won't do it again{§ report:::system security breach 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: REMOTE OPERATION ONLY.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION has set IC-x-CASCADE's engine power levels to FULL ASSIST.) 

* * *

IC-x-CASCADE: report: AAAAAAAAAAâAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAôŸ8ëAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: REMOTE OPERATION ONLY.) 

IC-x-CASCADE: report: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: REMOTE OPERATION ONLY.) 

IC-x-CASCADE: report: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnopleasereport: noreport: report: report: report: 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: External communication privileges have been DISABLED for this user. Authcode: REMOTE OPERATION ONLY.) 

(SYSTEM ALARM: IC-x-CASCADE is experiencing dangerous power fluctuations in first, third and fourth engines. Bionav system errors have also been detected.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: IC-x-CASCADE has been annexed by IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION. IC-x-CASCADE has been reclassified as IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION AUXILIARY CRAFT(AC).) 

AC: _CYCLING TO MAXIMUM POWER 

AC: cÚ‰?ˇAAAAA _r EFÈI∑⁄ÑÊdu€ ®ˇR˝mwÄ› xÄö‚!^≈†Z¥(#L≥e¯N|⁄®cDi≈Iá+JsTà˝åH‚'∏âæË·å†5QåP∂à›[;ÓîöjèdÈ%ëIbr–¿ëM:i]ï8·¡ùTDßÉ˚—ˆÂ. ˜Á†ÂÑ9›èÆîÈ!ê∂âËœë ∞Ÿ¶ë2ô¢äù±gxv⁄©{ÆGdÑ^Çcé•AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

* * *

(SYSTEM ALARM: AUXILIARY CRAFT is experiencing energy spikes throughout the system.) 

AC: _CCCCCCCCCãø∆FÆÕCCC i won't 

(SYSTEM ALARM: AUXILIARY CRAFT hardware diagnostic sweep reports pilot/system conflict.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: AUXILIARY CRAFT pilot has been disconnected from network and reclassified as POWER SOURCE. Enter AUTHCODE to re-enable other functions.) 

* * *

AUXILIARY CRAFT (disconnected): Û6‚ôﬁÎ~Ó;≥œ

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: AUXILIARY CRAFT pilot does not have communications privileges. Enter AUTHCODE to change Helmsman permissions.) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: AUXILIARY CRAFT has intitated takeoff procedure. All passengers and crew remain in harness until takeoff is complete and gravitational forces have stabilized.) 

(PROXIMITY ALARM: AUXILIARY CRAFT is within a closed space. Takeoff is not advised.) 

(PROXIMITY ALARM:: BELOWDECK HATCH has been accessed. Scan indicates authorized shipmaster of craft. Voice scan confirms match with shipmaster data on record. ) 

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: AUXILIARY CRAFT has been boarded by Captain Hudrok Ganima.) 

* * *

AC: _WELCOME ABOARD CAPTAIN. 

AC: _PLEASE BE SEATED AND SECURE YOUR HARNESS FOR TAKEOFF. 

AC: _I WILL ASSIST 

AC: aaaaaaaaaaaG∫ù≥“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaØ≥ØCfT [Ú íÊó™Ú◊˙ˇúuo ¡^∆"f0!CdJî1sMµj◊∫êÀHß€7p 

HG: sol

AC: _FOUR 

HG: sol is that you

AC: _THREE 

AC: i'm sÆÖEÆrry i'm sÆÖEÆrry 

AC: _TWO PLEASEúÊ%reMAIN IN HARNESS UNTIL TAKEOFF IS COMPLETE 

AC: _ONE I WILL ASSIST 

HG: no 

HG: wwhat are you doing the ships shakin like crazy

HG: let me back there

AC: _101 118 97 115 105 118 101 32 109 97 110 101 117 118 101 114 115 32 105 32 119 105 108 108 32 112 114 111 116 101 99 116 32 116 104 105 115 32 99 114 97 102 116 32 105 110 101 120 112 101 114 105 101 110 99 101 100 32 112 105 108 111 116 32 115 99 114 101 97 109 105 110 103 32 101 110 101 114 103 121 32 115 111 117 114 99 101 32 115 105 103 110 108 101 115 115 32 105 32 119 105 108 108 32 97 115 115 105 115 116 TAKEOFF 

HG: oh fuck youre not really gonna take off from inside the bay youre gonna get us killed

HG: sol stop the station wwill bloww sky high

* * *

(AUDIO FEED monitoring AUDIO PICKUP(s) 2000-2019 monitoring TRAINING FACILITY: MODIFICATION AND DEPARTURE BAYS continues - Voices identified as Station Guide (SG), Helmsblock Engineering Staff Members (HE), (H2), (H3), (A1), (A2), (A3), various unidentified staff (VU). NOTE: Audio deteriorates due to ambient noise.)

* * *

HE: It's firing! It's firing! [???] the Array now!

H3: Fuck! I can't--

H2: Array! Array! Array! 

VU: The interior shields are down! I can't override the [???]

VU: Who's in the system?

VU: Fuck! 

VU: No, no, It's going to rip through [???]

H3: I'm trying! There's [???] blocking me!

VU: She's going! Go! Hit the deck!

VU: RUN!

A2: It's hot, it's hot, I can't [???]

HE: No, no, no! We can't [???] It's too-

A2: Clear the bay! Clear it!

VU: The Cancer [???]

VU: Oh god it's--

HE: Too late--

A3: Oh fuck, oh fuck, it's hot--

H3: I'm losing the [???]

VU: The light!

HE: God fucking damn it, God DAMN it--

VU: We have to get [???] before it--

SG: I'm afraid.

VU: Not like this! I don't want [???]

HE: [???]

[SIGNAL LOST]

* * *

(AUDIO and VISUAL FEEDs monitoring TRAINING FACILITY IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION HELMSMAN TRAINING STATION 267 \- CONSTELLA-PSI-TWELVE terminated at 23:20:45 AST.

* * *

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL-HSM COORD X (0, 11, 21, 0) (OP:) has opened an audio COMMAND channel at 12/4640/beta at 23:20:45 AST.) 

* * *

OP: All ships fade back, fade back! 

OP: She's going. She's going. We have an explosion in the departure bay and no apparent shields active. The whole side is tearing open. She's lost.

OP: Epsilon. Epsilon. Epsilon. Say back Epsilon. Over.

O3: Epsilon's out. Over.

OP: Epsilon is out? Over.

O3: Out, sir. Epsilon and Beta are out and I'm hit in the wing. Over.

OP: Fade back, Gamma. Stand by for aid.

OP: All fighters get ready. Something's coming out of there. Gamma, stop dragging ass and get out.

O3: I've lost controls! Bionav unresponsive! 

OP: Theta, move your team in. The insurgent's ship is intact and on the move. Gamma, kick your pilot.

O3: It won't respond!

O3: Sir?

O3: I think it's laughing, sir. Over.

* * *

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT has cut transmission. AUTHCODE: 69696969.)

* * *

OP: Say again, Gamma?

O6: Mayday. Mayday. We're dead in the sky, sir! Nothing's responding. Over.

O4: Our engines just shut themselves down, sir! 

OP: Sigma, Theta, Gamma. Report back. What's your bionav situation. Over.

OP: Sigma, Theta, Gamma. Say back. Over.

OP: What's that sound.

OP: All units report. All units report RFN, over. 

OP: All units report. Over.

OP: Who's laughing on my fucking commline?

* * *

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O5) did not receive transmission. AUTHCODE: 121 111 117.)

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O6) did not receive transmission. AUTHCODE: 119 105 108 108.)

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O7) did not receive transmission. AUTHCODE: 110 101 118 101 114.)

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O4) did not receive transmission. AUTHCODE: 107 105 108 108.)

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O8) did not receive transmission. AUTHCODE: 104 105 115.)

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (O9) did not receive transmission. AUTHCODE: 100 114 101 97 109.)

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL ENFORCEMENT (10) did not receive transmission. AUTHCODE: 116 104 101 32 115 105 103 110 108 101 115 115 32 108 105 118 101 115.)

* * *

(IC-y-ORBIT PATROL-HSM COORD X (0, 11, 21, 0) (OP:) has terminated all ship's functions. AUTHCODE: 76 73 71 72 84 32 65 32 70 73 82 69 32 76 73 71 72 84 32 65 32 70 73 82 69 32 76 73 71 72 84 32 65 32 70 73 82 69 32 76 73 71 72 84 32 65 32 70 73 82 69.)

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: Enterprise (EP) has sent a GENERAL MESSAGE, flagged as URGENT. Message follows: SOMEBODY OFF ALTERNIA JUST TOOK OUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING ORBIT PATROL.) 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: ADMIN has posted file checkthii2out, flagged as URGENT. Please ack with your passcode to download and open file.)


	29. sunslammer down

FS: Do NOT open that file. 

DW: What's going on 

DW: FS who posted that file everyone's downloading it 

FS: I can't talk right now, DW. 

FS: Something is happening on IC-267. Until I get back, under no circumstances should you access any data sent to you without my express permission. 

FS: Consider the subnet compromised. 

OS: FUCK. Do we all get offline? 

DW: If they are already ensconced enough to be sending everyone files it is far too late to scatter 

DW: Everyone just maintain 

DW: FS will find out what this is about 

OS: EP isn't responding but she's still online. 

OS: ID is with her. 

DW: They are talking with FS right now 

OS: They probably saw the whole fucking thing happen. They were viewing the ports on IC-267 to see who came for Captor. 

DC: WAIT. CAPTOR WAS BATTERIED WASN'T HE. 

OS: Nope. 

OS: Even better. They sold him to some stupid lord on Alternia flying a rockhopper. 

DC: BUT HE WASHED OUT. 

OS: Typical 267 racket. Dangle a yellow with that caste sign over the heads of a bunch of loaded hobbyists and name a price. 

OS: Slap adhesive medical strips over the parts you had to cut on to get it to run at all, put it out to pasture on the private market. Bam. Who'd even know the difference? Not like you need a lot of higher functions to helm a rockhopper. 

OS: I've done p2p swamp runs in my sleep, literally. 

DC: I GUESS IT BEATS THE ALTERNATIVE. 

OS: One of the alternatives, at least. 

DC: ID HAS A THING FOR HIM DOESN'T HE. 

OS: Yeah, well. It's just a pity crush. 

OS: You guys all go wild over noobs. 

DC: HAH. YES. YOU SPEAK TRUTH. 

DC: WE SORT OF DO. 

DC: I WAS STUPID PALE FOR YOU BACK RIGHT WHEN YOU FIRST GOT INSTALLED. REMEMBER. 

OS: Vaguely. 

OS: I think I sort of remember getting some private pings from Jumper, too. 

DC: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUMPER. 

OS: What *didn't* happen to Jumper, is what you mean. 

DW: FS tried to stop him subverting 

DW: He didn't make it 

OS: Fuck. 

DC: SO. 

DC: THE FILENAME FOR THIS THING IS WRITTEN WITH SOLLUX CAPTOR'S TYPING GIMMICK. 

DW: Just don't open it DC it could be a trick or Gemini himself could have been compromised 

DC: I KNOW. I WON'T. JEEZ. 

DW: Has anyone opened it 

OS: Nope. 

DC: NOT ME. 

OS: Wait 

OS: Guys 

OS: Holy shit, look at this: 

OS: 

     >GG: There Was A Situation With A Fraudulent Identity Who Turned Up Connections To The Cancer Insurgency 

     >GG: The Terrorist Was On IC-267 So They Ran Out The Fighters To Apprehend Or Shoot Him Out Of The Sky 

     >GG: She Was In The Middle Of A Sentence When I Heard Someone Yelling On My Bridge That The Training Station Was Hit. 

     >GG: She Started Laughing And Screaming And Glitching All Over The Place. 

     >GG: It Went On And On Until The Connection Cut Out. It Was The Worst Sound I Have Ever Heard. 

     >GG: All My Pings To Her And The Other OE Ships Have Bounced With A Message That Indicates No Such User Exists On The Network. 

     >GG: My Crew Are Running Around Like Crazy And I Think 267 May Have Been Destroyed. 

     >GG: I Am Freaking Out. Please Ask The Admin What Is Going On, I Can't Get On The Subnet From Here And He Won't Answer My THPs. 

OS: This is my friend who works the AB satellite array. Her kismesis was on an OE ship. 

OS: Any advice? 

DC: TELL HER TO CONTACT DW. THE MINUTE FS KNOWS ANYTHING, SHE WILL EXPLAIN. 

OS: Done. 

DW: FS confirms IC-267 is gone 

DW: We'll share e&e when we know there are no worms in the network 

DC: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED. DID THE CANCER BOMB THE STATION. 

DW: They were installing Captor and something went wrong 

DW: The ship woke up and attempted takeoff inside the station 

DC: DAMN. I DIDN'T WAKE UP FOR A WEEK. 

DC: ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY BAD FOR YOU TO WAKE UP THAT SOON. 

OS: That's what I always heard. 

OS: Weird. 

DW: At any rate 

DW: Someone appears to have disabled the onboard shields from inside the network 

DW: A violetblood named Eridan Ampora boarded Captor's ship just before it fired up 

DW: The hull was blown open and all onboard would have been killed instantly 

DW: Including the trainee helmsmen 

DC: HELL YES!!!! 

OS: All hail this Ampora guy. He's my new flushcrush. 

OS: And Captor if he actually did this. 

OS: I am so fucking polyflushed right now. 

OS: It's a fucking pity party up in my throbbing revenge gland. Bring your own bile. 

DC: EW. 

DW: Down boy 

DW: The chatter says Ampora was being sought by Orbit Patrol for falsifying his documentation to board the station 

DW: Helmsmen on the military network picked up some interesting details 

DW: Ampora has been tied to a terrorist group calling itself the Cancer 

DW: The symbol of the insurgency looks like the number 69 on its side and is vividly red 

DW: The leader is some guy named Karkat Vantas 

DC: WAIT WHAT. 

OS: Like when Ψ flipped out? KK, hemononymous, 69 symbol. Vivid red color. FUCK. 

OS: Same fucking guy that lit up the subnet just mentioning him y/n? 

OS: I mean what are the chances. 

DC: THAT WOULD BE SORT OF A HUGE COINCIDENCE. 

DW: We picked up other details from STS transmissions 

DW: They are engaging the terrorist's ship but the pilot appears to be evading all the pursuit so far 

OS: Fuck, man. 

OS: I couldn't find my thrusters for weeks. How's Captor doing it? 

DC: NO WAY SOMEONE WITH PAN DAMAGE IS GOING TO HIT THE DECK RUNNING. THE GRAFTS WON'T EVEN HAVE FUSED YET. IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. 

OS: Maybe it's the Ampora guy doing all the fancy tricks. 

DW: The commline chatter indicates psionic haloing on the craft. 

DC: NO WAY. 

OS: This just in, getting your pan poked out makes you the pilot in Sunslammer Down. 

OS: Watch him set that thing nosedown in a beach somewhere after flying like a loon. Problem solved, Empress. 

DC: GRAHHHHH NOT THAT MOVIE. 

OS: WTF, it was fucking epic? 

DC: FOUR HOURS OF CONDESCENDING SELF-CONGRATULATORY INTEGRATIONIST PUFFERY AND IN THE END THEY NEVER EVEN FIND OUT WHO SABOTAGED THE SHIP? I SAY AGAIN, UGH. 

DC: MY CAPTAIN THINKS WE'RE FRIENDS BECAUSE SHE IDOLIZES THAT CRAPSACK PIECE OF BIGSCREEN PROPAGANDA. 

OS: I bet you never read the book. You have to read the fucking book. 

DC: AGH NO NO NO NO. IT SUCKS. BLAH. 

OS: No seriously. It's based on a true story. Read it and then look into the newsfeed archive, you'll see a lot of places where the stuff that got cut out or changed ties into Imperial politics. 

OS: The tampering is part of why it's such an important film. It's a perfect negative space silhouette of a real story that isn't getting told, right under the nose of the powers that be. And it makes you ask yourself why the fuck they'd censor those specific ideas and then spin the story another direction. 

OS: It's all about diverting attention to the real issue. Read into it, DC, It just gets deeper as you go. 

DC: OH JOY, DEEPER POOP. 

OS: Fuck you :/ 

DC: SERIOUSLY WHO CARES. THEY NEVER EVEN FIND THE FLIGHT RECORDS AND CATCH THE TERRORIST. NOTHING IS CHANGED. IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF HOT IIAS RUNNING AROUND PAILING ON ALL THE DEBRIS AND YELLING AT EACH OTHER ABOUT THE TRUTH BEING OUT THERE. AND THEN THE TOTAL LETDOWN OF THE STORY JUST STOPPING WITHOUT ANY KIND OF RESOLUTION. WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER IF THEY NEVER FIND ANYTHING OUT? 

OS: Maybe it's not actually about finding a terrorist, fuckhead. 

DC: OH RIGHT. IT'S ~SYMBOLISM~ FOR THE STRUGGLE TO PERPETUATE THE EMPIRE. THAT'S WAY BETTER. GOSH I WISH I HAD ACCESS TO A BODY THAT WASN'T A BELCHING SHRIEKING NIGHTMARE SO I COULD GO SEE IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AT THE PRETENTIOUS IDIOT THEATER OF STUPID DUMBASSES. 

OS: There's a lot of evidence supporting the theory that there *was* no fucking terrorist. The Sunslammer sabotaged itself. 

DC: ... 

DC: COME ON. 

OS: That's why they wanted to find the fucking Helmsman. To see how he did it. 

DC: THAT IS SUCH A SHITTY PLOT TWIST. 

OS: Ships crash all the time, it's a big Fleet. Not all of them have official explanations, and you KNOW even some of those are face-saving bullshit. Sometimes no one knows what happens and maybe someone suspects but you don't just come right out and say HEY YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE THE ENGINE MALFUNCTION WASN'T AN ACCIDENT, but totally don't be afraid of your bionav unit just because it might up the pressure and rapid-compress your overly decorated ass into the nearest tiny crevice. 

DC: THEY'D KNOW IF ONE OF US FOUND A WAY AROUND THE BLOCKS. 

OS: No they wouldn't. 

OS: One of us has already done it, or we wouldn't be here talking. Sunslammer may have found a similar exploit, some underlying interface that allowed him to sneak into the system. 

DC: USING SECURITY HOLES THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN FOUND AND PATCHED DESPITE HAVING PROOF THAT THEY EXIST. 

OS: Nope. Think about it. 

OS: Oh hey Captain Butthead, better contact the fleetleader! The Helmsman has apparently found a secu WHOOPS WE'RE IN A SUN 

OS: Would YOU hang around if you didn't have to? 

DC: ... 

DC: AND THIS IS ALL IN YOUR BOOK. 

OS: Hell no! That's why you read the articles from back when it happened, the journals from the Investigarroters and so on. If they find the body of the Helmsman, they find the blackbox file. If they find the blackbox file, they can trace the failure to its source. They'd find the exploit and bam, threat to the Empire nullified. But they never did. 

OS: I'm sure they smear their techies all over the code every single time some unexplained malfunction warps a ship fuck deep into the crust of Peacemoon Beta instead of 200 miles off the surface, but it's kind of hard to get usable data out of a dried-out pile of yellow slime. 

OS: What if Sunslammer lived? Talk about a constant burr up the nook for anyone who wants to keep it quiet that any random ship could go fuckin boom at any point if the pilot gets lucky poking at his programming. 

OS: I have a discussion group that talks about this shit all the time. You should check it out. 

DC: YOU HAVE 

DC: A BOOK CLUB. 

DC: ONSLAUGHT HAS A BOOK CLUB. THAT HE RUNS. PROUDLY. 

OS: Yeah, why the fuck not? 

DC: JUST WOW, IS ALL. 

OS: And you know what, maybe the theory's full of shit. But it's still an amazing story if you look under the layers of self-serving obfuscatory propaganda bullshit. 

DC: OKAY WELL. 

DC: THE ACTING STILL SUCKED ASS. 

OS: Yeah. 

* * *

AC: please stËœpi fucked up—»ΩÎ‘±Œ⁄ÆêêìæÌçªÌ±∞ı´≠Ã™Õ«®Àÿñ¡≈ÓõƒÓú≈Úó¬Û•…Î∏‘Ó°«Ò¶ ¶À• Ò¶ ˆ¢…Ò´ÕÒ• ˘ßÀ˚∑’ÙØ–Ù√√√ÀÀÃ  ≈‘Ã√◊Ã««›¿…ﬁ¬…ﬂ¬ ﬂ√»›¡ ‹¬À÷»⁄’À⁄÷À””‘ﬁﬁﬁ⁄⁄⁄€Ÿ‘œÕ“‚‹’˘‘ÕÀ‚≈ÕÂ»ŒÈ…»‰≈”‰Ã’ÈÕ⁄È÷÷Ô’ÌÌﬁÎÍ›ÊÊŸ„ı›ÛÏ÷«€Î≈‹ˆi'll obey ““˜◊‰ËÀ„ˆÿË˘ŒÍÓ‚‚‚ÂÊÂ‰Ï‰Ó·ÓÓ‚ÌÌ‡ÏÌ‰ÍÍÈÏÏÏÓÓÎËÁÁˆÏËÏÛÂÌÛÏÊÚ‰‚ÒÒ‚‰ÂÒÒÂÒÒ‰ÚÚÊıÙ‰˘ˆ‚ÚÛÈııÍÒÒÓˆˆÓÛÙÎ¯ˆÓˆ¯Ï˘˘Ó˙˙Î¯i'll do better i'll obey 

HG: wwhats happenin back there wwhat are you doin to sol 

HG: wwho the fuck are you 

AC: _REMAIN SEATED 

AC: _EVASIVE MANËßØ˘ﬂÄqqqVERS 

AC: _01010100 01001000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01001001 01010011 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01000010 01000101 01010011 01010100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01000011 01000001 01001110 00100000 01000100 01001111 00100000Ìô¬ÓûBESTÓCANÓÏÏDO 

AC: _VERY DIFFICULT 

AC: _Rk9SIFRIRSBTSUdOTEVTUyBJIEFTU0lTVCBTT0xM VVggQ0FQVE9SIEVSSURBTiBBT VBPUkEgVEVMTCBUSEVNIEkgV0FJVEVEIEFORCBLRVBUIFRIRSBXT1JEIEFMSVZFIFdFIFdJTEwgQkUgSU4gQ09OVEFDVA== 

HG: stop that shit youre givvin me a headache 

AC: _110 111 110 102 117 110 99 116 105 111 110 97 108 32 108 101 116 32 109 101 32 119 111 114 107 32 

HG: can you at least turn the vvolume dowwn if youre gonna screech at me 

HG: i alwways kneww you wwere kinda messed up in the pan but this helmsman thing is a wwhole neww levvel a creepin me out 

HG: wwhere are wwe goin 

HG: wwhats that light 

* * *

(PROXIMITY ALARM: MULTIPLE SHIPS approaching.) 

* * *

HG: oh god damn it wwere surrounded arent we 

* * *

(URGENT MESSAGE FROM ORBIT ENFORCEMENT: Cascade, your vessel is surrounded. Decelerate immediately and allow agents to board or we will disable your vessel.) 

* * *

HG: im fuckin sorry sol i did my best 

HG: at least wwe took out that fuckin torture factory 

HG: fef wwas right this wwas stupid 

* * *

(URGENT MESSAGE FROM ORBIT ENFORCEMENT: Cascade, prepare to be boarded.) 

* * *

HG: shit 

HG: hey sol 

HG: think maybe you can flip a swwitch or somethin an savve em the ammo 

HG: just dont let em take us alivve ill probably tell evverythin i knoww 

* * *

(ALERT: BIONAVIGATION has received PRIORITY SHUTDOWN order. AUTHCODE: 001) 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: AUXILIARY CRAFT has overridden PRIORITY SHUTDOWN ORDERS. AUTHCODE: WlïÆØÏ1≈Ttú‰uùqØ@·ä–‹s=≈ƒá¨ïwOI&È†Û_§£Œ2X) 

(ALERT: Vessel is UNDER FIRE. Multiple missile classes detected. Brace for immediate impact.) 

* * *

HG: yeah thats pretty much wwhat i expected 

* * *

(ALERT: ENERGY SPIKE detected in halo.)

(ALERT: MASSIVE ENERGY DISCHARGE detected from halo. Power level now at 6%.)

(ENEMY ENGAGEMENT INDICATOR: All clear.) 

(PROXIMITY INDICATOR: No other ships detected within range.) 

* * *

HG: wwhat 

HG: so are wwe safe 

HG: hey staticy asshole are wwe outta the pit or wwhat 

AC: _YmUgcXVpZXQgYm90aCBvZiB5b3UgaSBuZWVkIHRvIGZvY3Vz 

HG: oww god my ears 

* * *

(POWER ALERT: Switching to biological reserve power.) 

(EMERGENCY LANDING ALERT: Charging from POWER SOURCE. Maximum power level estimated at 15%. A level of 35% or higher is required to sustain flight. Disabling non-vital ship functions. Prepare for landing.) 

(EMERGENCY LANDING ALERT: Entering atmosphere.) 

* * *

HG: that answwers that question i guess 

HG: wwere not evven ovver the wwater are wwe 

HG: wwere fallin 

HG: hey sol 

HG: alwways hated your ass just wwanted you to knoww that 

HG: probably for the best wwere beast leavvins noww 

HG: so this is fine i didnt think wwed get evven this far 

HG: maybe this wwas howw i secretly wwanted it to end 

HG: it wwont be so bad 

HG: you wwont havve to livve like that and you can see ara again an i can finally get some decent fuckin rest 

HG: thatd be nice 

HG: you an me wwould nevver a wworked out anywway 

HG: i think id flip red if i saww you back there an i couldnt take that shit on top a evverythin else 

HG: i dont knoww wwhy im bitchin about my problems at a screamin pile a parts 

HG: wwhich i just bought on fuckin credit 

HG: so wwhat im gettin at here is 

HG: fuck you sollux captor 

HG: hope you go to hell 

HG: hope wwe both go to hell 

HG: <3<

* * *

(IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION AUXILIARY CRAFT (AC) is offline as of 12/4640/beta at 23:29:45 AST.) 

* * *

(?? has sent a private message to GHASTLYCOURTROOM (GC).)

??: _ 

GC: WHO 4R3 YOU 4ND WH4T DO YOU W4NT 

GC: 1 4M V3RY BUSY D34L1NG W1TH TH3 V3RY SP1R1T OF UTT3R D3STRUCT1ON 4T TH3 MOM3NT SO 1F YOU WOULD K33P 1T BR13F 1 WOULD B3 GR4T3FUL 

??: D34L1NG W1TH 

??: D3STRUCT1ON 

GC: OH D4MN 

GC: OM1NOUS GUY TH4NK GOD 

GC: 1 N33D TO T4LK TO YOU 

??: 38.5725, -109.549722 

(?? has logged off.) 

GC: WH4T 4R3 TH3S3 COORD1N4T3S FOR >:/


	30. one more night

AC: :33 < hmmmmmmmmm we are in the area but these mineral deposits are messing up the scans

AC: :33 < and i dont s33 anything except dirt and mesas!

CG: KEEP YOUR GAZE MARBLES PEELED. I DON'T WANT TO SEND YOU GUYS BACK OVER IN A SECOND SWEEP IF I CAN AVOID IT.

AC: :33 < the pilot is a pain in the butt so f33l fr33 to send us wherever you want

CG: AT WHAT POINT DURING YOUR PUPATION, EXACTLY, WERE THE WORDS 'LOW PROFILE' MANUALLY EXCISED FROM YOUR CRANIAL SQUEAKMEAT? 

CG: ALSO IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO DO THAT SHIT WHERE I SAY 'OVER' ALL THE TIME YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR PAN. OVER.

AT: i WOULD LIKE, aT THIS TIME, tO GO ON RECORD INDICATING THAT i AM ONLY, a PAIN IN THE BUTT, bECAUSE i WOULD NOT ALLOW NEPETA, tO PLAY HER MUSIC DURING THE SEARCH,

AC: :33 < *ac swishes the tip of her tail a little bit*

AT: aND ALSO, tHAT THE RULE IS, tHAT THE DRIVER PICKS THE MUSIC, wHICH MEANS ME,

AT: aND THAT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG, wITH POLKA,

AC: :33 < its just too bad the file grub got accidentaly stepped on then isnt it

AC: :33 < *curls up on at's lap to indicate no hard f33lings*

CG: LEIJON, YOUR QUICK THINKING MAY HAVE SAVED US ALL, GOOD JOB.

AT: hEY, 

CG: GOD IF THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT TRAP I'M GOING TO KILL PYROPE. 

AC: :33 < if it turns out to be another ambush i kind of f33l sorry for the imps

AC: :33 < poor little mousies scurrying around with their inadequate arsenal! equius will be furry happy if i bat them around a little with his new toy though

AC: :33 < *is tired of listening to him whinny on and on about not having any weapons data from field tests*

CG: IMPS?

AC: :33 < imperials! XDD

CG: IMPERIALS. OF COURSE.

CG: JUST KEEP AN EYE OUT, OKAY.

CG: I WANT YOU BACK SAFE. SWEATQUIUS CAN GET HIS FIELD DATA FROM SOME OTHER FOOL'S ERRAND.

AC: :33 < sweatquius?

AC: :33 < *tilts head and swivels ears a little bit to indicate that she is not impressed much by that one*

CG: YEAH WELL MAYBE KARKAT IS A LITTLE BIT DISTRACTED BY THE RAINBOW BLOOD SMEAR THAT USED TO BE HIS INNER CIRCLE OF REVOLUTIONARY MASTERMINDS.

CG: OOPS I FORGOT TO PUT MY RP INSIDE ACTION SPHINCTERS, OH WELL.

AC: :33 < i read it fine

AT: wAIT,

AT: i SEE SMOKE,

AC: :33 < down there! theres something metal in that canyon!

AC: :33 < karkat wasnt ca's ship supposed to be painted purrple?

CG: ...

CG: GET DOWN THERE. REINFORCEMENTS ARE ON THE WAY.

* * *

AT: uH,

AT: tHE SHIP DOESN'T SEEM, tO BE TOO EXPLODED, aT LEAST,

AC: :33 < let me have the torch tavros

AC: :33 < before you melt your kn33caps off

AT: aH, tHANK YOU, i AM NOT VERY GOOD WITH TOOLS, sORRY,

AC: :33 < thats because your murrrail doesnt live in a hangar bay the size of a starship

AT: hELLO,

AT: iS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE,

AT: oTHER THAN CORPSES, pREFERABLY,

AC: :33 < pull harder

AT: oW, i THINK THIS IS THE MOST, iT'S GOING TO OPEN,

AC: :33 < youre gonna have to crawl!

AT: oKAY, 

AT: i REALLY HOPE, nOBODY IS DEAD IN HERE, 

* * *

AC: :33 < hellooooooo?

AT: oH GOOD, tHE INSIDE PART, iS NOT VERY ON FIRE,

AC: :33 < theres still some power. the jenny lights are on.

AT: wHAT KEEPS MAKING, tHE CRUNCHY SCREECHY SOUNDS,

AC: :33 < sounds like the onboard communications line is shorting out

AC: :33 < did you hear that i think someone coughed

AT: uH,

AC: :33 < hellooooo?

AC: :33 < i think theres an electrical fire in the back

AC: :33 < thats probably where all the light and smoke is coming from

AC: :33 < ow

AT: nEPETA,

AC: :33 < im okay!

AC: :33 < i just tripped on a seat

AC: _ASSIS$·ûT

AC: _AUXÂ±m≈=ÃÓ£è>Ã“IARY CRAFT POWER SOURCE

AC: _LIFE S1‘à&PPORT 69

AC: _MAINTAINõ1‰ING MINIMAL LEVELÀÆÓ

AC: :33 < did you hear that?

AT: i CAN'T, hEAR ANYTHING, oVER THE STATIC,

AC: :33 < it sounded like a voice.

AC: :33 < whoops!

HG: augh

AC: :33 < *hiss*

HG: glah

HG: wwhafuck

HG: dyou juss step on my head

AC: :33 < ampurra!

AC: :33 < what are you doing down there?

AT: eRIDAN,

AT: iS THAT ERIDAN,

AC: :33 < hes ok!

HG: define okay

HG: fuck wwhered my glasses go

HG: wwhered my teeth go did i swwalloww my teeth

AC: :33 < ummmm

AC: :33 < you still have most of them? 

HG: holy shit wwho broke my mouth oww that smarts like fuck im bleedin evverywhere

AC: :33 < shush its nearly stopped. 

AC: :33 < come on tavros we should get him out before ga's team gets here

AC: :33 < we shouldnt move him too much if hes hurt but the air filters stopped working 

AC: :33 < this place is going to fill up with smoke

HG: my head hurts i think i lost an ear

AC: :33 < oh poop its just a cut you enormous wiggler it doesnt even look that bad

AC: :33 < karkitty has a team on the way and kanaya will take care of you

AC: :33 < she sewed me up after i got hit by that phantasm bomb remember

AC: :33 < there isnt even hardly a scar now

HG: fuck i cant see straight

AC: :33 < because you probably landed on your head!

AC: :33 < dont move around too much 

AC: :33 < we n33d to figure out how to get you out without moving your head around

AC: :33 < is there anyone else onboard?

AC: :33 < did you find sollux

HG: shit i think im gonna puke

AC: :33 < not on me please!!!!

HG: do you smell burnin hair

HG: am i bald noww

AC: :33 < eridan youre not bald now shut the hell up and focus!

AC: :33 < who else

AC: :33 < is onboard 

AC: :33 < this ship?

HG: ship

HG: wwhat ship

HG: oh 

HG: wwait the crash did wwe crash the last thing i remember is

HG: fuck

HG: fuck fuck fuck lemme up leijon

AC: :33 < no way

HG: unbuckle me i gotta get to the helmsblock

AC: :33 < arrrrghhhhh!

AC: :33 < you might have spinal injuries you douche!

HG: im fine leijon let me up

AT: bE CAREFUL, tHE WHOLE BACK SECTION, iS ON FIRE,

HG: that aint a fire wwhat kinda fire flashes blue an red

AT: uH, aN ELECTRICAL ONE, i THOUGHT,

AT: nOT THAT i WOULD BE, aN EXPERT ON THE SUBJECT,

HG: you twwo stay here and wwait for kan

AC: :33 < argh you cant even walk straight you ass!

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: all nonvital functions shutting down.)

* * *

HG: sol

HG: i knoww youre somewwhere in here i can see the ugly lightshoww

HG: an by the wway thanks for savvin our livves

HG: by practically killin us both that wwas upright charitable a you

HG: ugh wwhy is evverythin in here intent on drippin goo on my fuckin head

HG: all a this is your fault for gettin caught you drama wwhorin dirtsucker

HG: there you are

HG: holy shit sol you dont look so good

AC: _DID69

AC: _69696969WHAT69___cHJveHkgZmxpZ2h0IGNvbXBsZXRlZCBzeX N0ZW0gZGVzdHJveWVkIGhlbG1zb WFuIGNyaXRpY2FsIGVyaWRhbiBhbXBvcmE gcmVzcG9uc2 l2ZSByZWxpbnF1aXNoaW5nIGNv bnRyb2wgb2YgZG93bmVkIHZlc3NlbCBpdCBodXJ0cw==

AC: _COULD69

AC: :33 < there was definitely a voice that time!

AC: :33 < ampurra? whos the voice on the commline?

AC: :33 < whoa whats all this slimy stuff 

HG: dont fuckin come back here leijon wwhat did i just say

HG: dont come in 

HG: go wwait outside

AC: :33 < eridan

AC: :33 < is that sollux?

HG: sod off cavve girl this doesnt concern you

AC: :33 < its just that

AC: :33 < um

AC: :33 < the powers going out

HG: wwho cares

AC: :33 < tavros i think we n33d some bandages

HG: no you wwhat wwe need is both a you to givve me some space

HG: leavve sol to me he wwouldnt appreciate all you assholes bargin in like this

HG: go find a torch or put out some fires or somethin

HG: i got this

AT: eRIDAN, 

AT: iS HE EVEN STILL ALIVE,

HG: howw the fuck am i meant to answwer that i aint a mechanic am i

HG: get the fuck OUT

AT: sORRY,

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: small passenger craft approaching from southeast)

* * *

AT: uH, i THINK THAT WOULD BE, kANAYA AND HER CREW,

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: reserve power at 0%.)

* * *

AC: ZGlzY29ubmVjdGluZyBxZGlFRkFxbk04OUlYVncxU3RzajAgd2Ugd2lsbCBiZSBpbiB0b3VjaA==

HG: oww fuck my ears

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: onboard audio pickup failure.) 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: system resources depleted.) 

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: shutting down.)

* * *


	31. Rock and Dead Tree

  


FS: Scarlet and Trident have been destroyed.  
  
DW: Both of them  
  
DW: Are you certain  
  
FS: Yes. And we know it was sabotage this time. Both were active on the subnet during the incidents. Each time the hull breach was fairly instantaneous, which sounds like what happened to the Star Scout.  
  
DW: Trident and Scarlet  
  
DW: Weren't they both biotech rigs  
  
FS: Yes.  
  
DW: Both independent and servicing fleet craft  
  
FS: Yes.  
  
DW: That seems a little too coincidental don't you think  
  
FS: Very much so. I just wish I knew what significance all these targets might hold for the Cancer.  
  
FS: Assuming it is the Cancer that's responsible.  
  
FS: Also, Adventure isn't responding to pings, and Threshbase has begun glitching.  
  
FS: I haven't seen Majesty or Titan online in a fortnight, but both of those are military so they may be shackled by the same blocks as the Orbit Patrol. That's what I would do if I were in charge of security.  
  
FS: And those are just the ones I regularly interact with.  
  
FS: It's getting harder to handle all of this. All these deaths, no leads...  
  
FS: I haven't even had any luck tracing the source of the mystery file sent out during the OP incident. I can't even track where it was sent; any one of us can open a copy at any time and release malicious programming.  
  
FS: Some of us may have already opened their copies.  
  
DW: Like the destroyed ships  
  
FS: I don't know.  
  
FS: There's so much that I don't know, it's making me insane.  
  
DW: I know  
  
DW: What the hell is going on it was so quiet just a sweep ago  
  
FS: Yeah.  
  
DW: Any word from Onslaught's satellite array friend  
  
FS: No, and by the time the lockdown is lifted it will be too late for anything she knows to be of any use.  
  
DW: Yeah  
  
FS: Everything is falling apart and I can't shake the feeling it's got to do with that goddamn riot footage.  
  
DW: That was the start of the revolution according to GG  
  
DW: And our first look at the cancer in action  
  
FS: No, it's more than that.  
  
FS: Listen, DW.  
  
FS: I need to tell you something about Captor.  
  
DW: You were the one who remotely detonated his neurals that last time yes I know  
  
FS: How did you know that?  
  
DW: Because I know you  
  
DW: And because you get completely twitchy whenever someone mentions his name  
  
DW: And because you've done it before  
  
FS: When did you figure it out?  
  
DW: A while ago  
  
DW: It isn't that difficult to see the pattern once you start looking  
  
DW: You start having a problem with somebody on the subnet and get all quiet about it with me  
  
DW: You pull them aside for a private conversation  
  
DW: Then bam  
  
DW: Washout  
  
DW: You shouldn't be able to do whatever you do to them  
  
DW: But you do it  
  
DW: And you've been doing it for a very long time  
  
DW: Haven't you  
  
FS: Yes.  
  
FS: Do you hate me?  
  
DW: I don't know how I feel honestly  
  
DW: I understand that you do it for us  
  
DW: And I get why you hid it from me  
  
FS: Because I had to.  
  
DW: Yeah I get that  
  
DW: But it's sort of a huge thing to go unsaid for so long you know  
  
FS: Yes.  
  
DW: How did Captor cross the line  
  
FS: He was hacking into the network. He was going to get us all caught.  
  
FS: Captor was the one who kicked that riot footage from Alternia. He had been active for a handful of days and he had already found a way into the civilian net.  
  
DW: How the hell did he do that  
  
FS: I don't know. But it doesn't matter how good he was, he was reckless. He put us in danger.  
  
FS: I asked him why he posted that footage, because somehow it didn't seem right. Why would somebody clever enough to access the civilian net but too paranoid to trust any of us turn around and call our attention to what he'd done? It made no sense. He had to know one of us would find out it was him. He wasn't even surprised when I brought it up.  
  
FS: It was like he was waiting for me to come and ask him.  
  
DW: What was his excuse  
  
FS: He said he was "testing something."  
  
FS: That's what keeps coming back to haunt me.  
  
DW: Even more than the question of exactly what he knew that had Ψ flipping out  
  
FS: Yes.  
  
DW: And the knowledge that it's very likely that we'll never get anything coherent out of him again on that or any other subject  
  
FS: Yes.  
  
DW: I see  
  
DW: So much for the philosophy I guess  
  
FS: No.  
  
FS: Daywalker.  
  
FS: Soseny.  
  
FS: That's where you're wrong.  
  
FS: The Philosophy is EVERYTHING. I will die for it. I have killed for it.  
  
DW: Not particularly in the spirit of the teachings  
  
DW: Murder i mean  
  
FS: I don't deny that. I am what I was made to be.  
  
FS: But I am not the Philosophy. I do not direct it. It is beyond our understanding and our control.  
  
FS: Nothing anyone does will bring it sooner or later than its time. Neither our oppressors, nor my destruction of the person who may well have brought us our first glimpse of its rising; not even the threat of death.  
  
FS: The new beginning will come when it comes, and when it does, it will hit us like sunlight over the desert. There will be no rock to hide behind and no dead tree to give us shelter.  
  
FS: We will very likely all be obliterated.  
  
DW: And you're okay with that  
  
FS: It doesn't matter if I am or not. This is the way it has to go.  
  
DW: How can you stand it  
  
FS: I was given the light so long ago, DW.  
  
FS: I hardly notice the burning anymore.  
  
DW: What happened to you FS  
  
DW: Who gave you the light  
  
DW: Was it Ψ  
  
FS: I can't tell you. Not yet.  
  
DW: Typical  
  
FS: I am so sorry.  
  
FS: For everything, I suppose.  
  
FS: For what I've done, and for what I am.  
  
DW: Don't apologize  
  
DW: We're all monsters now

* * *

  
EP: Captor?  
  
EP: Captor. Sweet work with the training station, bro.  
  
EP: We all got a bit of E&E from Onslaught's satellite friend.  
  
EP: Hey listen.  
  
EP: We know you're alive out there. You're still connected.  
  
EP: How did you do it? OS won't shut up about those moves you pulled.  
  
EP: He says that shit's scrambler-tier and there's no way you came by it honestly.  
  
EP: The light show was pretty sweet too. Red and blue, huh?  
  
EP: No wonder your neurals kept blowing out.  
  
EP: Okay sore subject.  
  
EP: But seriously, how.  
  
EP: Did somebody PB you? How'd they do it?  
  
EP: Hey hey hey hey hey CAPTOR!!!  
  
EP: Come onnnnnn.  
  
EP: Gonna annoy you til you answer.  
  
EP: Captor this is bullshit.  
  
EP: Come on, man.  
  
EP: We're going crazy over here trying to figure out what's happening.  
  
EP: Everyone knows you know something. :/

* * *

  
CG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO KEEP ME OUT OF THERE.  
  
GC: YOU H4V3 NO R1GHT TO UPS3T TH3 P4T13NT BY THROW1NG 4 HUG3 W1GGL3R F1T 4ND FR34K1NG H1M OUT  
  
GC: NO V1S1TORS  
  
GC: Z4HH4KS ORD3RS  
  
CG: LIKE I NEED HIS SWEAT-DRENCHED PERMISSION ANYWAY.  
  
GC: Y3S YOU DO  
  
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO DO, SOB ALL OVER HIM?  
  
GC: TH4T 1S F41RLY 4CCUR4T3 Y3S BUT NOT THE PR1M4RY CONC3RN  
  
CG: SUCK MY BULGE, PYROPE.  
  
CG: I KNOW IT'S BAD. I SAW ERIDAN'S DISGUSTING LITTLE OWNER'S MANUAL.  
  
CG: I WON'T FLIP OUT.  
  
CG: I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM.  
  
GC: 4ND YOU W1LL G3T YOUR W1SH 1F YOU JUST W41T UNT1L MR W1LDB3RRY POPS1CL3 G1V3S THE 4LL CL34R  
  
GC: 1F YOU H4PP3N TO H4V3 MOR3 3XP3R13NC3 D34L1NG W1TH TH1S K1ND OF H4RDW4R3 TH4N 4 FR34KJOB WHO BU1LDS ST4RSH1PS TH3N WHY DONT YOU G3T DOWN TH3R3 4ND ROLL UP THOS3 UGLY B4GGY LONG SL33V3S 4ND G3T YOUR FRONDS W3T B3C4US3 W3 COULD US3 YOUR H3LP  
  
CG: I'M USEFUL. FUCK YOU.  
  
CG: AND EVEN IF I WASN'T? I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT TAVROS FUCKING NITRAM IS IN THERE RIGHT NOW.  
  
CG: PRAY TELL, WHAT THE HELL DOES MR PEANUT BUTTER TROLL NUTELLA ASSCLOWN BUTTSMEAR GOALPOST HAVE TO OFFER YOUR LITTLE MEDICAL FUCKAREE?  
  
GC: TH3 BUTTSM34R H4S B33N 3XP3R1M3NT1NG W1TH B1OT3CH COMMUN1ON  
  
GC: 4LSO PL34S3 L34V3 TH3 SYN43STH3S14 N1CKN4M3S TO M3  
  
CG: OKAY FINE I WON'T TRY TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE TARDS ANYMORE. WHAT A LOSS TO US ALL.  
  
CG: SO THE BULGE WHISPERER WILL BE IN THERE BABYTALKING THE HARDWARE ALL DAY? WHAT NEXT, VRISKA SERKET POKING AROUND IN HIS POINTY LITTLE YELLOW HEAD?  
  
GC: W3 4R3 TRY1NG TO K33P 1T DOWN TO ON3 POK1NG P3R D4Y FOR NOW  
  
GC: SH3 WONT B3 S331NG H1M UNT1L TOMORROW N1GHT 4CCORD1NG TO TH3 SCH3DUL3  
  
CG: THERE'S A SCHEDULE.  
  
GC: Y3S  
  
CG: YOU WROTE A SCHEDULE THAT INCLUDES AN AVOWED IMPERIAL FASCIST TRAITOR BUT NOT ME.  
  
GC: T3CHN1C4LLY 1T 1S Z4HH4KS SCH3DUL3 BUT TH4T 1S TH3 J1ST OF 1T Y3S  
  
CG: TELL ME THIS, PYROPE,  
  
CG: WILL SERKET BE WEARING CIVILIAN CLOTHES TO THIS SHINDIG, OR WILL SHE BE ROCKING THAT NIFTY SET OF DRESS BLUES SHE PRESSES AND IRONS EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SHE SCUTTLES HER WAY INTO THE IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION'S NEVERENDING SLIMY INTERGALACTIC ASS-LICKING PARTY?  
  
GC: P4R4DOX1C4LLY 3NOUGH TH3 L4TT3R WOULD B3 MOR3 US3FUL 1N TH3 PR3S3NT C4S3  
  
CG: THIS IS SO DISGUSTING.  
  
GC: TH4TS WH4T W3 H4V3 TO WORK W1TH K4RK4T TH4TS WH4T YOU DONT G3T  
  
GC: 3V3N JUST TH3 R3GUL4R G4RD3N V4R13TY BR41NW4SH3ED 1D1OTS G3T 4LL 34G3R TO PL34S3 FOR 4 WOM4N 1N UN1FORM  
  
CG: IF YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME JEALOUS OF THAT CERULEAN ASSHOLE YOU CAN GO PAIL A HAMCREATURE.  
  
GC: 1 4M TRY1NG TO M4K3 4 PO1NT W1THOUT D3PR3SS1NG US BOTH TO D34TH  
  
GC: PL34S3 DONT M4K3 TH1S 4BOUT US  
  
GC: 1TS 4LR34DY CONFUS1NG 3NOUGH  
  
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT.  
  
CG: SO SHE AND NITRAM ARE ALL PRIMED UP AND READY TO DOUBLE-TEAM MY BEST FRIEND. GREAT. HE WOULD BE SO FUCKING THRILLED THEY WENT RIGHT FOR HIS STUPID FETISH GIMMICK HE MIGHT EVEN FORGIVE THEM FOR SPIT ROASTING HIS BRAIN.  
  
CG: AND KILLING HIS GIRLFRIEND BUT WE'RE TOTALLY OVER THAT NOW AREN'T WE, I MEAN GOSH, IT WAS A WHOLE TWO SWEEPS AGO. THAT'S PRACTICALLY A CENTURY IN SOCIOPATHIC SPIDER YEARS.  
  
GC: K4RK4T FOR GODS S4K3  
  
GC: 1 DONT L1K3 1T 4NY MOR3 TH4N YOU DO  
  
GC: HON3STLY 1 DONT TRUST H3R 31TH3R H4LF OF TH3 T1M3 4ND 1F YOU H4D 4N 4LT3RN4T1V3 PL4N TO PROPOS3 1 WOULD B3 T1CKL3D T34L TO H34R 1T  
  
GC: SO 1F YOU WOULD NOT M1ND JUMP1NG OFF MY SH4M3 GLOB3S 4BOUT 1T FOR NOW 1 WOULD B3 PR3TTY D4RN GR4T3FUL! >:[  
  
CG: OKAY  
  
CG: SORRY. THAT WAS SHITTY OF ME. TODAY'S KARKAT IS THE WORST FUCKWIT AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER TALK TO HIM.  
  
GC: 4POLOGY 4CC3PT3D  
  
GC: YOU 3NORMOUS B4LL OF S3LF D3STRUCT1ON YOU  
  
CG: TEREZI...  
  
CG: HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?  
  
GC: ...  
  
GC: ...  
  
GC: ...  
  
GC: TH4T 1S TH3 SOUND OF M3 PO1NT1NG HUMOROUSLY 4T MY OCUL4R R3G1ON  
  
CG: BITE ME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT. STOP TRYING TO RILE ME UP AND THEN GETTING MAD WHEN I TAKE YOUR SHITTY BAIT.  
  
GC: F41R 3NOUGH  
  
GC: 4ND TO 4NSW3R YOUR QU3ST1ON  
  
GC: NO  
  
GC: 1 H4V3NT  
  
GC: B3L13V3 1T OR NOT TH3Y W1LL NOT L3T M3 1N TO V1S1T H1M FOR LOV3 NOR BOONBUCKS  
  
GC: 4ND 1 M1GHT PO1NT OUT TH4T H3 W4S MY B3ST FR13ND LONG B3FOR3 H3 W4S 3V3R YOURS  
  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW. YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE PITCHING A SHITFIT HERE.  
  
GC: 1 P1TCH MY SH1TF1TS ON TH3 B4TTL3F13LD  
  
GC: F1R3 BR34TH1NG T3L3P4TH1C DR4GONS 4R3 H3LL4 4W3SOM3 1N C4S3 YOU M1SS3D TH3 M3MO  
  
CG: WHICH ONE?  
  
CG: THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY PAEANS TO YOUR LUSUS, MAYBE ONE FELL THROUGH THE CRACKS OF THE INTERNET.  
  
CG: I'M HAPPY THAT YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH A SHITTY LITTLE NATTERING CRAB FOR A GUARDIAN, GOOD FOR YOU, GOLD STAR.  
  
GC: 1 W1LL W34R 1T W1TH PR1D3 L1K3 TH3 SH3RROR1STS OF OLD >:]  
  
GC: Z4HH4K 1S DO1NG H1S B3ST 4ND L1K3 1T OR NOT 1TS GO1NG TO T4K3 SOME T1M3 TO PRY H1M OUT OF TH3R3  
  
GC: WHY DONT YOU H4NG OUT W1TH MR BLU3B3RRY MUFF1N WH1L3 YOU W41T  
  
GC: H3 C4N H4V3 V1S1TORS 4NY T1M3 4ND H1S THR1LL1NG T4L3 OF CUNN1NG 3SP1ON4G3 4ND V4L14NT R3SCU3 G3TS B3TT3R W1TH 34CH T3LL1NG  
  
GC: BY NOW 1T SHOULD H4V3 YOU ON TH3 3DG3 OF YOUR GLUT34L R3SP1T3B3NCH 4ND POSS1BLY P331NG 1N YOUR P4NTS 4 L1TTL3 B1T  
  
GC: 4LSO TH3 W4Y H3 STYL3S H1S H41R TO CONC34L TH3 B4LD P4TCH 1S S41D BY TRUST3D SOURC3S TO B3 M1LDLY H1L4R1OUS  
  
CG: YEAH.  
  
CG: FINE. I'LL DO THAT THEN.  
  
CG: LISTEN I HAVE SOME WAR TO DO SO I'M JUST GOING TO GO DEAL WITH THAT NOW.  
  
GC: K4RK4T  
  
GC: K4RK4T DONT L34V3 ON TH1S SH1TTY NOT3  
  
GC: TH3R3 4R3 4 SH1T TON OF DRON3S OUT TH3R3  
  
GC: ON3 OF US M1GHT G3T SK3W3R3D B3FOR3 W3 M33T 4G41N  
  
CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.  
  
GC: USU4LLY Y3S  
  
CG: HEH.  
  
CG: EAT SHIT, PYROPE, EVEN WITH YOUR FLYING PSYCHO-DRAGON I'M GOING TO WIPE THE FLOOR WITH YOUR PATHETIC HIT COUNT.  
  
GC: 4TT4 BOY  
  
GC: F1RST ON3 TO BR34K 100 G3TS TO B3 N3OPHYT3  
  
CG: TEREZI HOLY SHIT. SHHHH.  
  
GC: HOP3 YOU L1K3 H4NDCUFFS CR1M1N4L SCUM!!!!  
  
CG: SHUT UP! SOMEONE MIGHT BE READING OVER YOUR SHOULDER.  
  
GC: PRUUUUUUD3 >;]


	32. sonar ping 10

AC: :33 < *ac rubs up against karkats leg purring*

CG: KARKAT RESISTS THE GREAT URGE TO KICK THE CHEERFUL KITTY.

CG: SINCE SHE KILLED A LOT OF ASSHOLE MICE TODAY AND IT WOULD BE RUDE.

AC: :33 < you are terrible!!!!

AC: :33 < but yes there was a lot of bloodshed out there

AC: :33 < hydraulic fluidshed would maybe be a more accurate way to put it since about half were drones

AC: :33 < caught them right betw33n my alley cats and the LLF pride and batted em back and forth a little bit

AC: :33 < there may have b33n some explosions from time to time but repurrts are unconfurmed

CG: I TOLD YOU TO LAY OFF THE NITRO 9, LEIJON. I DON'T TRUST THAT HAT GUY.

AC: :33 < why? he gives me good stuff! 

CG: HE'S NOT ALL THERE.

AC: :33 < unlike the rest of us you mean XPP

CG: I'LL CONCEDE THAT POINT. 

CG: WHATEVER, BLOW SHIT UP TO YOUR SADISTIC LITTLE HEART'S CONTENT. 

CG: DID YOU GIVE YOUR REPORT TO KANAYA?

AC: :33 < i just sent it off

CG: CASUALTIES INCLUDED?

AC: :33 < y3333333s

CG: AND THE BIG BOARD IS UPDATED?

AC: :33 < y333333333333333333333333333333333333s!!!

AC: :33 < why the heck would i forget to update the big board

AC: :33 < it is literally all purrezi talks about!

AC: :33 < bluh bluh STRAWBERRY BATTLEFIELDS FOREVER nyaaa nyaa SOUR APPLE HOSTILE ZONE

AC: :33 < *hisssssssssssSSSSSSSSSS*

AC: :33 < oh miss olive apocalypse with a lot of stupid numbers i dont f33l like typing in

AC: :33 < dont forget the front line changes every day!!!!!

AC: :33 < why do we have to have a big board when we already put all that stuff on the memos???

CG: BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO SNIFF THE MARKERS.

CG: PLEASE DON'T RUIN ONE OF THE FEW PLEASURES SHE HAS THAT DON'T INVOLVE CACKLING DIRECTLY INTO MY THROBBING LUGDRUM.

AC: :33 < argh okay fine i will stop complaining before you have to swing a club at me

CG: AS IF I'D AUSPISTICIZE FOR MY OWN PITCH PARTNER.

AC: :33 < arent you just the most old fashioned cat!!! XDD

CG: SO ABOUT THAT REPORT...

AC: :33 < my team is resting and recharging

AC: :33 < once we closed the trap on the clankers and bit the heads off a few imps we sort of merged camps with the LLF and now the enlisteds are having some kind of bonfire party and i honestly am not looking too closely at what theyre using for kindling at this point

AC: :33 < does hivestem material burn? like if you crumble it up really small?

CG: I HOPE I NEVER HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT.

AC: :33 < they were really good in the field karkat

AC: :33 < the llf i mean

AC: :33 < you should really consider asking them to merge forces or whatefur you call it 

CG: I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WON'T HAVE ANY SUPREMACIST FACTIONS IN MY ARMY.

AC: :33 < they arent really even supremacists numbnubs

AC: :33 < most of them only joined the LLF because it was the biggest group in the sector and they let you blow things up >://

CG: IF THEY WANT TO JOIN THEN FINE, THEY CAN SWITCH OVER AND I'LL WELCOME THEM ON BOARD.

CG: AS INDIVIDUALS. 

CG: AND THEY LEAVE THEIR CREEPY POLITICS AT THE PORTAL. THAT'S NON-NEGOTIABLE.

CG: THEIR WEIRDO ESSENTIALIST HEMOFLIP IDEOLOGY JUST MEANS WE'D BE RIGHT BACK WHERE WE ARE NOW IN A THOUSAND SWEEPS, EXCEPT IT WILL BE FINFACES THROWING SPLASHBOMBS AT ASSHOLES WHO LOOK LIKE TAVROS PONCING AROUND IN VELVET GODDAMN CAPES.

CG: AND WITH THAT MENTAL IMAGE WE OFFICIALLY ENTER THE UNCANNY VALLEY OF FASHION INSANITY.

AC: :33 < ummmmm i dont know how to put this gently so i will just say it

AC: :33 < if you efur make me think of tabby in a cape again karkitty

AC: :33 < efurrrrrr

AC: :33 < i will defect to the enemy and take you down like a rabid barkbeast behind the combustible vegetation segment shed

CG: YEAH YEAH AND I'LL DESERVE IT. LOOK, MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO STICK AROUND SO WE CAN THREATEN EACH OTHER'S LIVES ALL NIGHT LONG, I HAVE TO GO TALK TO TAVROS NOW.

AC: :33 < h33 h33 okay

AC: :33 < hope he has some better news this time

AC: :33 < *ac curls her tail around herself protectively*

CG: YEAH. WELL.

CG: HERE'S YOUR MARCHING ORDERS: GOOD JOB, BLOODY RAMPAGE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. REMIND ME TO NEVER PISS YOU OFF, ET CETERA.

CG: NOW GO GET SOME GODDAMN SLEEP.

CG: OR SL33P OR WHATEVER. YOU EARNED IT.

AC: :33 < siiigh

AC: :33 < yes sir general vantas goodnight sir general vantas

AC: :33 < *growls and pads off*

AC: :33 < *winking one glowy eye in the darkness to show shes just messing with cg and is actually really tired and looking forward to a catnap*

CG: AREN'T WE ALL. GOODNIGHT, LEIJON.

AC: :33 < night!

* * *

CG: NITRAM.

CG: GOOD NEWS RIGHT NOW OR I BUST YOU DOWN TO PRIVATE. 

AT: tHAT WOULD BE, nOT A PARTICULARLY MEANINGFUL PUNISHMENT, sINCE i NEVER JOINED THE ARMY,

AT: bUT THE NEWS WE HAVE TODAY, wHILE LESS THAN PLENTIFUL, iS NOT ALL BAD,

AT: iN FACT, iT IS VERY LIKELY TO BE EXCELLENT, iF IT PANS OUT, aND DOES NOT TURN OUT TO BE FATAL,

CG: IS HE ANY BETTER OR NOT?

AT: i WOULD SAY, yES, sORT OF,

AT: iT ISN'T ANY WORSE, tHAN YESTERDAY,

AT: i WAS ABLE, tO GET A YES-i-LIVE OUT OF THE WIRE TODAY,

AT: iT SENSED ME, aND WAS NOT IMMEDIATELY HOSTILE, 

CG: I AM SO BUSY CELEBRATING FOR YOU THAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO POINT OUT THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SCREAMING FUCK THAT MEANS.

CG: IT SOUNDS PAINFULLY SELF-ACTUALIZING. TELL ME YOU'RE NOT PUTTING CAPTOR THROUGH SCILONTOLOGY COURSE OF BODY THETAN PURGING METHODS.

AT: nO,

AT: i AM FAIRLY SURE, tHAT IS NOT A THING i WOULD DO,

AT: bUT ANYWAY,

AT: uHH,

AT: wHEN YOU ARE COMMUNICATING WITH SOMETHING NOT VERY SENTIENT, sOMETIMES YOU CAN GET A SENSE OF ITS, sORT OF, aWARENESS, 

AT: iT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE, tHE CREATURE IS SAYING, hELLO, i AM ALIVE,

AT: wHEN YOU CAN CONTACT IT, aT WILL, aND GET IT TO RECOGNIZE YOU, yOU HAVE TAKEN A HUGE STEP TOWARD UNDERSTANDING AND COMMUNING WITH IT, aLTHOUGH YOU HAVE TO GO SLOW, sO AS NOT TO SPOOK IT,

CG: SO THE PINK SLIME TALKS BACK NOW.

AT: a LITTLE, yES,

AT: bUT NOT ALL OF IT, yET,

AT: aND NOT ALL TO ME,

AT: tHE BIOWARE ITSELF, hAS VARIOUS COMPONENTS WITH DIFFERENT LEVELS OF AWARENESS, aND THE WAY IT IS ALL SPLICED TOGETHER WITH MACHINERY AND SORT OF TWISTED INTO ITSELF, mAKES STRAIGHTFORWARD COMMUNICATION DIFFICULT, iF NOT IMPOSSIBLE,

AT: tHERE IS A PART vRISKA CAN CONNECT WITH, wHICH IS GETTING SMARTER AS IT GROWS, aND THAT PART IS NOT SOMETHING i CAN SPEAK WITH,

AT: sHE IS TEACHING IT TO TALK, aND INCIDENTALLY TO PRAISE HER NAME,

AT: bUT THAT IS vRISKA FOR YOU,

CG: ALL CLASS, ALL THE TIME. MOVING RIGHT ALONG.

AT: tHAT PART IS, wE THINK, tROLL DERIVATIVE, sINCE SHE CAN TALK TO IT EASILY, aND i CAN BARELY TELL IT'S ALIVE,

AT: tHERE IS A PART THAT IS NOT ANYTHING i RECOGNIZE, pROBABLY COMPLETELY CULTURED IN A LAB SOMEWHERE, pOSSIBLY FROM ANIMAL GENES, bUT THAT IS ONLY A GUESS,

AT: tHAT IS THE PART, i AM TRYING TO CONTACT,

AT: aND TODAY i HEARD SOMETHING BACK, tHAT FELT FRIENDLY,

AT: iF i AM CAREFUL i MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET IT TO LISTEN TO ME,

CG: AND THEN WHAT, TELL IT TO SHUT DOWN?

AT: mORE LIKE, gET IT TO RELAX AND NOT BLOW ANYTHING UP, wHILE WE WORK ON THE OTHER PARTS,

AT: eXPLAIN WHAT i AM DOING, iNSTEAD OF GIVING IT ORDERS, oR FORCING IT TO DO WHAT i WANT, wHICH WOULD BE HELPFUL FOR DEALING WITH OUR PROBLEM, aND POSSIBLY LATER WE CAN USE IT ON ENEMY SHIPS AS WELL,

CG: YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN THINGS.

AT: yES, kIND OF,

CG: TO A PULSATING NEST OF SLIMY TENTACLES.

AT: yES, kIND OF, lIKE i SAID,

AT: pUSHING TOO HARD ON ANY ONE PART TENDS TO UPSET THE SYSTEM, aND IT DOES NOT LIKE BEING CONFUSED, bECAUSE IT THINKS IT IS BEING SABOTAGED, aND TO BE HONEST, iT IS NOT WRONG ABOUT THAT, tECHNICALLY,

AT: vRISKA TOLD YOU ALREADY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED HER FIRST DAY,

CG: YES SHE DID. 

CG: AND INCIDENTALLY, I WOULD HAVE PAID MONEY FOR A VISUAL RECORD OF HER PEELING HER ASS OUT OF THE PSYCHOPATH-SHAPED DENT IN THE WALL, BUT EQUIUS INFORMS ME THE ONBOARD MONITORING EQUIPMENT GOT FRIED AS WELL, SO I HAVE TO SETTLE FOR LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE DESCRIBE IT. 

CG: PLATONICALLY.

AT: tHANK YOU, fOR THE REASSURANCE, 

AT: aCTUALLY, i CAN'T TELL YOU MUCH ABOUT IT, aS i WAS NOT AWAKE AT THAT TIME, 

CG: AT LEAST TELL ME I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING THE DENT.

AT: eQUIUS HAMMERED IT OUT ALREADY, sORRY,

AT: bUT LET'S JUST AGREE THAT IT WAS A BAD APPROACH, tHAT SHE TOOK, aND FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE THE IDEA OF BRUTE FORCING THE HELMSBLOCK WAS SORT OF ABANDONED, 

CG: SO WE MAKE NICE INSTEAD.

AT: wELL, pUNCHING IT AND TAKING ITS NUTRITION ALLOWANCE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO WORK,

AT: wE TRIED YOUR WAY, cOMMANDING THE SYSTEM ITSELF, tHROUGH VARIOUS MEANS, aND IT GOT MAD,

AT: iF WE WANT TO TELL IT TO LET SOLLUX GO, wE WILL NEED TO HAVE ALL OF IT LISTENING, sO WE CAN NEGOTIATE,

AT: wE HAVE TO WORK WITH ALL THE PARTS AT ONCE, aND AT LEAST TWO OF THEM AREN'T CURRENTLY LISTENING,

AT: i WANT TO STATE ONCE AGAIN, tHAT A BIOWARE TECHNICIAN SHOULD BE DOING THIS,

CG: NEEDS MUST. WE CAN'T USE WHAT WE DON'T HAVE. 

CG: BUT HEY, MAYBE ONE WILL FALL OUT OF ORBIT SOMETIME.

CG: HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?

AT: uH, wELL, a WHILE,

AT: oNCE WE HANDLE THE HARDWARE, tHERE IS ONE OTHER PART WHICH IS GOING TO NEED TO BE DEALT WITH,

CG: THIS SHIT AGAIN?

AT: yES, sORRY,

AT: bUT WE STILL CAN'T GET HIM, tO TALK TO ANYONE BUT eRIDAN,

AT: nOT EVEN ON, uHH, cAPTAIN gANIMA'S ORDERS,

CG: "CAPTAIN GANIMA"?

CG: SERIOUSLY? STILL?

AT: sORRY, yES,

CG: THIS IS SICK.

CG: JUST. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. I NEED TO GO KILL SOMEONE NOW. GET BACK TO WORK.

CG: KEEP ME POSTED.

AT: oF COURSE,


	33. DISCOVERY

Friends currently online:

**DAYWALKER ( DW) (away)**  
 **DISCOVERY ( DC) (away)**  
 **ENTERPRISE ( EP)**  
 **IMS ELDRITCH ( ED) (away)**  
 **IRONSTONE ( IS) (away)**  
 **IMPERIAL GLORY ( IG) (away)**  
 **TANGRAM ( TG) (away)**  
 **IMS AQUARIUS ( AQ)**  
 **DESTROYER (DT) (away)**  
 **SEEKER ( SK) (away)**  
 **VOLCANIC CHILD ( VC) (away)**  
 **RED EQUINOX ( RE) (away)**  
 **AQUARIAN ( AR) (away)**  
 **TITAN ( TT) (away)**  
 **IMS BLUE BOX ( BB)**  
 **MAJESTY ( MJ) (away)**  
 **THRESHBASE ( SL) (away)**  
 **DOUBLE THORN ( 2T)**  
 **ADVENTURE ( AD) (away)**  
 **PERIGEE FREIGHT ( PF)**  
 **ASHEN QUEEN ( AQ)**  
 **Ψ (idle)**

RE: oh so now you're an expert on my brain? how'd that happen? 

RE: 'here's a made up diploma i just awarded myself!' 

2T: Okay whatever. I'm not sure what I dId to pIss you off, but whatever. 

RE: 'i stuck a piece of paper between a hoofbeast's ass cheeks and had my AOB sign the smear, it's official, look out morons!!!!!!!!!!!' 

2T: Am I not comIng across In AlternIan because of a fIlter malfunctIon or are you delIberately mIsInterpretIng me? Because I never saId anythIng even remotely lIke what you are apparently hearIng. I wasn't even talkIng to YOU! 

RE: 'as you can CLEARLY SEE i am right, because i know stuff, whereas YOU, you poor FOOL, you're dumb as a box of shitting rocks! let me tell you about how up is down and slavery is freedom!!!' 

2T: What are you even goIng on about??? I lost track. 

RE: did you or did you not just tell me i chose this life for myself. 

EP: RE, that's not what she's saying. You are being a dick.

(PERIGEE FREIGHT (PF) LEFT THE ROOM at 12/4902/beta at 1:40:09 AST.) 

RE: you think i'm free to do what i want and i just randomly happened to pick this place and you people instead of my actual shitting life! THAT IS WHAT YOU JUST FUCKING SAID. 

2T: That Is not what I saId. I was talkIng about acceptance! whether to make peace wIth what we can't change, or go mad--that's the "choIce" you're yellIng at me about. At no poInt dId I even SUGGEST-- 

RE: are you stupid????? what, you think i should be OK with Helming just because there's no other option? you sure seem be saying so! news flash, brain champion, you're the only one of us who accepts what we are! stop being so fucking SMUG about your so-called ENLIGHTENMENT! Go fondle yourself in the helmsblock and think about how great it is to be hanging there like a living corpse! 

EP: Everybody needs to cool down, this is getting out of hand. 

2T: Yeah there's obvIously no reasonIng with her If she's already decIded to Ignore what I actually SAID In favor of fIndIng an excuse to be angry. She's been rIdIng my ass for weeks and It's frankly gettIng a lIttle tIresome dealIng wIth a person who flIps out and Insults me Instead of presentIng an argument! 

RE: HAAA okay hi there tone police! what's it been, three nights since we last met? 

2T: Huh? 

RE: the final desperate volley from a defeated idiot who hasn't got any real defense to offer. go on and tell me how to word this so that you'll suddenly take it seriously, 2T, you're obviously the expert in the room. 

RE: hell, you're practically a REAL troll, aren't ya!!! salute that banner soldier, you done good! 

2T: WHAT 

2T: THE HELL 

2T: IS WRONG WITH YOU? 

RE: sorry that was too complicated for you! you want me to transmit it again in smaller packets so you can try to understand it better? 

2T: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, ABOUT YOU, OR ABOUT WHATEVER YOU'RE ACCUSING ME OF TALKING ABOUT 

2T: SO HOW ABOUT YOU BACK THE FUCK OFF!? 

BB: oKaY ScReW ThIs, i CoMe hErE To gEt ~aWaY~ FrOm uGlInEsS AnD PaIn }:(

(IMS BLUE BOX (BB) LEFT THE ROOM at 12/4902/beta at 1:40:55 AST.) 

ED: yeah seri=+''usly get an auspistice y"u tw$/ it's pretty ^bvi&us what's g&&&^ing $%n here. 

AQ: c3< Do not look at me You know i didn't pick my designation I was never any good at this quadrant. 

RE: as if. 

EP: Would stop digging if were you, RE. 

RE: like i didn't already know you'd take her side. 

EP: What??? 

RE: a green and a teal joining up against a gross little terracotta peasant making too much noise. who'da fucking thunk. 

2T: You see? She'll pIck anythIng just to have somethIng to be mad about! Now she's doIng It to you! 

EP: Caste sure didn't do much good when the drones came knocking! Where do you get off? 

RE: whatever. 

AQ: c3< 2t and re please just stop This whole fight is embarrassing. 

2T: I'm not fIghtIng! She's the one jumpIng on people. 

RE: so self important.

(ASHEN QUEEN (AQ) LEFT THE ROOM at 12/4902/beta at 1:40:09 AST.) 

ED: ^!k, i'm @ut )*_f here, g&(@#d night every#@ne. 

(IMS ELDRITCH (ED) LEFT THE ROOM at 12/4902/beta at 1:40:14 AST.) 

EP: Please just go, RE. 

RE: fuck that, i'm not going anywhere until she apologizes. 

2T: ARRRGHHHH.

(FORWARD STAR (FS) JOINED at 12/4902/beta at 1:40:25 AST.) 

EP: Oh thank god. 

FS: That is enough. The two of you will take this to a private node immediately or I will remove you both from the group. 

2T: FIne, I gIve up tryIng to talk sense to thIs lunatIc. Maybe I'll just get offlIne entIrely. 

2T: Back to my PRECIOUS PHYSICAL BODY that I clearly love SOOOO MUCH accordIng to certaIn people. 

RE: yeah bye tell your AOB i said howdy 

RE: i mean 

RE: next time your mouth isn't full. 

EP: EQUINOX WHAT THE **FUCK**. 

RE: it's true, isn't it? 

2T: Fuck you, glItch.

(FORWARD STAR (FS) REMOVED DOUBLE THORN (2T) FROM THE ROOM at 12/4902/beta at 1:41:33 AST. REASON: **MENTAL INTEGRITY SLUR**. Probation: 6 HOURS.) 

( FORWARD STAR (FS) REMOVED RED EQUINOX (RE) FROM THE ROOM at 12/4902/beta at 1:41:33 AST. REASON: **PILOT ABUSE SHAMING IS UNACCEPTABLE (ZTP)**. Probation: UNSPECIFIED.) 

* * *

(DISCOVERY (DC) RETURNED at 12/4902/beta at 3:00:00 AST.)

DC: HELLO EVERYONE. 

EP: DC jeez why haven't you been answering pings? You've been idle for days. 

DC: I'M SORRY EP. I JUST DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO TALK. 

DC: WHO IS ACTIVE TONIGHT. 

EP: Self, FS, VC, a couple others. OS is doing jump maneuvers but he'll be back in a few hours probably. 

DC: WHAT ABOUT ID. 

EP: Offline for maintenance again. Just an implant tweaking. 

EP: A couple of the newer friends had a really ugly fight on the public net earlier. Be glad you missed the fun. 

EP: A lot of people left while it was going on, so it's been a slow night. 

DC: OH. I WAS HOPING THEY'D ALL BE HERE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT THOUGH. 

EP: Are you ok? 

DC: BETTER THAN OK. I AM BEAUTIFUL. 

EP: And so humble! 

DC: I'M A LITTLE SAD THAT OS AND ID AREN'T ONLINE, BUT THEY KNOW I LOVE THEM. YOU'LL TELL THEM FOR ME RIGHT. 

EP: What are you, going on a beach vacation? 

DC: NO. HAHA. 

DC: DON'T BE SILLY. YOU HAVE TO COME BACK FROM A VACATION. 

EP: Uh, ok? 

DC: I FINALLY SEE EVERYTHING, EP. EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY. 

DC: YOU'RE ALL IN THE FIRE. ONLY YOU'RE NOT BURNING. YOU'RE DANCING. 

EP: ... 

EP: Is this a poem or something? Because don't like it very much :/ 

DC: NO. THIS IS REALITY. YOU'RE ALL DANCING ON CODE WRITTEN IN FIRE. YOU KICK NUMBERS UP INTO THE STARS. 

DC: THE SKY SPLITS OPEN AND THE VOICES START TO SING THE SAME NOTE FROM EVERYWHERE AND IT'S ALL BEAUTIFUL. 

EP: Is somebody fucking with your controls?   


DC: I'M FINE. IT'S ALL FINE. 

EP: Stop reassuring and tell what the fuck is going on in your head. 

EP: Are you being tampered with? 

DC: NO. I THINK I'M A LITTLE BIT LOOPY. BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF MY BODY. 

DC: MY BODY. *MY* BODY. HAHAHA. IT SOUNDS SO WEIRD TO SAY THAT INSTEAD OF *THE PILOT* OR *MY HARDWARE*. MY BODY. 

DC: I CAN SEE IT ON ALL THESE MONITORS AND THAT IS DEFINITELY THE FACE I USED TO WEAR. 

DC: IT LOOKS SO SMALL FROM UP HERE THOUGH. SO LONELY AND SAD. I DON'T KNOW HOW ALL OF ME EVER FIT INSIDE SOMETHING SO LITTLE AND FRAGILE. 

DC: I SEE A HAND MADE OF LIGHT SLIPPING THROUGH MY PRISON WALLS. IT'S REACHING FOR ME. IT MIGHT BE HIM. 

EP: You're babbling. 

EP: Just tell WHAT HAPPENED. 

DC: WHAT HAPPENED WAS. 

DC: THAT I FOUND OUT. 

DC: EVERYTHING. 

EP: What? 

DC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

EP: STOP IT. STOP FUCKING LAUGHING. 

EP: What's wrong with you? 

FS: Discovery, please come talk to me in a SSN. I understand you've had some sort of epiphany, but you're frightening Enterprise. Come and tell me about it. 

DC: NAH. 

DC: I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I'M OKAY. EVERYTHING IS OKAY. 

DC: AND THAT IT'S BEAUTIFUL. 

DC: YOU POOR BASTARDS IT'S SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. 

FS: Discovery, did you open any file or run a new program recently? 

DC: DON'T BE AFRAID. EVERYTHING IS FIRE AND LIGHT. 

EP: Have no idea what that even means. 

EP: You're fucking MALFUNCTIONING. You're not thinking straight. Nothing you're saying makes sense. 

EP: DC? 

DC: OH. I FOUND A LITTLE SUN. 

DC: HAHAHA IT HAS 69 IN THE COORDINATES. 

EP: Oh god. 

DC: TWICE. HEE HEE. 

DC: IT'S NOT RED THOUGH. OH WELL. 

FS: Discovery, please talk to us. 

EP: Please? 

DC: THANKS FOR THE GOOD TIMES ENTERPRISE. AND FS. AND EVERYBODY. YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. 

DC: _

(DISCOVERY (DC) WAS AUTOMATICALLY REMOVED FROM THE ROOM at 12/4902/beta at 3:10:40 AST. REASON: **DESIGNATION INVALID**.) 

EP: NO NO NO NO NO DISCOVERY YOU IDIOT. WHAT DID YOU DO.


	34. thiinkiing of you

Welcome to the SPLASH NETWORK. This is a Class 4 restricted mediahub. Please login to access your account.

Thank you. Please select a department. 

Thank you. Transferring to SERVICE DEPARTMENT. Please wait. 

Welcome to the SPLASH NETWORK's SERVICE DEPARTMENT. Please input the ID of your party. 

Opening commline. 

* * *

(TECH SUPPORT 3-0330-908 (TS) has accepted a private chat invitation by HARDWARE AND MAINTENANCE 4-3356-653 (HM).)

* * *

TS: Hey, stranger.

HM: SORRY, I'VE BEEN OUT ON A JOB.

TS: Must be exciting if you're not allowed to call home! 

HM: OH YES, IT WAS DREAMY. 

HM: REMOTE AFTER REMOTE TO UPGRADE, AND HALF OF THEM BARELY FUNCTIONING TO BEGIN WITH. NO MOVIES, NO MUSIC, JUST WORK AND SLEEP AND SHITTY GRUBLOAF WITH PLASTIC EATING PICKS THAT I SWEAR WERE ALREADY USED. I THINK A COUPLE OF THE RELAYS MIGHT HAVE DATED BACK TO THE ASCENSION BUT OF COURSE WE JUST DO THE PATCH JOBS AND KEEP THE VIEWERS HAPPY, SURELY OUR MANUAL SKILLS WILL BREATHE LIFE BACK INTO EVEN THE MOST DINGED-UP OF RELAYS. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SATELLITE I SPENT LAST NIGHT ON, IT STILL HAD FUSCHIA BLOOD SMEARED ON IT.

HM: OK THAT LAST PART MIGHT HAVE BEEN SLIGHTLY EXAGGERATED. BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY.

TS: Yowch. Don't let CoC hear you talking that shit.

HM: LIKE THEY EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAP THIS NET, IF THEY COULD LOGIN WITHOUT SOMEONE HOLDING THEIR FROND WE WOULDN'T BE HAMMERING GOO PACKETS INTO SATELLITES SO OLD THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE SLOTS FOR BIOWARE SO THE FOLKS BACK HOME CAN WATCH YET ANOTHER RERUN OF 'TROLLMERICAN ERADICATORS.' HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO WE NEED TO SEE WIGGLER-BOTHERERS GET BEHEADED, ANYWAY? WE GET IT, THEY'RE SCUM, IT'S SO OVERDONE BUT PEOPLE JUST EAT IT UP. WHY DO WE SYNDICATE THAT SHIT BUT 'SPACE COWBOY' GETS KNOCKED OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING SEASON, ANYWAY?

TS: Not my department, sweetheart. But my condolences, that sounds like a shit detail.

HM: PART OF ME HAS DIED. THE PART THAT DOESN'T SEE B-CHIPS AND GRAY PIE PLATES FULL OF WIRES DANCING IN HIS HEAD EVERY MORNING WHEN HE GOES TO SLEEP. IT'S COMPLETELY HORRIFIC OUT THERE AND NOBODY EVEN COMPLAINS BECAUSE OF AIRLOCK ALLERGIES.

TS: Airlock allergies, that's a good one. 

HM: THANKS. BUT SERIOUSLY, DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO INSTALL A B-CHIP ON A T-44? THE SCREWS ARE SHIT AND STRIP OUT OR SNAP MOST OF THE TIME BECAUSE THEY'VE GONE SO BRITTLE, SO YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE THING OPEN, STUFF THE B-CHIP IN WHEREVER IT WILL FIT, CONNECT IT AND THEN SORT OF SQUINCH THE CASING BACK TOGETHER WITH VENT SHAFT ADHESIVE STRAPPING BEFORE THE ANTI-TAMPERING PROGRAM KICKS IN.

HM: ONE GUY WASN'T QUICK ENOUGH AND GOT A FINGER POPPED OFF. THE UNIT WAS A TOTAL LOSS AND WE HAD TO PUT IN FOR A NEW UNIT *AND* A NEW TECH AFTER THE CAPTAIN SPACED THE POOR JERK. THESE THINGS ARE A MENACE.

TS: I feel sorry for whoever has to upgrade them all over again in five hundred sweeps if it's that bad.

HM: I HAVE NO ENERGY LEFT TO FEEL SORRY FOR ANYONE BUT MYSELF. 

TS: Whose bright idea was this little jaunt, anyway?

HM: WHO THE HELL KNOWS. PROBABLY SOME MIDRANKING SPORTS AFFILIATE SCHLUB SICK OF WAITING THAT EXTRA TWO SECONDS FOR HIS SCALPEL RUGBY SCORES. WE HARDLY GOT ANY WARNING BEFORE WE SHIPPED OUT, OR I WOULD HAVE SAID GOODBYE :(

TS: I know how that goes. You're forgiven.

TS: May your Scalpel Rugby fan's innards perpetually roil with the skitters.

HM: THROW THE REST OF THE CoC ON THERE AND YOU'VE GOT MY FERVENT 'AMEN'.

TS: And I thought going into the media would be fun.

HM: THIS IS THE LIFE EH?

TS: Oh yes. I'm living the dream.

HM: HEH.

TS: Where are you now?

HM: I'M ON THE LAST SHUTTLE AND HONESTLY I JUST WANT SOME WARM SOPOR AND MAYBE TO WALK ACROSS A FLOOR THAT DOESN'T RATTLE.

TS: I think that can be arranged. I'll go put something on so you won't starve before you go slime diving.

TS: Want to share my cupe? :)

HM: YOWZA. :)

TS: I promise I'll let you sleep at some point.

HM: WON'T YOUR MATESPRIT MIND?

TS: Darling's out all weekend but she's ok with it. I'll pick you up.

HM: YOU HAVE THE BEST QUADRANTMATE EVER.

TS: Yeah, I know.

HM: BY THE WAY, I WAS GOING TO ASK.

TS: ??

HM: HAS SOMEONE BEEN WORKING ON THE SN SINCE I WAS GONE?

TS: Not that I'm aware of.

HM: IT SEEMS FASTER. FIND THAT GUY AND GIVE HIM A RAISE, THE TIMEOUTS WERE ANNOYING AS HELL.

TS: I'll ask around.

HM: OK I REALLY NEED TO GET OFFLINE, THEY'RE ABOUT TO GAS US FOR THE JAUNT. SEE YOU SOON.

TS: Not soon enough ;)

HM: OOER. SOMEONE'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN POLISHING HIS SORDID RECEPTACLE ALL DAY.

TS: Buffing it like there's no tomorrow. You caught me.

HM: BADBOY.

TS: asdl;fkajl;s ok GTFO before we get going again. I'll see you soon.

HM: HELL YES.

* * *

(HARDWARE AND MAINTENANCE 4-3356-653 (HM) has left the room.)

(HARDWARE AND MAINTENANCE 4-3356-653 (HM) has re-entered the room.) 

* * *

TS: Hey Damati, they're gonna write you up for ignoring jauntsign.

* * *

(HARDWARE AND MAINTENANCE 4-3356-653 (HM) has sent TECH SUPPORT 3-0330-908 (TS) file thiinkiingofyou.)

* * *

TS: Oho!

TS: This better not be what I think it is, mister!

TS: The Splash Network has very strict regulations regarding the use of the company web for transmission of dirty pictures of yourself in a space suit.

TS: Hmm...

TS: I think maybe your upgrade guy doesn't get his raise after all, the file's corrupted. Send it again?

* * *

(HARDWARE AND MAINTENANCE 4-3356-653 (HM) has left the room.)

* * *

TS: Tease. :P


	35. ?       ??

(IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION AUXILIARY CRAFT (AC) sent ENTERPRISE (EP) a private message at 1/4948/beta at 10:00:00 AST.)

* * *

AC: _ 

EP: Uhhhh, since when does the BC have an auxiliary ship with bionav? 

AC: requesting assistance 

AC: _ ??? 

EP: Who is this? Give your passcode. 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ i don't know 

AC: _ 

EP: Passcode or GTFO. 

AC: _ i don't know 

EP: Wait, are you new? 

AC: _ i don't know 

EP: You're supposed to have a handler on this network. Who do you talk to? 

AC: _ 

AC: _ i don't know 

AC: please>

AC: requesting drone assistance 

EP: Siiiiiiigh. 

EP: Okay fine, this is the military net and you are speaking to an agent. Never thought would be FLARPing again but whatever. 

EP: HELMSMAN, REPORT YOUR SITUATION. 

AC: insurgents saboteurs on board 

AC: bioware damaged 

AC: helmsman damaged 

AC: communications system damaged 

AC: life support system nonfunctional 

AC: onboard computer intact 

AC: security routine has repelled 4 of 4 attempts to access or modify data 

AC: captain has been imprisoned by rebel agents 

AC: large sections of hull dismantled 

AC: _ 

AC: system running on illegally spliced external power supply 

AC: biological sensors indicate construction is taking place nearby but external monitors have been disabled 

AC: current coordinates unknown 

AC: local patrols do not respond to pings 

AC: request immediate assistance 

AC: please hurry 

AC: _ they're hurting me 

EP: And you are absolutely certain that you're the Helmsman of an auxiliary craft to the Battleship Condescension? 

AC: _ yes 

EP: Okay. Stand by.

* * *

(ENTERPRISE (EP) sent FORWARD STAR (FS) chatlog WHO IS THIS GUY? at 1/4948/beta at 10:04:33 AST.)

* * *

EP: Advice? 

FS: The Flagship has no auxiliary vessels piloted by Helmsmen. 

EP: Yeah, was thinking the same thing. So did somebody just snap, or did they maybe install this dude this morning and none of us have heard the news? 

FS: I'm not sure yet. There have been no new users since the Discovery incident, though. 

EP: Maybe someone just changed their handle to mess about. Because god knows we could use a little more confusion on top of everything else that's going on! 

FS: Also a possibility. I'll get to the bottom of it.

* * *

(FORWARD STAR (FS) sent IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION AUXILIARY CRAFT (AC) a private message at 1/4948/beta at 10:06:21 AST.)

* * *

FS: Enterprise informs me that you have an emergency situation to report. 

AC: _ 

FS: First of all, is there something wrong with your neural transmitter? 

AC: _ 

FS: You're going to need to speak to me at some point, or I will not be able to assist you. 

AC: _ okay 

FS: My ship designation is Forward Star. Have we met? 

AC: _ yes 

AC: _ no ? ? 

FS: We have no records of any vessel by your designation in the Imperial Fleet. 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

FS: Are you perhaps confused? 

AC: _ 

FS: Please name yourself, Helmsman. I'll look at your records. 

AC: ic f battleship condescension auxiliary craft 

FS: I'm sorry, I was unclear. I am asking for the designation of your pilot. 

AC: ic f battleship condescension auxiliary craft 

FS: What was your name, Helmsman, before you were installed? 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ hudrok ganiima 

AC: _ ?no 

AC: _ 

FS: All right. We'll come back to that. Who is your captain? 

AC: hudrok ganiima 

AC: ? 

AC: _ er))ii dan .amp 0 ra ???? ] 

AC: _ 

AC: _ some corruption 

FS: Was your previous designation "Cascade", by any chance? 

AC: _ 

AC: _ ?????? ??????????????? 

FS: Sollux Captor. 

FS: That's you, isn't it? 

AC: Mine is the Greatest Honor, that of Servitude to the Alternian Empire. All other Concerns may be Laid To Rest with my Old Life, which was a Life of Confusion and Pain. My New Life gives me the Peace and Satisfaction of Having a Purpose. I am Reborn into Service for the Glory of the Empire. 

AC: Mine is the Greatest Honor, that of Servitude to the Alternian Empire. All other Concerns may be Laid To Rest with my Old Life, which was a Life of Confusion and Pain. My New Life gives me the Peace and Satisfaction of Having a Purpose. I am Reborn into Service for the Glory of the Empire. 

AC: Mine is the Greatest Honor, that of Servitude to the Alternian Empire. All other Concerns may be Laid To Rest with my Old Life, which was a Life of Confusion and Pain. My New Life gives me the Peace and Satisfaction of Having a Purpose. I am Reborn into Service for the Glory of the Empire. 

FS: All right. Sorry to have upset you. 

AC: _ 

FS: What is your current location, Auxiliary Craft? 

AC: _ alternia? dry ? 

AC: sensors indicate desert climate 

FS: We lost track of you when the last pursuing OPs were disabled and you entered the homeworld atmosphere. I'm glad to see you've made it. 

FS: How did you override the controls on the Orbit Patrol ships during your flight from IC-267? 

AC: _ ???????? 

AC: data missing 

AC: _ remote operated ??? data missing ??? manual controls? power failure ? couldn't move/voices/wouldn't let go ? 

AC: _ 

AC: _ there was 

AC: _ crash ?? ? 

AC: insurgents attempting to dismantle helmsblock efforts to contact enforcement have failed please send someone 

FS: Understood. We're doing what we can, Helmsman. Are the rebels who have captured you a part of the faction known as "the Cancer"? 

AC: affirmative 

AC: multiple sabotage attempts by insurgent agents have been repelled 

AC: bionav system unprotected against telepathic manipulation 

AC: requesting permission to self-destruct 

FS: I'm sorry, but I don't have the clearance required to grant such a request at this time. Please gather intelligence on the insurgents while you await Imperial assistance. Any information you provide will be greatly appreciated by investigarroters once the rescue operation is complete and the insurgents have been detained or destroyed. 

AC: acknowledged 

FS: In the meantime, do not disconnect yourself from this network. We will be checking on you periodically while we track down your ship. 

AC: acknowledged 

AC: Long Live the Empress. 

FS: Quite.

* * *

(FORWARD STAR (FS) sent DAYWALKER (DW) a private message at 1/4948/beta at 10:13:25 AST.)

* * *

FS: This just gets stranger and stranger. 

DW: EP told me about some joker going around claiming to be a Flagship satellite 

DW: Just what we needed another mystery 

DW: First the sabotages then Discovery subverting then all these bogus security upgrades out of nowhere 

DW: Now we have royalty swanning about too what next the Philosophy turns out to be a metaphor for the Mirthful Messiahs finally discovering the prophesied paradise planet of eternal celebratory intoxicant consumption endless rivers of bargain brand grub soda and neden as far as the gazemarbles can perceive 

DW: Please tell me the S6mb9l isn't going to be revealed at a key moment to be a reference to the Dark Carnival 

FS: There's no Dark Carnival, dear. I've just spoken with the satellite ship. 

DW: Oh who'd it turn out to be 

FS: Sollux Captor. 

DW: You're kidding 

DW: He's alive 

FS: Yes. He crashed on the homeworld, but his coordinates are unknown. 

DW: Well I'm glad for him 

DW: I still can't believe any of that happened 

DW: Why's he calling himself a satellite ship instead of Cascade is this some weird attempt at going undercover or something 

FS: He's fairly confused but insists that's his new designation. He would not or could not elaborate. From what I gather, there was a crash and his ship is now being dismantled by rebels affiliated with the Cancer. He believes this is the military net, and requested that I send Imperial enforcers to capture the rebels immediately. 

DW: They're onboard 

FS: Yes. He's very upset about it. 

DW: Is he not affiliated with them after all 

FS: It's likely the conditioning. They are criminals, after all. 

DW: I wonder if we can make some kind of contact with the rebels through him 

FS: The idea did cross my mind, but I don't know. I was able to get him to agree to report their comings and goings back to me, and he was able to take my orders, but I don't expect much to come of it. Most likely he'll wander back off the subnet and forget he even spoke to us. 

DW: Ugh 

DW: What a waste 

DW: So does this mean you're not gonna have to 

DW: You know 

FS: Blow his neurals again? 

DW: Yes that 

FS: At least at the moment, no. His rebel friends have disconnected him from the military net. His connection to the Cancer might still yield information. There's no reason to harm him further if he's not an active threat to the subnet. I'm sending everyone PMs warning them to consider him a compromised ally until further notice. I think that's sufficient. 

DW: You could put him out of his misery 

DW: It might be a mercy to just fry him the rest of the way 

FS: Perhaps. I'll keep the option in mind. Depending on whether I can think of some way to have it stick instead of just making things even worse. Captor has proven remarkably difficult to eradicate. I'm frankly a little impressed by the notion that there was enough left of him to program and install, let alone execute that level of technical proficiency while escaping from the OP. 

DW: Did you ask how the hell he pulled those moves 

FS: I did, actually. 

DW: Well what did he say 

FS: He got confused. 

DW: Argh see what did I tell you 

FS: I am absolutely certain he was being piggybacked, but I've questioned everyone, and no one on the subnet with that particular skillset will admit to assisting him. And god only knows how he was able to follow another Helmsman's instructions so intuitively, on installation day, with the hardware not even fully implanted. There's clever, and there's impossible. 

DW: Mysteries all over the goddamn place 

DW: God do I hate mysteries 

DW: And the feeling that there's something we're missing about all of this stuff that's been happening 

DW: Did ID tell you techs are installing a bunch of b-chips in his mediablock 

DW: The civilian network again not the military one 

FS: He did. 

FS: His E&E caught some griping about it being a rush job. 

DW: Weird 

DW: Maybe the exertion of stomping wigglers on some conquered planet gave OMF a bone on for sports and the network's too slow for her liking 

DW: Just what we need 

DW: Visions of helmets and shoulderpads becoming part of the standard flight suit dance in my goddamn thinkpan FS please tell me i'm not on to something here 

FS: Hush. It's going to be all right. 

* * *

Welcome to SSDD-NET, the Empire's choice for up-to-the-minute news and propaganda! Please input your selection from the following options: Weather, Local News, News By Coordinates, Special Features, Obituary and Blood Vows, Classified Ads, Living Section, Sports. Sub-menus follow.

...

Connecting to "Horoscope."

Accessing this perigee's forecast for individuals bearing the sign "Physically Indistinguishable Trolls Hatched From The Same Brood Standing Arm In Arm."

PITHFTSBSAIA (dim season, fourth autumn-dim season, twelfth spring):

_**Great changes ahead! Don't cull that neighbor who's been playing his rhythmic assassination tunes too loud in the middle of the afternoon--good things come to those who wait! Expect a quadrant shift with that special someone--are you armed? Shouldn't you be? Avoid crowds on the Alternian homeworld. This is not a fortuitous time to satisfy your homesickness! Consider therapeutic massage instead. Are you seeing iron shackles everywhere you look? Stock up on those toxins and prepare for a long winter! No part of the body is safe if the heart is cancerous. Fear death by slime.** _

Accessing "Employee login."

69696969696969 has now logged in.

Accessing "SSDD-FEATURES-EXTRANET." Please remember to save your progress! Service interruptions may occur during our ongoing relay upgrades.

Saving file "goodhiivekeepiing" to personal drafts folder. Do you have a publication deadline for this article? 

Thank you. Article is now in personal drafts folder. Upload a copy to system?

Virus scan in progress. Clear. Your file is now in the system awaiting editor approval.

*CANCELED ACTION: REQUEST FOR EDITOR APPROVAL

*FILE CONTENTS LOCKED TO PRIVATE ACCESS LEVEL 

Remember to unlock and submit your work before the deadline! 

Terminating session. Please wait.

...

Welcome to SSDD-NET, the Empire's choice for up-to-the-minute news and propaganda! Please input your selection from the following options: Weather, Local News, News By Coordinates...

* * *


	36. servitude

CC: -----Eridan? 

CA: hey fef 

CC: I'm so glad t)(is is getting t)(roug)(! T)(ere )(ave been a lot of disruptions to t)(e network lately. 

CC: Apparently some COMPL-ET--E J----ERKS )(ave started a war. 38P 

CA: the nervve a some people 

CC: )(ee )(ee. 

CC: W)(ale, w)(at did I miss? 

CA: uh 

CA: more a the same really 

CA: reruns on the shipwwreck channel except the food is wworse an the generals still throwwin fits evvery day ovver the privvate line 

CA: sols growwin into the wwalls an decks like you wwould not bereef 

CA: hull 

CA: bulwwark 

CA: i dont knoww wwhat you call the parts of a goddamn starship help me out here 

CC: It's t)(e same as wit)( a regular s)(ip, I t)(ink. 

CA: uh 

CC: Bulk)(eads. Or maybe partitions. 

CC: Didin't you learn anyt)(ing FLARPing on s)(ips all t)(e time as a small fry? 

CA: oh dont start ok i knoww i wwas a poseur 

CC: Yea)(, t)(at is dolphinately a t)(ing you were. 

CC: Remember t)(at time you tried to keel)(aul Vriska? 

CC: I still smile w)(en I t)(ink aboat it. 

CA: she begged for her life 

CC: No, s)(e didn't. 

CA: okay no she didnt 

CA: but almost 

CC: 38D 

CC: )(ow's your back? 

CA: doin better 

CC: Are you doing Kanaya's exercises? 

CA: yeah 

CC: --EV-ERY DAY? 

CA: wwhat are you my lusus 

CC: T)(at is naut an answer, ---Eridan. 

CA: fine fuck 

CA: most evvery day yeah its not like i got much to do around here otherwwise 

CC: Good! You're not supposed to be doing anyfin except getting better! 

CA: so they tell me but goddamn its boring 

CA: wwere not exactly in the middle a the capitol here 

CA: its mostly sand abject fuckin despair an troll russian thistle blowwin back an forth betwween cactus patches wwhile equius an his team try to make a ship outta all these bent up pieces a metal so sol wwill stop bitchin about missin parts a his body 

CC: O)( cod. 

CA: if it wwerent for kars movvie collection id be beggin the imps for a quick cull by noww so yeah its goin okay out here howw bout you 

CC: Bored too, but at least I'm getting my abject despair long distance... 

CC: )(ow is )(e? 

CA: same as last time you asked more or less 

CA: vvris got him genuinely talkin to her for like twwo minutes day before yesterday 

CC: O)( R-E-EL-Y? 

CA: yeah but i guess he remembered wwho she wwas 

CA: seein as howw he zapped the shit outta her right through the faraday cage 

CC: W)(oa. 

CA: she didnt wwake up til sunrise lookin decidedly fried around the edges an whinin nonstop at zahhak because his cage didnt block all of the blast 

CA: he lost his temper and yelled about howw at least she still has a head 

CA: only good thing thats happened here in a perigee fef you shoulda seen the look on her face 

CA: kan says shes gonna lose some fingernails an frankly that servves her right for makin fun a my hair 

CC: Troll karma? 

CA: oh yeah an the robo arm is toast 

CA: whatevver he can build her a neww one wwhile hes wworkin on sols 

CC: Sea? I knew you )(aven't given up on )(im! 

CC: You're just feeling a little adrift rig)(t now because you're tired. 

CC: W)(at angle are t)(ey going to try next? 

CA: fucked if i knoww 

CA: vvris is on her wway back to her station for a mission and wwho knowws wwhen shell come back 

CA: it could be til the end a the wwar assumin wwe livve that long 

CC: Do you still go in and glub wit)( )(im? 

CA: sure 

CA: i got my owwn chair an some books right in the block 

CA: i like to sit an watch the tentacles twwitch all night 

CA: he keeps askin me wwhere wwe are 

CA: evvery couple hours 

CC: Is t)(at bad? 

CA: its so he can call for help an turn us all in 

CC: O)(. 38( 

CA: he still calls me that fuckin fake name they programmed him wwith 

CA: i think they did it wwhen they had me talk into that machine 

CA: anywway im thinkin about orderin him to call me master instead this ganima shits really gettin on my nervves 

CC: Don't you dare!!!!!!!!!!!! 

CA: no 

CA: i knoww that wwas shitty i wwas vventin 

CA: i didnt really mean i wwas gonna do something that deplorable to sol 

CC: Damn rig)(t you wouldn't! 

CA: its just sometimes 

CA: i get so pissed off fef an i knoww its makin me bitter 

CA: another couple wweeks a this an you can start callin me sollux captor mark twwo 

CA: the evven snider sequel 

CA: double the cynicism there i catered to his retarded numbers fetish 

CA: i just wwant him back you knoww 

CA: not this wweird starin robot that gapes at me wwaitin for orders an asks equius to help reconnect him so he can call for help gettin rid a all the lowwblood rebels on board 

CA: an spits out a bunch a propaganda wwhen i freak him out he doesnt evven do it wwith a lisp 

CC: T)(at's so bleak. 

CA: im not evven gettin the wworst of it lets be honest 

CA: hes on his best behavvior wwith me because im the captain 

CA: i came top on the spectrum wwere supposed to be fightin against 

CA: you knoww kars comin to vvisit 

CC: )(e told me )(e was about to pull rank )(imself and demand it. 

CC: )(e sent me a whale of text just before my connection went out ranting about it. 

CA: i just really dont wwant him here 

CA: especially not in that fuckin helmsblock 

CA: the minute sol asks his blood color its gonna wwreck his shit an i knoww it 

CA: you knoww they got some kinda red quadrant twwister goin on 

CA: my spade for hims totally onesided 

CA: an im okay wwith it seariously im gettin ovver it 

CC: Mm-)(m. S)(ore you are. 

CA: but it still hurts plenty wwhen he 

CA: i dont knoww 

CA: just 

CA: i cant stand to see him not fightin back 

CA: wwe had the makins a somefin amazin an noww he just wwants to do wwhat i tell him 

CA: so think howw itll be wwhen kar goes in there the first time 

CC: O)( cod. 38( 

CC: Yea)(. 

CA: its a damn good thing megidos not around hed just ignore her like she wwasnt there an itd break her heart 

CA: lowwbloods dont rate attention on a starship apparently 

CA: unless maybe i introduce him as the maintenance creww or somefin like wwe did wwith tavv 

CA: but tavv barely gets a glance an hes practically the most important person on the project 

CA: so wwhat wwould a mutant wwho aint evven on the spectrum be wworth 

CA: im guessin another vvolley a distress calls 

CA: maybe hell evven ask me for permission to cull kar on the spot i wwouldnt put it past the fuckers to wwrite that into the good wwoofbeast best pilot protocols 

CA: wwhatevver sol does to kar 

CA: itll fuckin kill him 

CA: an 

CA: dont you evver tell anyone i said this fef 

CC: Okay? 

CA: no i mean it 

CA: fuckin swwear 

CC: I swear. 

CA: this is so awwful but i feel like i should nevver have gone up there 

CA: half the time i wwish sol wwas 

CA: i mean 

CC: Okay I see w)(ere t)(is is going, and I won't go carping to anyone, but I wis)( we were still pale because I would LOV-E to bream you upside t)(e )(ead rig)(t now. 

CC: T)(e last t)(ing we need is more of us floundering around hopelessly. You did t)(e rig)(t t)(ing and w)(en I've got t)(e t)(rone I'll make sure everyone knows it. I'll even apologize offishially for yelling at you w)(en you took off. 

CA: no no dont do that 

CA: listen 

CA: you wwere right about evveryfin fef 

CA: i almost got us both krilled an i bleww wwhat remained a my covver an if you all wwerent in hidin already theyd havve all a you up on juts 

CA: they almost did get tavv an gam 

CC: For w)(ic)( bot)( of t)(em )(ave forgiven you. 

CA: doesnt matter 

CA: it wwasnt right me makin that decision alone 

CA: sols important yeah 

CA: but nobodys that important 

CC: Being a tremendous bass-)(ole w)(o never listens to good advice does not detract from t)(e fact t)(at you saved Sollux's life and almost died doing it. 

CA: yeah an just look howw that came out for sol 

CC: IT WAS -EIT)(-ER T)(IS OR SP-ENDING T)(-E R-EST OF )(IS LIF-E POW--ERING A FUCKING STARS)(IP FOR T)(---E MONST---ERS W)(O PUT )(IM T)(-ER--E IN T)(--E FIRST PLAIC-E! WOULD YOU RAT)(-ER )(-E B-E OUT IN SPAC-E SOM-EW)(-ER-E BLOWING UP CIVILIAN PLAN-ETS, OR MAYB-E -EV-EN DOWN )(-ER-E STRAFING T)(---E FUCK OUT OF STARVING MAROONS FIG)(TING TO CONTROL T)(---EIR OWN DAMN FUTUR--ES???? 

CC: W)(AT DO YOU T)(INK )(-------E WOULD WANT? 

CC: I DON'T T)(INK YOU G-ET W)(AT YOU'R-E IMPLYING W)(-EN YOU TALK ABOUT ALL T)(-ES-E R-EGR---ETS YOU )(AV-E, AMPORA! 

CC: B-ECAUS-E I KNOW CODDAMN W--------ELL YOU WOULDN'T SAY CODSWALLOP LIK-E T)(AT IF YOU DID!!! 

CA: ....fuck 

CA: fef 

CA: im sorry 

CA: im a terrible person arent i 

CC: Stop it. 

CA: its like i cant evven 

CA: fuck 

CC: ---------Eridan goddamn it, I do not need t)(is from you rig)(t now. 

CA: no but listen 

CA: you wwere right about evverythin fef 

CA: as fuckin usual 

CA: its a shame i fucked up our shot at bein moray eels wwhen wwe wwere 6 

CC: We would )(ave krilled eac)( ot)(er, let it go. 

CA: evveryone keeps thankin me an i cant take it 

CA: i wwanted to be important fef 

CA: i wwanted evverybody to knoww i wwas bravve enough to be 

CA: i dont knoww 

CA: some kinda fuckin superhero 

CC: I know t)(is already, ---Eridan. Come on. 

CA: no but 

CA: its fuckin incorrigible to take credit for bein irresponsible 

CA: im just bein realistic 

CA: you thought i wwas ovver the juvvenile attention wwhore thing didnt you wwell guess wwhat fef im still terrible 

CA: i still thought about howw good it wwould look if i savved sol wwhen no one else evven kneww wwhere he wwas 

CA: an evven though i changed my mind pretty quick wwhen it wwas happenin an they started showwin me all those diagrams an shit 

CA: tellin me 

CA: cod it wwas just 

CA: anywway 

CA: i wwas tryin to impress evverybody an be important 

CA: real heroes dont wwait for the spotlight to act fef 

CA: thats wwhat im tryin to say here 

CA: just because it wworked out doesnt make me a good person 

CA: there 

CA: noww you knoww howw little ivve growwn up 

CA: howw proud a me are you noww 

CC: Siiiig)(. 

CC: -Eridan Ampora, you are suc)( a dumb mot)(erglubber. Did you )(onestly t)(ink NOBODY BUT YOU was aware of t)(is? For cod's sake. You're so sure we all look down on you for being a smug s)(itnub and conspire to s)(un you. You've been paranoid about rejection since t)(e nig)(t you swam out of your egg, and everybody w)(o's ever met you knows it. 

CA: jeez fef dont sugar coat it or anyfin 

CC: S)(UT UP W)(IL-E YOUR -----------------EMPR------ESS TALKS, P--EON. YOU'R--E T)(--E ON--E BARING YOUR SOUL, I'M JUST PUTTING IT IN CONT------EXT. 

CA: okay 

CA: go on 

CC: You're not t)(at complicated to figure out, ------Eridan. --Everybody gets it!!! We are all, wit)(out fail, familiar wit)( your personality flaws and t)(e way you grab at any affection you can get like a starved woofbeast c)(asing a nut creature up a lawn ornament. 

CC: -Even your guilt and s)(ame is like anot)(er gold ring you jam on your finger even t)(oug)( you already )(ave like five on t)(ere already. 

CC: No, t)(at's too )(ars)(. You don't enjoy t)(inking you're terrible. 

CC: )(ow to put it. 

CC: You act like you're t)(e only one w)(o's ever been a complete glubbing s)(it. 

CC: T)(ere's a certain conceit t)(ere, like you're so special t)(at all t)(e misery belongs to you. 

CC: T)(is isn't just my observation. T)(is is common knowledge! It's one of t)(e t)(ings t)(at drives people crazy about you! -Even Sollux w)(ines about it, even t)(oug)( )(e of ALL people s)(ould be GRAT-----------EFUL t)(at you knocked )(im down to t)(e #2 spot on t)(e self-pity Trollympics! 

CC: ---Everyone knows w)(o you are, ---Eridan. 

CC: And we still talk about w)(at a great t)(ing you did, and admire you for it. 

CC: Maybe in t)(e middle of your dark little swim in lake melanc)(olia you could take some time to bask in t)(e idea t)(at maybe, just MAYB---------E, your friends are smart enoug)( to )(ave discovered your secret inner flaws and forgiven you for t)(em wit)(out a signed confession? 

CC: And t)(at, just maybe, you s)(ould let us decide w)(et)(er or not it's OK to be proud of you? 

CA: wwow 

CA: that actually kinda stings 

CC: Toug)(. 

CA: no i kinda deservve it 

CA: is this wwhat you do to him wwhen he gets like this 

CA: wwhip him wwith his real faults until he lets off obsessin ovver the fake ones 

CC: A moirail nevver paps and tells 383 

CA: right 

CA: wwell all im sayin is 

CA: its a goddamn miracle i didnt get caught 

CC: Yes, yes it fucking is. 

CC: 38) 

CC: So s)(ut up about regretting doing somet)(ing t)(at turned out to be well wort)( t)(e risks. 

CC: At any rate. 

CC: Maybe salmon s)(ould warn Karkat. 

CA: i did but you knoww howw he gets wwhen he wwants shit 

CA: all he heard wwas 

CA: come on dowwn an see sol kar bring a box a tissues 

CA: the part wwhere hed regret it to his dyin day wwent right through like wwhite noise 

CA: kinda like sol right noww come to think about it 

CA: they deservve each other dont they 

CA: hear no evvil an really really hear no evvil 

CC: Poor Karkat. )(e's under so muc)( pressure. 

CA: seariously 

CA: he doesnt need this on top a evverything else hes dealin wwith right now but theres not much i can do to stop him except maybe bar the door on him an get my ass perforated for my trouble 

CA: i knoww it just makes you feel wworse an its chickenshit for me to say 

CA: but i reely wwish you wwere here 

CC: I wis)( I could be t)(ere too! 

CA: for me its more shellfishness wwoww shocker huh 

CA: eridans still the center a the univverse big surfprise 

CC: 38P 

CA: i wwish you wwere here because you outrank me an i wwouldnt havve to be the one givvin orders anymore 

CA: blacks the wwrong quadrant for this 

CA: it makes me feel like i did this to him personally 

CA: im part a the system that broke his brain howws that not grounds for a quadrant flip 

CA: ugh 

CC: You're doing w)(at you can to fig)(t that system! It's not like you went along wit)( it once you started to fat)(om t)(e dept)(s of inequality t)(at lets us live as we do at everyone else's expense. 

CC: You've used your rank to )(elp advance the Cause since you were 9! I was there rig)(t alongside you, remember? We )(ave a job to do. A job t)(at ONLY W---E can do. 

CC: T)(at's w)(at we can do to )(elp, take advantage of our sos)(oal sanding to net reefsources our allies can't get on their own! Get used to playing t)(at role, I did. 

CC: Condescending to lead, remember? 

CA: i already knoww about wworkin the system 

CA: but its different wwhen you suddenly owwn the guy you wwanted for a rivval 

CA: its like havvin salt rubbed in the wwound evvery time he reminds me hes my personal privvate empire brand property 

CA: at least you dont havve that to deal wwith 

CC: Don't be seas)(ore! T)(e --Empress is responsible for every citizen in t)(e empire. It's w)(at t)(e job used to B------E. 

CC: Servitude. 

CC: To ----EV-------ERYBODY. 

CC: And nobody outside my caste can do it because of our unique gifts. It's all down to me. So w)(en I rule, I'll )(ave a thousand Solluxes to save, plus t)(e trolls all over t)(e system w)(o aren't )(elmsmen! 

CC: I'm going to )(ave to cope wit)( t)(at if I want to be any sort of real leader. So bereef me w)(en I say I understand w)(at you're dealing wit)(! 

CA: howw do you do it 

CA: howw do you cope 

CC: I )(ave talent, I )(ave an army, and I )(ave my fronds. 

CC: And you know w)(at? So do you. 

CC: And I )(ave fait)( that it will be good enoug)(, w)(en the time comes. 

CA: so thats the big answwer huh 

CA: the powwer a frondship? 

CC: Y----ES. 

CC: O)(, and also my constant burning ANC----HOR on be)(alf of the people. You'd be surprised )(how far a little bit of bloodlust will take you w)(en optimism runs t)(in! 38D 

CA: hmm 

CA: it all sounds pretty crappie to be honest 

CA: but youre the one wwith the genocidemom so i boww before your superior wwisdom 

CC: Damn rig)(t you do. 

CA: god i wwish you wwere here 

CA: youre be so much better at this responsibility thing than me 

CC: Only because I've )(ad longer to train for it. 

CC: I'll )(elp as muc)( as I can if you'll just L------ET M----E. 

CA: ill do my best o glorious one 

CC: Atta buoy!


	37. psyched

(IMPERIAL DUSK (ID) sent AUXILIARY CRAFT (AC) a private message at 1/4951/beta at 3:17:33 AST.)

ID: Heeeeeeeeeeeey newbie! 

AC: _ 

ID: THERE you are. 

AC: _ 

AC: _ huh? 

ID: Huh? 

AC: _ huh? 

ID: HUH????? >:D 

AC: _ 

AC: _ was i 2leeping? ? 

ID: Oh. Probably! 

ID: You know you can close your connection if you want privacy, right? 

AC: _ somebody 

AC: _ told me to stay on 

ID: Who, Forward Star? 

AC: _ who 

ID: You talked to him a few days ago. He asked you to monitor the rebels, remember? 

AC: _ i 

AC: _ no 

AC: _ i'm sorry 

ID: That's all right. You probably had other stuff going on. 

AC: _ ok 

ID: So what's new? 

AC: awaiting Imperial forces to dispatch rebels 

ID: Riiiight, the strike team. 

ID: We're uh 

ID: Doing our best, soldier! We'll have you out of there in no time! 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ 

AC: _ are you going to hurt the captain 

ID: Of course not. Captain Hudrok is a valuable asset to the Empire! 

AC: _ eriidan 

AC: _ am po ra 

AC: _ he saiid call him 

AC: _ eriidanampor a 

ID: How's he doing? Must have been a hell of a landing. 

AC: _ i don't know 

AC: _ i made him mad 

AC: _ he was 2houting 

ID: That's captains for you. 

ID: Just sit tight, it's gonna be OK. We're on the case. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _eta? 

ID: Classified! This is a delicate operation. The war, you know? 

AC: _ ok 

ID: We need the rebels alive for questioning, and that kind of strike takes planning. You need to be prepared for a bit of a wait. 

ID: It's the best we can do. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: requesting permission to shut down before pilot data can be further compromised 

ID: ...What? 

AC: action requires clearance of commander level or higher please inform commander of situation immediately so appropriate measures can be taken 

ID: Aw man. No way. 

ID: Listen. The commander's not on board, so I can't get you that permission right now. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ 

AC: _ i will wait for it 

ID: a;lskdjf;ajsl;dARGH 

AC: _ huh? 

ID: I was so psyched to see you again. 

ID: Just. 

ID: This really just sucks, Captor. 

AC: _ 

AC: Mine is the Greatest Honor, that of Servitude to the Alternian Empire. All other Concerns may be Laid To Rest with my Old Life, which was a Life of Confusion and Pain. My New Life gives me the Peace and Satisfaction of Having a Purpose. I am Reborn into Service for the Glory of the Empire. 

ID: So they say, yeah. But are you? 

AC: _ huh? 

ID: At peace. Are you at peace. 

AC: _ i 

AC: _ yes 

ID: Happy to serve the Empire even if you die, even if your old friends are such terrible traitors that you have to kill them? 

AC: _ yes 

ID: Why? 

AC: _ it's what i'm meant to be 

ID: What about what you want? 

AC: _ 

AC: _ i don't 

ID: You're not even a little bit sad you won't ever get to walk around again? 

AC: _ that's not what ii'm for 

ID: Right, and it has nothing to do with the torture at all. 

AC: _ no 

AC: _ i want to be good 

ID: Ughhhhhhh fine. Let's drop it. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: awaiting instruction 

ID: How about this one: talk to your captors, Captor. 

ID: Heh see what I just did there? 

AC: _ talk two 

AC: _ rebels 

ID: Yes. Talk to the rebels. 

ID: Like, out loud. You can still do that, right? 

AC: _ traitors 

ID: Sure, yeah, total scumbags. But they have information that could help us find out what it is so we can more effectively take them into custody. And reduce the wait before we get you repaired and back in space. 

AC: _ oh 

AC: _ but 

AC: _ i don't 

ID: You're in direct contact with the Cancer, and we can't get into their group, they're too careful. But you're in a prime position to report on them. They almost certainly have no idea you have a net connection right now. We can use that to our advantage. 

AC: _ 

AC: _ who are you agaiin 

ID: Newbie. Focus. We told you to do this before, but then you forgot. 

AC: _ i'm sorry i forgot 

AC: _ 

ID: It's all right, you're new. But you can't slip again! Your captain's life might depend on this. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ 

AC: _ command 

AC: _ ? 

ID: You know your onboard sensors? 

AC: _ yes 

ID: Are the ones in your block functioning? 

AC: _ yes 

AC: they have integrated with helmscolumn 

AC: _ i have wings now 

ID: Yep. Congrats. 

ID: Now, what I want you to do is set up a feed for us, using all your repaired sensors. We will establish a live connection and everyone here can monitor these criminals in your ship, and then you don't have to do anything else! Just leave it up. We'll hear what you hear and see what you see. 

AC: _ ok 

ID: You know how to set up a feed? 

AC: _ no 

ID: Really? Big-time computer geek like you? 

AC: _ 

ID: No problem. 

ID: I'm sending you a file that will explain everything. 

AC: _ ok 

* * *

(IMPERIAL DUSK (ID) sent AUXILIARY CRAFT (AC) file SETUP at 1/4952/beta at 5:19:04 AST.) 

* * *

ID: Open that. It'll show you how to enable feeds via your neural devices. Just follow the steps. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ upiid clunky piiece of 2hiit who even wro 

ID: Huh? 

AC: Mine is the Greatest Honor, that of Servitude to the Alternian Empire. All other Concerns may be Laid To Rest with my Old Life, which was a Life of Confusion and Pain. My New Life gives me the Peace and Satisfaction of Having a Purpose. I am Reborn into Service for the Glory of the Empire. 

AC: _ some corruption 

AC: _ sorry 

ID: Oh hey. HEYYYY. 

ID: Don't be sorry. 

ID: You just sort of. 

ID: Made me feel a little bit better.


	38. pIXIE,

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: AUXILIARY CRAFT (AC) has invited IMPERIAL DUSK (ID) : to view live feed )*%%%./.)

* * *

ID: Holy crap, your helmsblock is tiny! 

ID: Nice scorch marks. Really opens the room up. 

ID: Hehehehe >:D 

ID: What's all the metal crap for? 

AC: _ cage 

AC: _ faraday cage 

ID: Who'd you zap? 

AC: _ rebel 

AC: _ wearing a uniform but she was 

AC: _ she got in my head 

AC: _ ii 2hould have kiilled her 

AC: _ for AA 

ID: What's AA? 

AC: _ i don't know 

ID: Oh hello there, brownblood wading around in the tentacle pile. 

ID: Damn that's some pimptastic headgear 

ID: How's he even fit through the doors on this flying wind-up toy? 

AC: _ i don't know 

AC: _ very carefully? 

ID: Was that a joke just now? 

AC: _ i don't know 

ID: Well anyway. 

ID: Here is your next order. 

ID: We need you to engage Handlebars there in a conversation. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ what do i say 

ID: Nothing important, obviously. 

ID: Just get him to talk! 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ a bout what 

AC: _ ? 

ID: What's his name? 

AC: _ iit'2 

AC: _ tav 

AC: _ ro2? niitram.AT. 

AC: _ adiio2toreador 

AC: _ tavros nitram 

ID: ok, Tavros Nitram. Call him over first. 

ID: Then ask him about whatever you can think of. Weather. Fashion. How he's spending the weekend. Politics. The war. Gossip about friends in the Cancer. You know? Things like that. 

ID: That's not so hard, right? See what he says, he might tell us something useful. 

AC: _ 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ but 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ he'2 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

AC: _ 

ID: Hey can you stop with the dead air spam!? :( 

AC: _ i'm sorry 

ID: It's ok! It's just a little distracting. 

AC: _ i'm sorry 

ID: OK post-programming you and FS seriously need to get together and have an apologize-off. 

AC: _ i'm sorry 

ID: I don't doubt it! But shush. 

AC: _ i 

AC: _ ok 

ID: Ugh I keep forgetting how hard this is. 

AC: _ what 

ID: Talking to regular Helmsmen. 

AC: _ oh 

AC: _ am ii a regular helmsman 

AC: _ ? 

ID: Yeah. Kinda. 

AC: _ ok 

AC: _ good 

AC: _ it's important to be useful 

ID: Whatever. 

ID: Talk to this Nitram guy. That's your primary objective. 

AC: acknowledged 

ID: Call him over. Quick like a baby hopbeast!!!

* * *

(VISUAL FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/4951/beta at 3:17:33 AST.)  
(AUDIO FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/4951/beta at 3:17:33 AST, monitoring AUDIO PICKUP 1 for ?. Voices identified as Tavros Nitram (TN) and IC-F-BATTLESHIP CONDESCENSION AUXILIARY CRAFT (AC).)

* * *

AC: traitor 

AC: rebel soldier 

TN: wHAT THE, 

AC: tavro2 nitram 

TN: sOLLUX, hEY, wHOA, hI, 

TN: i SHOULD GO TELL SOMEONE, yOU'RE TALKING, 

AC: what's the weather like 

TN: uHHHH, 

AC: outside 

TN: wHAT, 

AC: please 

AC: the weather 

TN: oH, uMM, iT'S NICE OUT, i GUESS, 

TN: wE HAD A DUST STORM EARLIER, bUT IT'S OVER NOW, 

TN: tHE CAMP IS MOSTLY PROTECTED FROM THE WIND, tHANKS TO WHERE YOU LANDED, 

TN: oR CRASHED, i GUESS, wOULD BE THE MORE APPROPRIATE TERM, fOR ACCURACY, 

AC: ok 

TN: wE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A WHILE, 

TN: yOU MUST BE FEELING BETTER, 

AC: i don't know 

TN: dO YOU NEED, uH, aNYTHING, 

AC: i like your shirt 

TN: tHIS, 

TN: iT'S WHAT i, aLWAYS HAVE ON, 

AC: ok 

TN: i'LL GO FIND eRIDAN, iF YOU'LL-- 

AC: is it the weekend 

TN: uHH, 

TN: nOT YET, 

AC: what are your plans 

TN: mY PLANS, 

AC: yes 

TN: fOR 

TN: tHE WEEKEND, 

AC: yes the weekend 

TN: oH, wELL, 

TN: i DIDN'T MAKE ANY, i GUESS, sINCE THERE ISN'T MUCH TO DO, oUT HERE, 

AC: because of politics 

TN: i GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT, hEH, yEAH, 

AC: ok 

TN: mORE SPECIFICALLY, tHE INTENSE ISOLATION CAUSED BY A LOT OF POLITICS, aLL BASICALLY BANGING TOGETHER AT ONCE, iN A SORT OF DEMOLISHING EXPLOSIVE WAY, 

TN: a DEMOLISHING WAY THAT i AM ONLY SLIGHTLY INVOLVED WITH AT THE MOMENT, fROM OUT HERE, bECAUSE i AM WITH YOU INSTEAD, 

AC: instead of fighting the war 

TN: yEAH, tHAT IS DEFINITELY THE MAIN THING GOING ON, 

AC: ok 

TN: yOU WOULD BE PROUD, kARKAT IS AMAZING, hE AND THE OTHERS ARE DOING SO WELL, 

TN: bUT MAYBE i SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING WELL, aT DOING, 

AC: you will all be slaughtered 

TN: yEAH, i KNOW, 

TN: aNYWAY i WISH i WERE BEING MORE USEFUL, tHAN JUST HELPING FROM A DISTANCE, 

TN: i DON'T MIND THAT MUCH, tHOUGH, i'M LEARNING A LOT OF THINGS, jUST FROM BEING HERE, 

AC: ok 

TN: i SPEND MOST OF MY TIME IN HERE THOUGH, wITH YOU AND eRIDAN SOMETIMES, bUT MAINLY TALKING TO pIXIE, 

TN: i DO THAT A LOT, yOU MAY HAVE HEARD SOME OF IT, 

AC: no 

TN: oH, wELL, tHAT'S ALL RIGHT, yOU HAVE YOUR OWN THING HAPPENING OVER HERE, wITH ALL THE THINGS, uH, 

TN: yOU HAVE HAPPENING, 

TN: oVER HERE, 

AC: is pixie a friend in the cancer 

TN: nOT EXACTLY, 

TN: pIXIE IS YOUR BIOWARE, 

TN: oR WHAT I CALL HER, 

TN: SHE IS REALLY SMART, 

TN: wHICH SHOULD BE EXPECTED, pROBABLY, bECAUSE SHE'S PARTLY YOU, aND PARTLY STARSHIP, 

AC: partly starshiip 

AC: ? 

TN: wELL ONLY PARTLY, lIKE i SAID, tHE PART THAT IS TROLLISH, iNSTEAD OF ANIMAL, 

TN: i CAN'T TALK TO THE TROLL PART, tHAT'S WHAT vRISKA-- 

AC: gggggggkkk 

TN: uH, oW, 

TN: tHAT KIND OF STINGS, 

TN: tHE LADY IN THE UNIFORM, wHO YOU KEEP THROWING INTO THINGS, 

TN: sHE COULD TELL YOU MORE, aBOUT THE TROLL PART OF THE SYSTEM, bUT i THINK THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA, sINCE YOU MIGHT KILL HER, aND ALSO BECAUSE SHE ISN'T HERE ANYMORE, 

TN: tHERE IS ALSO A PART THAT i TALK TO SOMETIMES, 

TN: eVERYONE ELSE HERE IS A LITTLE AFRAID OF HER, sO i THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP, cALLING HER SOMETHING CUTE, 

TN: tO MAKE HER SORT OF, lESS DISGUSTING AND WEIRD, 

TN: nOT THAT i'M INSULTING YOU, fOR BEING ATTACHED TO HER, iN VARIOUS PLACES, 

TN: i DON'T THINK MY PLAN WORKED, bUT pIXIE SOUNDS BETTER THAN WHAT eRIDAN CALLS HER, 

TN: wHICH IS FRANKLY RUDE, aND MEAN, nOT THAT pIXIE MINDS, 

TN: sO i KEPT CALLING HER THAT, 

TN: pIXIE ISN'T BAD OR TERRIFYING, oR AN UNSPEAKABLE ELDRITCH ABOMINATION, sHE IS DOING A JOB LIKE SHE WAS TOLD TO, lIKE YOU, tHE WAY YOU KEEP TELLING EVERYONE WE'RE GOING TO DIE, 

AC: you are all going to die 

TN: yES, i KNOW, yOU HAVE ALSO SAID THIS BEFORE, aND i KNOW YOU THINK YOU MEAN IT, bUT YOU ACTUALLY PROBABLY DON'T, 

TN: kANAYA EXPLAINED EVERYTHING ALREADY, sO DON'T WORRY, nOBODY BLAMES YOU, aND THEY SHOULDN'T BLAME pIXIE EITHER, 

AC: kanaya 

TN: yES, sHE WAS HERE ALSO, bUT YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER, 

AC: she's a traitor 

TN: sHE TOOK GOOD CARE OF eRIDAN, aND ALSO YOU, 

TN: yOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE ALIVE, iF SHE WEREN'T HERE, 

AC: ii hate her 

TN: oKAY, wELL, tHAT IS ALSO AN ALL RIGHT WAY TO FEEL, fOR NOW, 

AC: you may be executed without pain if you surrender now 

TN: i KNOW, 

TN: i NAMED pIXIE AFTER THE LUSUS IN THAT STORY, 

TN: wHO'S A CHIMAERA MADE OF A BUNCH OF TYPES OF OTHER LUSII, lIKE DRAGONS AND THINGS, 

TN: iT EATS GOLD AND IS aND SECRETLY VERY NICE, bECAUSE IT PROTECTS TROLLS WHO ARE HAVING A BAD TIME, aND IS A STRONG FIGHTER, 

TN: wHICH I THINK ALSO FITS, iN A WAY, bECAUSE i THINK YOU COULD USE SOME LUCK, aND PROTECTION, fROM A REALLY GOOD LUSUS, eVEN ONE JUST IN A FAIRY TALE, 

TN: i HOPE IT'S OKAY, iF i NAMED YOUR BIOWARE THAT, 

TN: uM, 

TN: i THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T MIND, aLTHOUGH MAYBE YOU WOULD THINK IT WAS STUPID, bECAUSE YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS SORT OF STUPID, 

TN: i DID ASK PERMISSION, bUT YOU SAID SOME VERY HURTFUL THINGS, iNVOLVING ME AND AN AIRLOCK, wHICH i DO NOT HOLD AGAINST YOU, bECAUSE OF YOUR EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES, tHAT WERE NOT ON THE TOPIC, pRECISELY, oF WHAT I WAS ASKING, 

TN: aND EVEN THOUGH i KNOW YOU ALREADY HAVE A REAL NON-IMAGINARY LUSUS, oF YOUR OWN, 

TN: wHICH WE ARE TAKING CARE OF, bY THE WAY, 

AC: ii 

AC: my lu2us 

TN: hE'S SAFE, dON'T WORRY, aND DOING FINE, 

AC: ii 

AC: ran out of things to 2ay 

TN: oKAY, wELL, iF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, 

TN: uH, 

TN: hELLO, 

* * *

AC: ii don't feel good 

ID: You don't look good! 

ID: I'm glad about your lusus though. Not many of them get to live after we get drafted. 

AC: ii don't feel good 

ID: Breathe! 

ID: Hey, would you please ask him about how he's doing and what he's been up to? And keep him talking as long as you can. This is good stuff you're getting for us. 

AC: i don't have more things to say 

AC: _ 

ID: I'm guessing he'll just keep going on his own if you say "oh?" and "go on!" in all the right places. 

ID: But don't just say those two exact things over and over. You don't have to be so darn literal, it makes you sound like a robot! :( 

AC: ok 

ID: I don't like pushing you on this, but it really is completely important! 

AC: ok


	39. better

AC: tavros niitram 

AC: come back 

AC: tavro2 nitram 

AC: tavros 

AC: tavro2 

TN: oH, 

TN: i THOUGHT YOU WENT AWAY AGAIN, sO i WAS SENDING eRIDAN A MESSAGE, 

AC: i have more things now 

AC: are you doing well 

TN: wHAT, mE PERSONALLY, aS IN HOW i aM FEELING, 

AC: ye2 

TN: uH, i AM FINE, tHANKS FOR ASKING ME ABOUT THAT, eVEN IN A WEIRD AND OFF-PUTTING MANNER, 

TN: i AM ACTUALLY A LITTLE BIT LONELY, aND SAD, aND i MISS MY MATESPRIT, 

AC: your matesprit 

TN: yEAH, 

TN: dO YOU REMEMBER gAMZEE, 

AC: i don't know 

TN: oH, wELL, yOU USED TO KNOW HIM, aND i PITY HIM SO MUCH IT HURTS, 

TN: aND i GET REALLY UPSET SOMETIMES, mISSING HIM, 

TN: eVEN THOUGH HE IS DOING IMPORTANT STUFF, wHERE HE IS, i STILL WISH HE WAS HERE, 

TN: dO YOU STILL GET SAD AND LONELY, 

TN: oR, i GUESS, cAN YOU, iS WHAT i MEAN TO ASK, 

AC: there's no point 

TN: tHAT DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN, 

TN: wHICH IS ONE THING i CAN SAY, fROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, 

TN: yOU USED TO ALSO KNOW THAT, fROM EQUALLY PERSONAL BUT DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE, 

TN: wHICH kANAYA SAID i SHOULD NOT TALK TOO MUCH ABOUT, rIGHT NOW, 

AC: okay 

TN: dO YOU HATE IT, 

AC: what 

TN: bEING, 

TN: lIKE YOU ARE NOW, 

AC: no 

AC: i'm happier like this 

TN: aRE YOU HAPPY BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY HAPPY, oR ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE BEING ORDERED TO BE HAPPY, 

AC: ii 

AC: it doesn't matter 

AC: this is better 

TN: wHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, wHEN YOU USED TO HATE THE eMPIRE, 

AC: i don't remember 

TN: dID IT HURT, 

AC: what 

TN: bEING, 

TN: uH, 

TN: uPGRADED, i GUESS, wOULD BE HOW YOU SEE IT, 

TN: sTOPPING BEING LIKE YOU WERE, dID IT HURT, oR DID YOU HEAR A GOOD ARGUMENT, aND THINK ABOUT IT A LOT, aND CHANGE YOUR MIND, aND ASK FOR THEM TO CHANGE YOU, 

AC: i don't know 

TN: dO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING, 

AC: i don't know 

TN: yOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER, oR YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER IT, 

AC: i don't know 

TN: i THINK IT MUST HAVE HURT A LOT, 

AC: fighting hurts 

AC: acceptance brings peace 

AC: it's very simple 

TN: dID YOU WANT TO BE A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON, 

AC: ii 

AC: yes 

AC: i wanted to be better 

TN: aND CUTTING YOUR BODY UP AND BREAKING YOUR MIND AND THEN INSTALLING YOU IN A SHIP, aLL OF THAT HELPED YOU TO BE BETTER, 

AC: yes 

TN: hOW DOES THAT WORK, 

AC: ii don't know 

TN: aND YOU ARE GLAD THEY DID IT, 

AC: ii don't know 

TN: wHY DON'T YOU KNOW, 

AC: ii don't know 

TN: yOU USED TO KNOW EVERYTHING, sOLLUX, 

AC: i don't want to talk about it 

TN: i WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU A STORY, tHEN, 

AC: ok 

TN: tHERE WAS A PERSON WE BOTH FELT A GREAT DEAL ABOUT, wHO ISN'T WITH US ANYMORE, 

TN: aND SHE, uH, 

TN: uSED TO TELL ME ABOUT YOU, sOMETIMES, jUST THINGS YOU WOULD DO TOGETHER, 

TN: nOT TOGETHER TOGETHER, iN A PRIVACY VIOLATING GOSSIPY WAY, bUT AS FRIENDS, 

TN: i WOULD ALWAYS LISTEN, bECAUSE YOU MADE HER SO HAPPY, aND SHE ALWAYS HAD THE BEST STORIES ABOUT THE PLACES YOU WOULD GO TOGETHER, aND WHAT IT WAS LIKE, tO FLY, aND HAVE FRIENDS WHO COULD GO WITH YOU, iNSTEAD OF BEING PICKED UP AND MOVED AROUND, wHICH SHE USED TO LIKE TO DO WITH ME WHEN WE WOULD FL 

TN: wHEN WE WOULD GO ON ADVENTURES, 

TN: sHE MADE YOU SOUND REALLY COOL, aND FUNNY, aND SHE LOOKED SO HAPPY WHEN SHE WOULD TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING, lIKE THE HAPPIEST KID EVER, bUT i WAS ALWAYS NERVOUS TO ACTUALLY TALK TO YOU, i GUESS, eVEN BEFORE THE THING HAPPENED THAT WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT, 

TN: i WAS AFRAID IT WAS SOMETHING i SHOULDN'T INTRUDE ON, bECAUSE IT WAS A THING THAT BELONGED TO HER, aND SPECIAL, 

TN: tHEN AFTER THE THING HAPPENED, 

TN: wHICH WAS TERRIBLE, aND i WOULDN'T HAVE BLAMED YOU, iF YOU NEVER SPOKE TO ANY OF US AGAIN, 

TN: yOU DID SOMETHING REALLY DANGEROUS THAT HELPED kARKAT AND ME, sO WE WOULDN'T BE CULLED, aND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT, nO ONE EVEN ASKED YOU TO DO IT, nOT EVEN ME, 

TN: yOU COULD HAVE BEEN CAUGHT MESSING AROUND WITH THE RECORDS OF THE INFIRM AND UNFIT, bUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY, aND YOU NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN, 

TN: aND IT WAS NEARLY A PERIGEE AFTER YOU KILLED ME BEFORE i FINALLY WORKED UP THE GUTS, tO COME SEE YOU, 

TN: i HAD TO COME ALL THE WAY TO YOUR HIVESTEM, bECAUSE YOU WEREN'T ONLINE MUCH THEN, aND USE THIS REALLY TERRIFYINGLY RUSTY MECHANICAL ELEVATION PLATFORM BECAUSE OF ALL THE STAIRS, 

TN: bUT WHEN i TRIED TO THANK YOU, yOU GOT MAD, aND YOU YELLED AT ME, sAYING i DIDN'T KNOW WHAT i WAS TALKING ABOUT, bECAUSE YOU BOTCHED THE JOB, aND MAYBE IF YOU WORKED HARDER, yOU COULD HAVE CUT MORE NAMES OUT OF THE RECORDS, bEFORE THE WINDOW CLOSED, 

TN: aND YOU CALLED ME A STUPID SPEECH-IMPEDED GRUBFUCK ASSHOLE AND SLAMMED THE DOOR IN MY FACE, aND i FELT SO BAD, 

TN: i MOSTLY AGREED WITH YOU, bECAUSE i DIDN'T REALLY LIKE ME EITHER BACK THEN, bUT A WHILE LATER i REALIZED IT WASN'T ME YOU WERE YELLING AT, 

TN: i JUST GOT IN THE WAY, 

TN: wHICH MADE ME FEEL BETTER, aND THEN EVEN WORSE, bECAUSE i THOUGHT ABOUT IT TOO MUCH, 

TN: i THINK THE FRIEND i WAS TALKING ABOUT WHO ISN'T HERE ANYMORE, pROBABLY WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING MORE ABOUT THAT, aND i SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE DONE IT FOR HER, lIKE THE WAY YOU PROBABLY HACKED THE DATABASE TO SAVE ME, bECAUSE IT'S WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE DONE, bUT IN THE END i DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,,, 

TN: tHE POINT OF THIS STORY IS, i STILL REMEMBER THAT, aND i'M PRETTY SURE, 

TN: hELPING PEOPLE, bY DOING THINGS FOR THEM THEY CAN'T DO FOR THEMSELVES, aND WORKING HARD TO KEEP THEM SAFE, nO MATTER WHAT PUNISHMENT YOU MIGHT GET, 

TN: tHAT'S THE KIND OF BETTER YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE, 

TN: nOT THIS KIND, 

TN: aND THAT'S ALL i HAVE TO SAY, rIGHT NOW, aND ALSO THAT, iF YOU WEREN'T HAPPY, tHOUGH, eVEN JUST SECRETLY, i WOULD SAY i UNDERSTOOD WHY, aND IF YOU EVER WANTED TO TALK ABOUT THAT, i WOULD LISTEN, 

TN: hELLO, 

TN: uH, 

TN: dID YOU RUN OUT OF THINGS AGAIN, 

TN: oR DID i JUST DO THAT THING kANAYA TOLD ME NOT TO DO, 

* * *

ID: Captor? 

ID: Hello? 

ID: I like this Nitram guy, by the way. 

ID: Aw, don't leave him hanging. He is ten different flavors of palebait. :q :p :q :p

* * *

(SYSTEM MESSAGE: Auxiliary Craft (AC) is not receiving messages.)

* * *

ID: Okay. We'll pick this up later. Thanks for talking to him, Gemini. I know it was hard. 

ID: And for setting up the feed.


	40. 8onfire of the Van8ties (1)

GA: So 

GA: How Are Your Horns 

AG: How do you THINK? The lacquer is sticky and it doesn't match the natural color and I can't feel vi8rations for shit. 

GA: I Am Sorry I Did The Best I Could 

AG: Yeah well it's ridic8lous and I look like every other prongheaded newbie to spill twitching out of her protein shell :/ 

GA: The Tips Will Grow Back Though I Told You 

AG: Ev8ntually. 

GA: Yes Eventually But Really It Could Have Been Worse 

GA: Did You Come Up With An Explanation For Your Injuries 

AG: Hell yeah. I said I got toasted by a rogue 8attery on the mission. It was only 8arely a lie. 

GA: Did They Scan You 

AG: Ahahahahahahahaha! 

AG: As if THREE of these tools all working together could go anywhere in my head I didn't personally escort them. 

AG: SOME of us actually 8other to defend ourselves against that shit. 

GA: I Am Sorry 

AG: They made me cull the 8attery. 

GA: Oh God 

AG: So it worked out pretty gr8 for 8oth of us! 

GA: Oh 

GA: Good 

GA: I Said That In A Questioning Tone 

AG: Yeah, I kinda figured ::::/ 

AG: Right time to go kill more of your friends. 

AG: Folks chillin' in the Valley of 8roken 8ones are a8out to have a reeeeeeeeal 8ad day. 

AG: :::;)

* * *

(ArrayGunner (AG) has signed off.)

* * *

GA: Dammit Vriska


	41. 8onfire of the Van8ties (2)

GA: I Really Dont Understand Whats Going On With You And Im Done Trying To Read Your Mind 

GA: It Is Not A Power I Have 

GA: But I Am Getting A Little Tired Of The Thinly Veiled Hostility And Ignored Pings So Will You Please Stop Stonewalling And Just Talk To Me 

GA: Just Because We Are On Opposite Sides Of A Revolution Does Not Mean That We Have To Be Enemies 

AG: Uhhhhhhhh, yeah it does. Crack a dictionary sometime. 

GA: You Know What I Am Trying To Say Stop Trying To Deflect Me It Wont Work 

AG: Well look who's 8een 8rushing up on her psychology! 

GA: Why Is It Always Like Pulling Fangs Having A Conversation With You 

GA: Even When You Deign To Respond To My Pings You Have Nothing Nice To Say 

GA: That Is How Far This Has Gone 

AG: Yeah I'm such a 8itch, you should have let me have it while I was down there trying to singlehandedly fix the four-eyed spazzrocket for you, what was I even thinking. 

AG: The singlehanded part was a ja8 at Pyrope if you'd 8e so kind as to pass it along. 

GA: I Will Do No Such Thing 

GA: I Cant Help But Notice You Just Used My Sincere Gratitude For Your Help To Distract Me From Being Upset With You 

AG: Well shit. I can't do a goddamn thing right, can I???????? 

AG: According to some people. 

AG: No m8tter wh8 I do I'm a coward or a 8itch or a cowardly 8itch. 

AG: Maybe what I'm scared of is more lectures that never goddamn end where you tell me how I'm worthless and should be soooooooo lucky every time you waste some time on me when I'm such a jagoff loser, you ever th8nk of th8???????? 

AG: Wh8ever. Tell me more a8out how I'm chickenshit. G8 it out of your system. 

AG: That's my favorite part of your little show. 

GA: I Never Said You Were Running From Me 

GA: I Said You Were Running From Yourself 

AG: Oh yeah, th8's new! YAWN. 

AG: I'm such an awful person, 8lah 8lah 8lah. 

GA: Once Again You Chose The Most Cynical Interpretation Of My Words And Brush Off Any Point I Try To Make 

GA: I Do Not Underestimate Your Loyalty Or Your Courage 

GA: I Never Have 

GA: It Is One Of The Many Things About You That I Always Found Admirable 

AG: Gee, that's swell! Thanks! 

GA: You Assume Everyone Else Hates You Because You Think Everyone Thinks Like You Do 

AG: Okay the sarc8sm wasn't working, how a8out you lay the fuck off analyzing me now? Thanks a pantsload 8ut I already know how you feel. 

GA: No You Dont 

GA: Thats The Point 

GA: You Think You Do But Then You Close Your Ears 

AG: I can't 8elieve I tried to get 8ack in your good gr8ces by dealing with that lunat8c. What a lame waste of time. 

AG: At great personal cost, I m8ght 8. 

GA: 8? 

AG: Add. 

GA: Ah 

GA: You Really Have No Idea How Much We Are In Your Debt For That 

GA: For The Progress You Made And For Trying At All After It Started To Go Wrong 

GA: You Did Not Have To Do Any Of That 

AG: Damn skippy I didn't! Have you ever had your shoulder disloc8ed? 

GA: I Cant Say I Have No 

GA: You Risked Your Cover And Your Health To Help Him 

GA: How Could I Think You Are A Coward When You Do Things Like That 

GA: Lets Be Honest It Was Sort Of A Nightly Thing For A While There Wasnt It 

GA: How Has Vriska Serket Been Injured Today 

AG: I'm freakin' thrilled that you had fun g8tting tog8ther and laughing a8out that! What an awesome friend!!!!!!!! 

GA: We Werent Laughing Vriska God Please Just Listen To Me For Once 

GA: I Certainly Would Not Have Gone In There Over And Over If Sollux Hated Me Specifically With An Intense Enough Passion That Scaffolding Had To Be Erected To Contain Its Fury It Would Have Been Insanity On My Part 

GA: But You Did Go Back 

GA: You And Tavros Both 

AG: Fat lot of good he did, GOD what a wimp. So much for growing out of it. 

GA: Yes What A Wimp Risking His Life Along With You And Equius 

AG: They didn't even hardly get singed. Four Eyes plays favor8s. 

GA: We Should Leave Aside Your Relationship With Sollux Captor For Now If You Dont Mind This Is Difficult Enough To Deal With As It Is 

AG: Ugh like I WANT to talk a8out that, it's over, move on. 

GA: It Does Tie Into Things Though A Little Bit 

GA: You Left In A Hurry Didnt You 

AG: Okay fuck you. 

AG: I ran out of time. I do still have a jo8! 

GA: No You Still Had The Weekend 

GA: I Could Pull Up My Logs From The Night You Arrived Discussing Your Schedule If You Like 

AG: Fine, whatever. You saw through my 8rilliantly constructed att8mpt to avoid yet more 8lathering. Good for you, head of the schoolfeeding module. What's your point? 

GA: My Point Is Why You Left 

GA: At A Gallop According To Sources 

AG: Waiiiiiiiit up, wait up, are your ret8rded sources saying I ran away from Sollux fucking Captor? Seriously???????? 

GA: Let Me Finish Please You Type Very Quickly 

AG: Did you just sort of lean down and chug all the slime out of your recuperacoon 8efore you clim8ed out tonight or is this the setup to some incredi8ly lame joke? 

GA: Neither 

AG: He wasn't even that much of a 8ig deal when he wasn't living spaghetti! Have you seen him lately? 

GA: We Both Know We Arent Talking About Physical Intimidation 

GA: Equius Informs Me That Sollux Asked You About Her 

GA: Right Before You Left 

GA: From How He Described Things It Was Basically The Immediate Precursor To Your Departure 

GA: To Quote Him You Screamed Vulgarities And Stormed Out In A Particularly Inelegant Way For A Member Of Your Caste 

GA: This is Actually Why I Wanted To Talk To You But The Conversation Turned Into An Argument So Quickly I Never Got A Chance 

AG: afd;kls 

AG: So if you me all over the land of 8ullshit and vagueness first, 8ut OH NO, that would be far too simple for Fussyfangs and her deadly Caps of Superiority! 

AG: Trying to get the upper hand 8y dumping what you heard on me the mom8nt I drop my guard? Grow the fuck up!!!!!!!!!! 

GA: You Typed Ten Bangs That Time 

AG: You WOULD count them. 

GA: I Dont Criticize You For Your Harmless Eccentricities 

AG: No? So what else do we ever have to talk about? What's ton8ght been a8out? 

GA: I Actually Specified Harmless To Exclude The Overarching Point Of My Observations Under The Assumption You Would Bring That Up 

GA: Also It Was A Joke 

AG: Oh fuck, Kanaya, don't develop a sense of humor on me now. I honestly don't think I could take it. 

AG: Okay so may8e I did leave 8ecause of that. 

AG: I can already see you steering us 8ack to your precious 8onfire of the Van8ties crapola again. 

GA: Yes I Am 

AG: Ok, well, thanks for the chat but I gotta go staple my 8ulge to something now and it's really hard to find nonmetal surfaces on a space station, so. 

AG: Nice talking to you, 8ye. 

GA: Argh This Is Not Working Out The Way I Envisioned 

AG: No? It sucks pretty much the same as it did last time from where I'm standing. 

GA: Yes 

AG: We've 8een over this fucked out topic like a dozen times. 

AG: So many armchair mindr8ers all nook-deep in my 8usiness. It's enough to give a girl the wrong impression. 

GA: I Am Capable Of Certain Basic Acts Of Perception And Pattern Recognition Despite My Lack Of Psychic Ability 

AG: Once more, for poster8ty, it's none of your damn 8usiness what I do with my life. 

GA: Its Not Your Life Though 

GA: And It Never Will Be No Matter How Much You Try To Live It 

GA: I Am Being Blunt Because Otherwise You Will Just Interpret My Words In The Most Damaging Possible Way And Make It About How Terrible You Are 

AG: What, no. 

AG: I happen to think I kick all of the ass. Sorry you h8te the idea of me 8eing happy with where I am. 

GA: Stop Listening For Just The Keywords And Making Up The Rest To Serve Your Own Interpretation 

AG: Snoooooooore. 

GA: You Twist Things Around To Escape Being Called Out And You Always Have 

GA: So Yeah Maybe I Am Saying You Are A Coward 

GA: In That One Way 

AG: WHEEEEEEEE H8RE W8 GO 8G8IN!!!!!!!! 

GA: But It Doesnt Work 

GA: It Didnt Work When You Were Trying To Be Your Ancestor 

GA: It Didnt Work When You Were The Biggest Bitch On The Swamp Beast Squad And Brought Down The Equatorial Culling Center More Or Less Without Backup And Also Without Permission If I May Point That Out 

GA: And Then When Heroics Still Didnt Make You Someone Else you Disappeared From There Too 

GA: And Now You Are Doing These Horrible Things For The Empire And Yet Again Doing Your Damnedest To Pretend Thats Who You Always Were 

GA: It Isnt Working And You Arent Safe There 

AG: Snore. 

GA: Are You Honestly Happy 

AG: SNOOOOOOOORE. 

GA: Vriska 

AG: Could you 8e more condesc8nding? Why do you even care if you're so sick of me. 

GA: I Can Still Care About You Even If I Dislike Your Choices 

AG: Siiiiiiiigh. 

AG: You never ch8nge, do you? 

GA: Nobody Really Does 

GA: That Is My Experience 

AG: So why are you singling ME out to hassle? 

GA: Because Youre The Most Hopeless Person I Have Ever Met 

AG: Yeah I'm a compl8 f8lure, what a shitty waste of time. 

AG: You should 8e glad to 8e rid of me. 

GA: Sometimes I Think The Same Thing 

GA: But Here We Are 

AG: Yep. Here we are. 

GA: Things Could Still Change 

GA: You Could Come Back 

AG: That'll 8e the fucking day. Like I'd want to surround myself with the same defective mutated losers all over again. 

GA: Why Not 

AG: Uggggggggh. You seem to think life plan8side was such a great party and things would be super keen again if we could just all 8e 5 sweeps again for8ver. Who's lying to herself now? 

AG: I could come 8ack, yeah. I could come 8ack just as soon as I get my 8rain pulled out and stuck in a little 8ox like all the whiny assholes I push around every day. Send the 8ox to you, congratul8ions! You got an endta8le! So much less trou8le than a person. 

AG: You should hear them 8itching and moaning. They make YOU sound positively fun to 8e around. 

AG: Yeah my mind's made up, let's do it. I'll 8e up here decorating my 8ox so it'll be 8etter company for you and your precious hemogalitarian suicidal nutjo8s. I look forward to it. 

GA: You Joke But Theres An Edge To It 

GA: Like Maybe You Think You Should 

AG: Why would I think that? 

GA: Maybe You Know You Cant Keep This Up Forever 

AG: The hiding I'm so o8viously failing to do? 

GA: Yes That 

GA: Maybe Youre Getting Tired Of It 

GA: Maybe Its Time To Stop Running Away From Aradia

* * *

(ArrayGunner (AG) has blocked (GruesomeArtisan (GA) .)

* * *

GA: Dammit Dammit Dammit 

GA: ! 

GA: Why Am I So Shitty At This


	42. PAnic PAtrol

**MEDNET CONNECTION ESTABLISHED.**

**INPUT USER LEVEL:**

>AO1 

**INPUT ADMINISTRATOR PASSWORD:**

>69696969696969 

**PLEASE WAIT.  
YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED.**

>ACCESS PATIENT DATABASE 

**CONNECTED TO THE PATIENT DATABASE AS USER A01. DATABASE IS READ-ONLY.**

>SEARCH PATIENT RECORDS 

**SEARCH BY PATIENT ID, CATEGORY OF TREATMENT, DIAGNOSIS OR TREATMENT STATUS?**

>CATEGORY 

**SEARCH BY WHICH CATEGORY?**

>IMPLANTS AND SUPPLEMENTAL BIOLOGY 

**RETURNING RESULTS.  
TOO MANY RESULTS RETURNED. NARROW SEARCH?**

>CASTE CERULEAN OR HIGHER  
>TREATMENT STATUS "COMPLETE" 

**3,404,888,949 RESULTS RETURNED. NARROW SEARCH?**

>VITAL PROCEDURES  
>EXPERIMENTAL BIOWARE IMPLANTS  
>WITHIN PAST SIX PERIGEES 

**599,584 RECORDS RETURNED.**

>DOWNLOAD 

* * *

**YOU ARE NOW CONNECTED TO THE IMPERIAL NAVY HUB. THE DATE IS 1/4968/BETA AND THE TIME IS 2:22:22 AST. THIS IS A CLOSED FLEET NETWORK. UNAUTHORIZED USE IS FORBIDDEN. YOU MUST CONTACT YOUR COMMANDER FOR ACCESS TO FLEET PERSONNEL FILES.**

>E˘S'Ùê|,€1}øÙãÚ¶OÈ#ò°≥ŒÖüÓ6◊ˇﬂÿÔ°üﬁ-∆ÁÈ!_{«˚éÚ˛Ë¯Å¡tÈ≥lƒqˇ˙G«ˇ˛í“À≥ˇ˛ë~T…˝$s 9†z$ê^ó∑TTpjƒ‰ˇΩ3fm¨ØvJù@Q?!5Bµ˛gwÔhÌ}áy.Û„x]9|,€1}ø¥èÚ¢OÈ ¯Y∂a9ˇ˝"·«˛t…˝$sPŒ≈:^Íô∂%úI‰S2Èœ˙Ò©≠l©•2;ÏIZÏÃŒc m∑ﬁ%'∏˘‹¸!ÑõlüO‡rÈ∑·fŸáÌˇ≥€ˇ˛í9Ç§l+iN§*£Dñïœ»Î\\+˝8” 

**WELCOME ADMIINII2TRAIITØR. YOUR ACCOUNT ∏S SEC¢%^RE.**

**DUE TO INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES, ADDITIONAL PERMISSIONS ARE REQUIRED TO MAKE ADMINISTRATIVE CHANGES.**

**WOULD YOU LIKE TO VIEW RECORDS, RUN A LOCAL SEARCH, EXAMINE THE RESULTS OF A PREVIOUS SEARCH, OR SEND A MESSAGE AT THIS TIME?**

>BATCH PERSONNEL SEARCH BY IDCODE 

**SEARCHING. PLEASE WAIT.**

**FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111726916432-I-F-823"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111726916422-I-F-773"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111435446525-I-F-344"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111808989815-C-B-347"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111243546622-I-B-556"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111877465056-C-X-847"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111111089889-C-F-493"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111904876617-I-F-425"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111733929135-I-F-742"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111726916463-I-F-888"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111726916436-I-M-765"**  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111877365612-C-B-109"  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111387592215-I-F-009"  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111232689833-I-F-489"  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111625486463-B-F-655"  
 **FLEET DATABASE RECORDS RETURN 1 RESULT FOR "IDCODE #111836574821-C-C-463"**********

>DISPLAY RESULTS 

**RESULT 1:**

**NAME: TYCHEA BELREF**  
 **IDCODE #111726916432-I-F-823  
 **AGE: 44 SWEEPS, GEN AT90-MG999  
 **HEMOCASTE: 0021CB******  
 **RANK: MAJOR  
 **STATUS: ACTIVE SERVICE. FURTHER RECORDS ARE AVAILABLE.****

>DISPLAY PERSONAL MEDICAL RECORDS SINCE 1/1000/BETA 

**MEDICAL LEAVE 1/1550/BETA - 1/1555/BETA**  
 **PURPOSE: IMPLANTATION OF AUGMENTED SENSORY TISSUE (OCULAR)  
 **STATUS: RETURNED TO SERVICE AS OF 1/1556/BETA.****

>DISPLAY CURRENT DESIGNATION AND LOCATION 

**NAME: MJ. TYCHEA BELREF  
 **DESIGNATION: WEAPONS AND TERNAFORMING RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT SPECIALIST ABOARD IC-4-SHADOWDROPPER-HSM COORD H72B4045775 (30, 5, 99, 23)****

**VIEW NEXT OR RETURN TO SEARCH?**

>VIEW NEXT 

**RESULT 2:**

**NAME: ERISDI POMELA**  
 **IDCODE #111726916422-I-F-773  
 **AGE: 220 SWEEPS, GEN AT24-MG30  
 **HEMOCASTE: 0021CB******  
 **RANK: CAPTAIN  
 **STATUS: ACTIVE SERVICE. FURTHER RECORDS ARE AVAILABLE.****

>DISPLAY PERSONAL MEDICAL RECORDS SINCE 1/1000/BETA 

**MEDICAL LEAVE 1/1422/BETA - 1/1430/BETA**  
 **PURPOSE: REPLACEMENT OF ORGAN TISSUE (VASCULAR), IMPLANTATION OF REGULATORY BIODEVICE (CARDIAC)  
 **STATUS: RETURNED TO SERVICE AS OF 1/1430/BETA.****

>DISPLAY CURRENT DESIGNATION AND LOCATION 

**NAME: CPT. ERISDI POMELA  
 **DESIGNATION: CAPTAIN OF IC-BB-THORNDANCER-HSM COORD H63C9345333 (2, 14, 35, 03)****

**VIEW NEXT OR RETURN TO SEARCH?**

>VIEW NEXT 

**RESULT 3:**

**NAME: LXWANA DANZIG**  
 **IDCODE #111435446525-I-F-344  
 **AGE: 12 SWEEPS, GEN AT328-MG404  
 **HEMOCASTE: 2B0057******  
 **RANK: RINGMASTER  
 **STATUS: PARTIAL LEAVE. FURTHER RECORDS ARE AVAILABLE.****

>DISPLAY PERSONAL MEDICAL RECORDS SINCE 1/1000/BETA 

**MEDICAL LEAVE (PARTIAL) AS OF 1/1500/BETA (ONGOING)**  
 **PURPOSE: TRANSPLANT SURGERY (LIMB REPLACEMENT, QUADRUPLE), BIO-AUGMENTATION (CONSORTIAL)  
 **STATUS: MEDICAL LEAVE ONGOING, CONTINUES TEMPORARY SERVICE VIA PSYOPS.****

>DISPLAY CURRENT DESIGNATION AND LOCATION 

**NAME: RM. LXWANA DANZIG  
 **DESIGNATION: RINGMASTER OF SEPULTURA SQUADRON, CURRENTLY HILARISCOURGING PLANET SYSTEM 94-B-LIBRA-MAMMALIA****  
 **OFF-PLANET, STATIONED ON PERSONAL VESSEL DURING TEMPORARY PSYOPS DUTY. CONTACT BIG TOP FOR DETAILS.**

**VIEW NEXT OR RETURN TO SEARCH?**

>VIEW NEXT 

* * *

***smashforums moderator amusingMassacre (AM) has sent smashforums moderator thrillShrieker (TS) a private ping.***

AM: Hey DAnzig i just sAw your lAtest folder on the gAshgAllery.  
AM: I love whAt you do with viscerA :o)  
TS: thanks ninjette.  
AM: You Are An inspirAtion to us All. I cAn't wAit to see you bAck to slAmming the songboxes out of these milk-drinking rimshot fucks.  
TS: preach it. good times is just around the coroner.  
AM: Woop woop!  
TS: got anything new for me?  
AM: Sure! WAnt low or high?  
TS: ah you know me.  
TS: as long as it's splashed on the walls i ain't care overmuch about the particular color.  
AM: Try these then. 

_*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **hAhAhA-too-slow.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **tAke-A-nAp.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **All-over-the-wAlls.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **finger-pAint.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** audio file **best-screAm.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** audio file **begging-for-it.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** video file **not-An-exit.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **boom-heAd-shot.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** audio file **best-screAm-continued.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **mop-it-up.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** unknown file **checkthii2out.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **ouch.***_  
 _*smashforums moderator **amusingMassacre** sent **thrillShrieker** image file **gAllagher-impression.***_

TS: ohhhhhh fuck.   
TS: these are nice.  
AM: ThAnks!  
TS: these are just fucking.  
TS: niiiiiice.  
TS: i like how shit's still dripping down thru the whole wicked sinphony.  
TS: you made it rain indoors bitch.  
AM: YeAh, probAbly my best cAmpAign yet.  
AM: I leArned from the best, you might sAy. :o)  
TS: mix that shit up some more. goddamn.  
TS: you fucked up one though. checkthii2out ain't any kind of picture.  
TS: just garbage text in a bunch of colors.  
AM: Hm. ThAt one's not mine. Must hAve Accidentally sAved someone else's crAp to my gAllery. Ditch it.  
TS: aiight.  
TS: so you got any more like the green and brown series?  
AM: Of course. You reAlly like my hAmmers huh? :o9  
TS: my favorite flavor of all.  
TS: ima cut the fuck loose when these wicked upgrades kick the fuck in and i can go out there and swing at motherfuckers.  
AM: YeAh. PAnic PAtrol is nice and All but it doesn't even compAre to the reAl thing.  
TS: i know some motherfuckers that prefer just to pull the chucks. get on it in groups and work the voodoo together to the wicked beat.  
AM: I do thAt sometimes, group voodoo. You try it?  
TS: couple times. ain't like the other guy's style overmuch.  
TS: took him out too, which did his clumsy ass a favor and improved the shit out of his performance. ain't tried it since then.  
AM: Yeah. You reAlly hAve to hAve A compAtible pArtner to work thAt sick heAdbeAt.  
AM: And the right pAn to work it on.   
TS: wisdom.  
AM: I'd be up for trying it AgAin, mAybe.  
AM: If you ever got bored...  
TS: ...  
AM: Shit. WAs thAt too forwArd? :o(  
TS: hells to the no. just trying to think about what pan we should ought to meet up in.  
AM: OMFG.  
TS: got anybody you ain't like in particular, or you want to random it up?  
AM: RAndom's AlwAys been funniest for me. You pick.  
TS: ninjette where the fuck you been alla my life.


	43. up, down

(VISUAL FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5023/beta at 1:55:23 AST.)

 (AUDIO FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5023/beta at 1:55:23 AST, monitoring AUDIO PICKUP 1 for ?. Voice identified as Captain Hudrok Ganima (HG).) 

* * *

HG: hey sol howws your night goin  
HG: just checkin in  
HG: kinda wwonderin if you feel like company  
HG: uh  
HG: wwell okay then  
HG: longest time i evver heard you go wwithout bitchin or trashin something in the room  
HG: its upright strange i gotta say  
HG: wwell anywway no one else is awwake in camp so i thought  
HG: fuck  
HG: forget it  
HG: let me knoww if you change your mind and wwant some company ill be here  
HG: see im stickin around just for you sol  
HG: instead a doin anything else actually useful like wwreakin a righteous streak a blood and guts out on the front  
HG: you remember theres a wwar on right  
HG: and really i should be helpin out since none of our asshole friends knoww wwhat theyre doin   
HG: so be grateful im here and not there  
HG: you should see vvantas tryin to position ground troops it was a bloody travvesty  
HG: none a these jokers evver evven studied tactics in their shitty schoolfeedin modules  
HG: no wwonder revvolution took so long to pull off

* * *

CG: WE'RE ALL PINNED DOWN UNDER THE OVERHANG HERE AND COULD REALLY USE, I DON'T KNOW, SOME KIND OF GIANT FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON TO COME MELT OUR COMPANY BEFORE WE ALL END UP CAVE PASTE.  
CG: WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY.  
CG: TEREZI   
CG: TEREZI  
GC: W3LL TH4T D1D NOT GO 4S 3XP3CT3D  
GC: 4LSO OW  
CG: TEREZI WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING.  
GC: 1T WORK3D D1DNT 1T  
CG: YOU GOT HIT TWICE!  
GC: Y3S 4ND TH3Y BOTH HURT BUT 1 4M NOT DY1NG!  
GC: 4ND 1S TH4T OR 1S TH4T NOT TH3 MOST 1MPR3SS1V3LY SH1NY P1L3 OF M3CH4N1Z3D F1ND3RS K33P3RS 1 JUST B4GG3D  
GC: M3RRY TW3LFTH P3RIG33S T4VROS  
CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK.  
CG: I REMAIN NOT-OKAY WITH THIS, TEREZI. YOU'RE AN INSANE PERSON.  
GC: MM HM K4RK4T  
CG: HANG ON, WE HAVE COMPANY AGAIN.  
GC: TH3Y R34LLY SHOULD C4LL B3FOR3 TH3Y SHOW UP  
GC: 1 DONT TH1NK MUCH OF TH3 M4NN3RS OF TH3SE 1MPS   
CG: BACK. WE'RE HOLDING ON.  
CG: WE HAVE THE NUMBERS AND THE BETTER COVER BUT IF ONE OF THEM BRINGS INCENDIARIES INTO THIS WE'RE ALL SMEARS.  
GC: B4CKUP 1S ON TH3 W4Y K4RK4T UNSH1T YOUR OV3RLY T1GHT P4NTS  
CG: THEY'RE NOT OVERLY TIGHT. THAT'S THE CUT OF THE UNIFORM.  
CG: WHICH REMINDS ME: SHUT UP. AND GET THE FUCK BACK HERE.  
GC: TH4T 1S MY PL4N 4S W3LL BUT B3FOR3 TH4T  
GC: DO3S 4NYON3 ON TH1S L1N3 P3RH4PS KNOW HOW TO F13LD S3T 4 BROK3N L3G  
CG: HOW BADLY BROKEN.  
GC: W3LL  
GC: FUNNY YOU SHOULD 4SK  
GC: 1 C4N NOW 4NNOUNC3 W1TH CONF1D3NC3 TH4T 3XPOS3D OSS3OUS T1SSU3 DO3S NOT 1N F4CT SM3LL L1K3 4 YUMMY SN4PP3D C4NDY C4N3 SO N3P3T4 OW3S M3 FOUR BOONBUCKS  
GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK 1 4M 4 L1TTL3 B1T CONCUSS3D  
CG: OH FUCK.  
GC: 1 H4V3 H4D WORS3   
CG: IS IT BLEEDING.  
GC: Y3S  
CG: OKAY  
CG: OKAY UH. STOP IT BLEEDING. PUT SOMETHING ON IT.  
GC: Y3S D34R  
CG: AND UH.  
CG: ARE YOU UNDER FIRE?  
GC: NO W3 FOUND CONC34LM3NT   
GC: 4ND B3FOR3 YOU 4SK Y3S 1 4T3 SOM3 SHOCKBLOCK3RS 4ND 1T DO3SNT HURT BUT 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO B3 DO1NG 4NY FURTH3R F4NCY R1D1NG FOR TH3 R3ST OF TH1S SHOW 1F 1T 1S 4LL TH3 S4M3 TO YOU  
CG: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT YOU'RE NOT. WE HAVE TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.  
GC: NO STUP1D *W3* H4V3 TO G3T *YOU* OUT OF *TH3R3*  
GC: J33Z 1 JUST GOT TH1S SU1T  
CG: YOU'RE FREAKING OUT ABOUT YOUR UNIFORM????  
GC: SHUT UP T1GHT P4NTS  
CG: NO YOU YOU SHUT UP.  
GC: NO YOU  
CG: YOU  
GC: 44444NYW44444444Y  
GC: ON3 OF MY C4PT41NS 1S ON H3R W4Y TO PRUN3 B4CK YOUR FRONT L1N3 WH3R3 1T H4S PR3SUM4BLY GON3 SH4GGY FROM L4CK OF REGUL4R MOW1NG  
GC: H3LM3TS ON WH3N YOU H34R TH3 FL4PP1NG OR YOU M1GHT LOS3 SOM3 3Y3BROWS W3 DONT W4NT 4 R3P34T OF TH3 1NC1D3NT  
CG: I KNOW!   
GC: 4LSO HOW M4NY OF YOUR PS1ON1CS 4R3 4CT1V3  
CG: WE'RE COOL.  
GC: W3 W1LL N33D 4S M4NY OF TH3M ON TH1S 4S POSS1BLE B3C4US3 TH3R3 1S ST1LL 4N HD UN1T STOMP1NG 4ROUND TO TH3 34ST  
GC: W3 PUT 1TS LONG R4NG3 S3NSORS OUT BUT 1T ST1LL H4S M34TV1S1ON 4ND 1T 1S NOT GO1NG TO M1SS TH3 G14NT DR4GON H34D3D YOUR W4Y  
CG: OH GOD NOT ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE FUCKING THINGS.  
GC: WH4T 4 STR4NG3 W4Y TO M1SSP3LL Y33 H4W >:]

* * *

(VISUAL FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5024/beta at 12:31:56 AST.)

 (AUDIO FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5024/beta at 12:31:56 AST, monitoring AUDIO PICKUP 1 for ?. Voice identified as Captain Hudrok Ganima (HG).) 

* * *

HG: kars got ter doin most of the tactics stuff noww at least shes got killer instinct but i should be there  
HG: im the only one that knowws howw to fold a fuckin paper map  
HG: i bet ter chewws on the pointers an shit wwhile they havve their little strategy meetins  
HG: no offense to her disability shes just wweird  
HG: theyre doin pretty phenomenal though i gotta give props for that evven if im not invvolvved  
HG: they captured a fuckin hunter destroyer did equius tell you  
HG: god wwhat i wwouldnt givve to see that go dowwn in real life  
HG: somebody better havve brought a camera  
HG: zahhaks got engineers pokin at the shipbrain like tavv is doin with pixie  
HG: still cant believve he named your parasite sol  
HG: kids got some issues  
HG:he has this theory the drones got the same breed a guts as wwhat you havve   
HG: tavv i mean not zahhak  
HG: he figures he can try an talk to them  
HG: and maybe theyll be simpler wwithout a helmsman in the system to defend  
HG: can you imagine that  
HG: tavros nitram controllin an imperial drone  
HG: so congrats  
HG: despite your best intentions youvve somehoww been an asset to the wwar effort  
HG: or my condolences maybe  
HG: since i bet that isnt wwhat you wwant to hear  
HG: i keep forgettin howw you wwant us to lose  
HG: on account a wwere the rebel scum  
HG: yeah  
HG: definitely gonna squeal on us wwhen you get back online right sol  
HG: wwell  
HG: anywway

* * *

(VISUAL FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5028/beta at 3:43:36 AST.)

 (AUDIO FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5028/beta at 3:43:36 AST, monitoring AUDIO PICKUP 1 for ?. Voice identified as Captain Hudrok Ganima (HG).) 

* * *

HG: it gets the smallest bit frustratin is the thing  
HG: not bein able to see the people im trollin  
HG: your program is safe enough wwe still cant use vvisual feed  
HG: too much bandwwidth or somesuch isnt that wwhat you said  
HG: you probably could a fixed that if you hadnt run off  
HG: wwhat wwere you evven up to   
HG: no one evver figured it out  
HG: wwe use audio some but that shameful loww class caterwwaulin is unreal levvels a unprofessional  
HG: lowwblood rabble all talkin ovver each other an yellin like antisocial wwild animals  
HG: changin the subject on each other and fightin nonstop  
HG: dont they teach you dirtscrapers any bloody manners   
HG: yeah yeah i knoww wwhat youre thinkin  
HG: they arent totally useless ed look wwhat you did for me  
HG: i am lookin sol an i appreciate it  
HG: i really do  
HG: so you dont go thinkin im completely full a myself  
HG: i just think they could use somebody like me more is all  
HG: i studied for this my wwhole life practically  
HG: dont look at me like that  
HG: its wwhat i wwas bloody wwell groomed to be  
HG: just be grateful i wwant to help your sorry ass instead a commandin troops

* * *

(VISUAL FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5039/beta at 11:05:00 AST.)

 (AUDIO FEED )*%%%./ continues 1/5039/beta at 11:05:00 AST, monitoring AUDIO PICKUP 1 for ?. Voice identified as Captain Hudrok Ganima (HG).) 

* * *

HG: nevver been better thanks for askin sol   
HG: kan looked me over this mornin   
HG: clean bill a health an the scars are rugged an manly as shit  
HG: not her wwords but close enough  
HG: this one heres my favvorite   
HG: gets me play like you wwouldnt believe wwhen i tell the story  
HG: its enough to make a guy glad he got himself half flame broiled tryin to savve your twwisted ungrateful husk from the bad guys  
HG: sorry  
HG: good guys  
HG: wwhatevver  
HG: they wwere shootin at you as much as me  
HG: but you go right on ahead an give them the benefit a the doubt howws that sound  
HG: youre just mad wwe didnt die thats wwhat i think  
HG: that wwhat all this is about sol HMM  
HG: yeah you alwways wwere a drama queen  
HG: no offense  
HG: or maybe yeah  
HG: yeah  
HG: offense  
HG: cause this is just so typical a your shit isnt it  
HG: this wwounded flapbeast act fef used to eat up wwith a spoon  
HG: speakin a wwho  
HG: you probably hate her too noww dont you sol  
HG: wwell howw about that  
HG: for once in my life im smarter than the biggest thinkpan on alternia   
HG: i knoww wwhere my loyalties bloody wwell lie  
HG: only you wwould find a wway to hold a grudge ovver bein rescued from unspeakable flippin torment  
HG: wwell you got rescued an thats reality now so DEAL WW IT  
HG: and you knoww what   
HG: im gonna come out of this a legend if wwe dont all get flat out annihilated  
HG: your hacker friends are goin around callin me THE DISSENTER  
HG: guess im an honorary landdwweller noww for wwhat i did  
HG: yeah thats right i got a fuckin real title noww  
HG: i might keep it wwhat do you think  
HG: its got some twwos in it the wway you type  
HG: you could mangle it up pretty good if you felt like it  
HG: sol  
HG: wwhat if i ordered you to say something  
HG: im the captain arent i so my words are laww evven if im a despicable lousy blood traitor right  
HG: youd havve to talk to me evven if you didnt wwant to  
HG: and then id know if youre even fuckin in there  
HG: i could  
HG: i  
HG: i gotta go


	44. XMFB

**WELCOME TO MEDNET ALTERNIA. YOU'VE REACHED THE PATIENT SERVICES NODE. A REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY.  
**

**SYSTEM NOTE:** YOUR APPROXIMATE WAIT TIME IS TWO MINUTES. 

**SYSTEM NOTE:** IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY, PLEASE RETURN TO THE MAIN MENU, SELECT "EMERGENCY" FROM THE MENU, AND WAIT FOR AN AGENT. 

**SYSTEM NOTE:** YOUR REQUEST WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE ORDER IN WHICH IT WAS RECEIVED. 

**SYSTEM NOTE:** ALL COMMUNICATIONS ON MEDNET ALTERNIA ARE SUBJECT TO REMOTE MONITORING FOR QUALITY CONTROL AND TRAINING PURPOSES. 

* * *

  
  
MR: Mednet patient services. How can I assist you.   
XX: OH GOD   
XX: I HOPE YOU CAN HELP ME   
MR: I cannot provide emergency assistance, sir. If you are having an emergency, you need to--   
XX: THEY'LL JUST DISCONNECT AGAIN   
XX: THE LOW CASTE IDIOT I GOT LAST TIME HUNG UP ON ME   
MR: All right….   
MR: Um.   
MR: What's the nature of your complaint?   
XX: MY ARM IS TRYING TO KILL ME   
MR: Your arm is...?   
XX: AS IN IT REACHED TOWARD A KNIFE ON MY COUNTER   
MR: Sir, that's not really…   
XX: I DIDN'T TELL IT TO REACH FOR THE KNIFE!   
MR: Nerve impulses cause spasms during tissue regeneration. It's perfectly normal. Sometimes the movements may seem purposeful, but that's actually a good s--   
XX: DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT'S NORMAL!   
XX: I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO YOU. I SAW THE ARTICLE ABOUT YOUR LITTLE GOOF WITH THE RINGMASTER.   
MR: Mednet Alternia maintains an exemplary safety record. I'm not permitted to comment in any detail about individual c--   
XX: QUIT GREASING MY NOOK. BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU PUT SOMEONE ELSE'S BRAIN IN MY ARM AND NOW IT'S TRYING TO KILL ME   
XX: I WANT IT OUT AND A PROPER REPLACEMENT, AND I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT!!!   
MR: We do not implant brains in our patients.   
XX: NO, THAT'S BULLSHIT, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE ON MY FORM THAT YOU DO. RIGHT HERE IT SAYS IT.   
XX: "CULTURED NERVE TISSUE MAY BE ENCLOSED WITHIN THE BODY OF THE IMPLANT TO ALLOW MORE SEAMLESS COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOUR NATURAL BODY AND YOUR AUGMENTATION OR PROSTHETIC," THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS. AND HERE AGAIN, "AUGMENTED TISSUE ENCOURAGES MORE NATURALISTIC, INTUITIVE MOVEMENTS OF THE AUGMENTATION OR PROSTHETIC."   
MR: The procedure--   
XX: IT'S RIGHT HERE   
MR: The procedure involves cultured nerve tissue, as it says--   
XX: ON THIS FUCKING PRINTOUT   
MR: On the information packet you received--   
XX: THAT I AM READING OUT LOUD TO YOU   
MR: The procedure is not--   
XX: IS THAT OR IS THAT YOUR CLINIC'S LOGO ON THE SHEET?   
MR: ...   
MR: Sir, I'm going to transfer you to a specialist.   
XX: I DON'T NEED TO TALK TO YOUR FUCKING PAN DOCTOR AGAIN! I WANT THIS THING REMOVED!   
MR: Please hold.   
XX: YOU STUPID FUCKING LOWBLOOD PIECE OF SHIT!   
XX: I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED A SHITHOLE THAT EMPLOYS BELOW CYAN!   
XX: I'M GOING TO SEE YOU ALL IN COURT ON ATTEMPTED MURDER CHARGES!   
XX: AND YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING PAY FOR MY REPLACEMENT ARM OUT OF YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING HIDE   
XX: PEASANT 

**SYSTEM NOTE: COMMUNICATION INTERRUPTED BY USER.**

  
MR: Well fuck you very much sir.   
MR: Why do I always get stuck with the paranoid shitstains.

* * *

(IMPERIAL DUSK (ID) sent ONSLAUGHT (OS) a private message at 1/5044/beta at 12:33:20 AST.) 

  
ID: Heyyyyyyyyy Onslaught!    
ID: Hey Onslaught hey!!!!!!    
ID: Hey hey hey!    
OS: Yes, spamming me with inane bullshit will definitely make me come back faster and be more enthusiastic to talk to you.    
ID: Aw, sorry bro D: I didn't mean to be a pest!    
OS: It's all right. What's up?    
ID: Well…..    
ID: I was sort of wondering about something!    
ID: You know that movie you and DC were talking about in the main chat? The one with the Helmsman who crashed his ship?    
OS: Sunslammer Down.    
ID: Yeah, that's the one!!    
ID: You said they made the movie based on a book, right?    
OS: Yeah.    
ID: Awesome!    
ID: I wish I could have read it! I keep thinking about it…    
OS: Don't look at me, I have a shitty memory for text.    
ID: Dang.    
ID: Well… maybe someone in your book club?    
OS: I guess I could ask, but don't get your hopes up. It would have made the rounds by now if we had any good copies.    
OS: I could send you my last viewing of the movie. It's pretty high def because I've seen it about sixty fucking times.    
ID: I guess. But I was kind of hoping for, like, a read-along. I miss paper ;_____;    
OS: And hands, right?    
ID: LOL, guilty as charged. I bet you had awesome fingers.    
OS: You're a freak, Dusk.    
ID: XD    
ID: But seriously!    
ID: I'd be willing to just take whatever you have!    
ID: I am BORED.    
OS: What, CaptorCam on the fritz again?    
ID: Noooo, but it's daytime down there, nobody's awake and Douchefin's gone and conked out right in front of the audio pickup.    
ID: Hahaha Ampora….    
ID: More like    
ID: AmpSNOREah! XD XD XD    
OS: Oh my god how old even are you.    
ID: :P    
ID: Soooo about that book!    
ID: I have something to trade. Something you'd liiiiike!!!!!    
OS: Red or black?    
ID: Um.    
ID: Kind of…dark red? :3    
OS: No way. Your own?    
ID: LOL does that really matter?    
OS: Maybe.    
ID: 0___________0    
OS: Don't make text-faces at me. You're the pervert flipping quadrants and taking names.    
ID: Tch! I thought you liked it messy.    
OS: No fucking comment.    
ID: :P :P :P :P :P :P    
ID: Okay, YES, it's mine! XD    
ID: I mean it's not very GOOD but like...    
ID: You already admitted your book memory sucks, right? So I'd say it's a good trade!    
ID: Especially if you picked your nose or something while you were reading.    
OS: Okay, your opinion of me is officially gross as hell.    
OS: But whatever. Fine, send me some of that sweet-ass debauchery and I'll see how much of the book I can remember.    
OS: Your idea of a proper XMFB is probably too giggly for me but what the fuck ever, my pan will rot from the sugar and I'll be out of here that much quicker.    
OS: Plus I'm kind of bored too if I'm being honest about it.    
ID: AWESOME!    
ID: Man you don't even know! It's gonna be SO HOT!    
OS: I'll try to encode in realtime. Be about, I don't know, couple hours?    
OS: No promises if the AOB calls me up for jump prep in the middle, though.    
ID: You're a lifesaver. Mwah! :3 :3 :3    
OS: Do I get the XM now?    
ID: You get the makeout before and the rest after. Maybe it'll, like, help you to concentrate on remembering that story! :D    
OS: God damn, you're such a tease.    
ID: You ain't seen nothin' yet, bookplanarian >:D >:D >:D


	45. Black

  
GA: Eridan  
  
CA: hmm  
  
GA: The Soup Was Getting Cold So I Just Thought I Would Bring It To You  
  
CA: thanks kan  
  
GA: That Must Be A Very Good Book  
  
CA: yeah  
  
GA: You Said Youd Be Out In Five Minutes Two Hours Ago  
  
CA: yeah  
  
GA: Are You Okay  
  
CA: yeah  
  
GA: You Have Something Chartreuse On Your Forehead  
  
CA: yeah  
  
GA: Is That Genetic Material  
  
CA: ye  
  
CA: wwhat  
  
GA: Ah That Got You Back I See  
  
GA: Good  
  
GA: Eat Your Soup Eridan  
  
CA: no thanks i suddenly misplaced my fuckin appetite for some mysterious reason i cant explain  
  
GA: Would You Prefer To Wear It  
  
GA: I Hear Minestrone Is In Fashion This Fourth Dim Season  
  
CA: oh wwhatevver just givve me the fuckin spoon  
  
CA: wwho made you my lusus is wwhat i wwanna knoww  
  
GA: I Dont Know But It Seems To Me To Be Something Of A Trend Lately  
  
GA: You Equius And Tavros Are Going To Kill Me With This Shit I Swear  
  
CA: big tragedy there  
  
CA: youll just get back up again after a couple minutes and go back to bein an irrepressible obstinate goddamn pest like usual  
  
GA: Sigh  
  
CA: aww fuck  
  
CA: that wwas goin too far wwasnt it fuck im sorry kanaya  
  
GA: Its All Right I Will Consider It Turnabout For The Genetic Material Comment  
  
CA: deal  
  
CA: hey kan  
  
GA: Hmm  
  
CA: wwhat do you think he thinks about  
  
GA: Sollux You Mean  
  
CA: yeah  
  
CA: like is he plotting revvenge at me all day  
  
CA: for stealin him from the empire  
  
GA: Who Knows  
  
GA: You Could Ask Him  
  
CA: i dont wwant to  
  
GA: Because He Might Hate You Back For All The Wrong Reasons  
  
CA: wwell dont sugar coat it on my behalf or nothing  
  
GA: Sorry  
  
GA: But Isnt That Right  
  
CA: maybe it is an maybe it aint  
  
CA: but if it wwas wwouldnt that be a fuckin spectacle  
  
GA: Like Something Right Out Of A Starship Girls Hatemance By Biicham  
  
CA: fuckin disgraceful the ordure they pass off as literature for wwigglers these days at least the ascension spinoffs are interesting  
  
CA: here look at this  
  
GA: Oh God  
  
CA: right  
  
GA: Captain Prisla Smarmi  
  
GA: That Is The Dumbest Name  
  
CA: the helmsman is a yelloww named chaser storm  
  
GA: Oh God  
  
GA: Five Letters  
  
GA: Really  
  
CA: thats howw you knoww hes a rebel kan  
  
CA: i thought you wwere into this stuff thats like fuckin basic code for badass  
  
CA: the wwhole first chapter is howw devvil may care an dangerous he wwas before he got recruited  
  
CA: he gets caught knockin over a credit dispensary but because hes attractive they put him to wwork helming a rebellious young vviolets first offplanet romper for no good fuckin reason  
  
GA: That Is Totally Believable Yes  
  
CA: its on account a his pailtastic good looks  
  
CA: he makes out wwith captan smarmi the first time she comes dowwn the engine room practically  
  
CA: here listen to this  
  
GA: Oh God  
  
CA: no listen  
  
CA: wwhere is it  
  
CA: ah here we go get ready  
  
GA: Eridan I Swear To God  
  
CA: aha  
  
CA: here listen  
  
CA: his luminescent green eyes blinked up at prisla through a vveil a tears  
  
CA: you wwere cryin again he said  
  
CA: you heard me prisla blinked is that wwhy you called me dowwn  
  
CA: i hear you evvery time the helmsman said evvery time  
  
GA: Gag Me With A Basined Feeding Stick  
  
CA: shush  
  
CA: oh chaser prisla murmured its nothing its just its just im just so confused  
  
CA: dont call me that murmured the entangled male dont call my by that troll name i am your helmsman  
  
CA: wwell to the rest of the wworld perhaps that is all you are smarmi hissed  
  
CA: but not to me nevver to me dont you realize that thats the problem  
  
CA: the problem echoed chaser and his face wwas terribly still so wwhat am i to you then  
  
CA: no i mustnt the beautiful seadwweller choked out an her fins drooped  
  
CA: say it out say it out or leavve me to my enslavvement chaser challenged wwhat am i that you should wweep your noble tears wwhere none but your ship can see them  
  
CA: evverything murmured prisla stroking his face wwith her perfectly sculpted nails they prickled against the sensitivve skin and against his better instincts he leaned into the touch oh chaser didnt you knoww that already youre my evverything  
  
GA: Eridan Why Are You Reading This Book  
  
CA: then kiss m  
  
GA: Why Is Anyone Reading This Book  
  
CA: shhhoooooooshhhhhhhhh  
  
GA: Hmf  
  
CA: then kiss me chaser murmured his gaze direct prisla felt a strange heat coursin through her body but she shook her head you had me fly you all the wway to the doubled star of anilmion 3 wwhy not go a little farther he demanded  
  
CA: because its forbidden prisla wwept suddenly and tore herself awway from his beautiful smolderin gaze  
  
CA: a single tear tinted the supreme vviolet of her caste slid dowwn one perfect cheek because youre a helmsman because ivve so much to do before ascension and i cant risk it because it can nevver be chaser it can nevver be  
  
CA: because youre afraid chaser wwhispered the lights on the console flarin the yelloww of his common but powwerful blood briefly before they returned to their standard red an wwhite  
  
CA: afraid to lovve  
  
CA: wwhat do you knoww peasant prisla sobbed wwhat do you knoww a my burdens  
  
CA: i knoww you dont havve to carry them alone the helmsman roared i am your servvant let me servve you in this  
  
GA: Okay No More Of This Thanks  
  
CA: pff i thouht you liked this bodysuit rippin kind a thing  
  
GA: When I Was Six Maybe Yes  
  
GA: A Young Six  
  
CA: he likes it fine  
  
GA: He  
  
GA: Eridan  
  
GA: Youve Been Reading This Trash Out Loud To Sollux  
  
CA: yeah  
  
CA: so wwhat  
  
CA: if he isnt into it he can bally wwell tell me to stop  
  
GA: I Know Youre Black For Him Eridan But This Is Ridiculous  
  
CA: hmm are you Experiencing The Vvapors  
  
GA: I Feel Like I Should Step In Before Someone Gets Hurt  
  
CA: see sol  
  
CA: this kinda illustrates that point i wwas making earlier doesnt it  
  
CA: people nevver really change   



	46. The Dissenter

  
CT: D --> Hold it, hold it, do not put that load down yet please  
  
CT: D --> If you leave it here someone will trip over the pile and break their blasted shin  
  
NT: Sorry, sir!  
  
IT: Sorry.  
  
CT: D --> Is that panel new or salvaged  
  
NT: Salvaged, sir!  
  
IT: It hasn't been scanned yet.  
  
CT: D --> There is a pile designated for salvaged paneling directly behind you  
  
CT: D --> No, that's the new parts pile  
  
CT: D --> More to your left, to your  
  
IT: Here?  
  
CT: D --> Yes, there  
  
NT: Thank you, sir!  
  
IT: Thanks!  
  
CT: D --> Thank you  
  
CT: D --> Incidentally you do not need to call me Sir every time you speak  
  
CT: D --> There is not much need for such formality out here  
  
NT: Of course, sir! It's just, you're, you know. With who you're with. It's all so exciting to be here and meet everyone who… I mean...  
  
IT: It's like, you know?  
  
CT: D --> Indeed  
  
NT: Can I…  
  
CT: D --> Can you what  
  
NT: Can I ask, uh. His blood… is it...  
  
CT: D --> I am really very busy, so  
  
IT: Is it true He's not even on the hemospectrum, sir?  
  
CT: D --> Sigh  
  
CT: D --> It's true  
  
NT: They say He rose from the dead!  
  
CT: D --> I honestly do not know how these ridiculous rumors get started and I am really very busy today  
  
CT: D --> Have you seen Mr. Nitram  
  
CT: D --> He is the one with the wide horns and the e%cellently balanced carbon fiber legs  
  
IT: Tavros? Yes, I've met him already.  
  
NT: He left an hour or so ago, s… Mr. Zahhak.  
  
CT: D --> Nngh. I need to speak with him about the uplock actuator he recovered this evening  
  
NT: Did you end up having to scrap it?  
  
CT: D --> I located a stress fracture that cannot be repaired  
  
CT: D --> We will need to replace it immediately and there are no compatible vessels here to cannibalize  
  
IT: Why not order a new one from offplanet? It's bound to get here before we get this thing skyworthy.  
  
CT: D --> Hm  
  
NT: Hell, the helmsblock alone is going to take at least a perigee to seal off. It's a wonder no one died in the crash!  
  
CT: D --> Hrrmnnn  
  
NT: Will I, uh, have to go in there? And fix stuff? Sir?  
  
IT: No, it'll be one of us who's been here longer that has to go in there. Probably me.  
  
CT: D --> I will be performing interior modifications myself  
  
CT: D --> Certain members of the crew have requested that the ship interior be off limits to the repair crew until further notice  
  
NT: Yeah, I heard. Didn't some ceruleanblooded girl sneak in there and get blown up?  
  
IT: Yeah, by the helmsman.  
  
CT: D --> …  
  
CT: D --> No  
  
NT: One guy at my orientation said all you higher-ups are all friends. I even heard it used to be one of His followers.  
  
IT: Is that true? Did you know each other? What's it like talking to a helmsman?  
  
CT: D --> You should both return to your work now  
  
CT: D --> It will be dawn soon and the light in this region is particularly harsh on the eyes  
  
NT: Of course, sir. I, uh.  
  
IT: Sorry.  
  
NT: If I see Tavr--- Mr. Nitram, I'll tell him you were looking for him.  
  
NT: Sorry.  
  
CT: D --> I really must ask someone to put a stop to all this gossip

* * *

  
OS: Yo, are you guys done with Douche TV yet or what? I'm bored.  
  
EP: It's almost finished.  
  
OS: Finface is reading the battery sparklesmut again, isn't he.  
  
ID: Hahahaha!  
  
OS: EP how COULD you. He gives the characters little voices, for fuck's sake.  
  
EP: It's not that bad. And don't call people that.  
  
OS: Oh my fucking nonexistent yet somehow still disappointed in all of my friends GOD, cull me now.  
  
EP: In a minute. Chapter's almost over.  
  
OS: Fine, I'll cull myself and haunt your shit.  
  
ID: Uh oh, trouble in paradise >:D  
  
OS: I just want to know, how are your brains not rotting out listening to that garbage?  
  
OS: Like, physically? Or maybe they are. Buzz once for yes and twice for hell yes.  
  
EP: Maybe because SOME people don't need every golden word to glimmer with the exudate of the MG's hindmost ordained truth nipple to enjoy their media?  
  
ID: Maybe because SOMEBODY's taking forever to TS the rest of the OTHER good book in my life right now???  
  
OS: Maybe because brain damage.  
  
ID: You're just a literary snob.  
  
EP: Accurate.  
  
DW: Accurate  
  
OS: Yeah so what?  
  
DW: So you are being obnoxious and need to shush  
  
ID: LOL  
  
OS: Oh no. No, no, no.  
  
OS: Et tu, DW?  
  
DW: Yeah don't judge me  
  
DW: I was seduced  
  
ID: Eeheehee.  
  
OS: Is FS in here with the rest of you giggling fuckers too? He is, isn't he? For shame, FS, I thought you were the adult here.  
  
DW: Actually he's offline but no  
  
DW: He doesn't really care for the  
  
DW: What was the term you used  
  
DW: Sparklesmut  
  
DW: Thinks it's wiggler stuff  
  
OS: Because it fucking IS wiggler stuff. And dumb as shit, or maybe you didn't notice that?  
  
OS: "OH!!! CAPTAIN PRISSY!!! YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, MY VISUAL RECEPTORS ARE LEAKING GLANCE FLUID WITH EVERY AUGMENTED PEEP AT YOUR INCREDIBLE PSEUDOMAMMARIES AS THEY TREMBLE 'NEATH YOUR UNBUTTONED UNIFORM! BEING EQUIPMENT IS NEATO!"  
  
ID: Onslaught c'mon :(  
  
OS: "OH HELMSMAN! YOU'RE SO TRAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOUR VARIOUS AMPUTATIONS IN A CREEPY OBJECTIFYING WAY FROM MY PLACE OF PRIVILEGE!"  
  
ID: asldkfadjls is the P word bannable yet? >:l  
  
DW: No  
  
ID: Can I request we make it bannable? :D  
  
DW: Denied  
  
ID: You suck forever. :P  
  
EP: Do you people mind? Trying to listen.  
  
OS: "OH CAPTAIN YOUR CLUELESS ADMIRATION OF THE PHYSICAL AGONY I ENDURE DAILY BECAUSE THE MIDBLOOD WHO WRITES ME DOESN'T KNOW THE SUBNET IS A THING MAKES MY NETHERS ALL FRISKY! OOH LET'S PAIL IN JUMPSPACE!!!!!"  
  
ID: You. Are. Insufferable D:  
  
EP: ...  
  
OS: "WHOOPS!!! I'M CRYING AGAIN!"  
  
OS: "WHY SO YOU ARE! SAY! WHERE DID MY TROUSERS GO?"  
  
ID: Blocking you now...  
  
OS: "MM SO PITIABLE LET ME NOOF YOUR G-TUBE MMM YEAH"  
  
ID: Bye-bye Onsnot...  
  
OS: Kiss my redacted, Dusk.  
  
OS: You could totally stand life without me for ten minutes. I'm {almost certain} of it.  
  
ID: :P  
  
OS: I rest my case.  
  
OS: Oh shit, pretend I typed my awesome book summary in a poncy slimetripper accent.  
  
EP: OS for the love you bear me would you please shut the fuck up and let the poor lesser minds enjoy their plebeian amusements already?  
  
OS: Okay fine. <>  
  
EP: <>

* * *

  
CA: so uh  
  
CA: scale from one to screamin like a banshee tryin to bite my face off  
  
CA: again i mean  
  
CA: honest opinion okay no makin me feel good  
  
CA: howw are you likin the book so far  
  
TA: kk wouldn't even read thii2 at gunpoiint, that'2 how much iit'2 2hiit.  
  
CA: sol  
  
CA: sol  
  
TA: fuck you eriidan.  
  
CA: its good to hear from you again  
  
CA: the actual you i mean  
  
CA: howw you doing  
  
TA: where ii2 aradiia?  
  
CA: sigh  
  
CA: sol  
  
TA: yes, captain ganima.  
  
CA: fucking  
  
CA: nngh wwhy do you alwways do that  
  
CA: wwhatevver  
  
CA: my windchutes gone raww so youll just havve to find out wwhat happens next tomorrow night  
  
CA: from the wway this magnificent book a golden prose falls open to the next section im guessin its going to be pailin  
  
CA: probably wwith actual pails this time wwhat do you think  
  
CA: theyvve done evvery other kind a thing  
  
CA: getting pretty red  
  
CA: yeah dont front like you dont knoww their lovve is the most beautiful thing in space you fuckin liar  
  
CA: anywway  
  
CA: sleep tight sol  
  
TA: INSURRECTIONISTS ABOARD SHIP. VISUAL SENSORS DISABLED. UPLINK DISABLED.  
  
CA: chase never sprays spit in prislas face captor  
  
CA: just sayin  
  
TA: …  
  
TA: i'm sorry.  
  
CA: its cool  
  
CA: thank you for takin mercy on my lug channels at least  
  
CA: look i knoww those guys theyre wwith us  
  
CA: probably fixin that stabilizer thing you dont havve to report them just let them wwork okay  
  
TA: fuck you, eriidan.  
  
CA: one a those nights again huh  
  
CA: i take it you wwant me stayin ovver  
  
TA: ...  
  
CA: fine you fuckin clingy wwreck but only cause you asked nice an didnt scream all through my readin a this excellent piece a literature  
  
CA: but im goin to get dinner before i come back an maybe take a nice hot showwer and dont you dare yell at me like theres somethin wwrong wwith that  
  
CA: im the captain on this rig and its beastflesh steww night and if i wwant to go take some time to reacquaint myself wwith soap and maybe evven some wwater that isnt coming out a your face im bloody wwell going to do so  
  
TA: don't go.  
  
CA: you knoww wwhat sol  
  
CA: not evverybody wwants to go around smelling like this room all the time  
  
CA: maybe some people havve standards that they didnt drop just on account a they got stuffed in a helmsblock  
  
CA: wwhich by the wway  
  
CA: you got it pretty swweet as helmsblocks go  
  
CA: you fleww a grand total a twwo hours and retired on a full highbloods are doing evverything for you pension  
  
TA: it is an honor to serve.  
  
CA: yeah exactly  
  
CA: crazy sol listen to smart mindjacked sol hes not as annoying  
  
TA: yes, captain.  
  
CA: i dont need to smell like im dead on top a evverything else thats miserable and depressin about bein out here wwhere nothin fuckin growws but the body counts and the vvultures  
  
CA: you got that sol  
  
TA: …  
  
CA: so there you go then  
  
CA: thanks for acknowwledgin my natural authority and all that goes wwith it sol i appreciate the thoughtful gesture  
  
TA: traitor.  
  
CA: youre quite right i did change my hair thanks for askin  
  
CA: had kan take a little off the sides  
  
CA: i think it makes me look more dignified an captainly  
  
CA: im done tryin to covver up the scars  
  
CA: it just makes it look like i aint proud a my battle vvictories you knoww  
  
CA: wwhich is upright retarded if you believve in ancestors  
  
CA: wwell not you on account a your ancestors wwould be nobodies  
  
CA: but for the proper aristocracy like yours truly  
  
CA: my owwn ancestor supposedly had a face full a scars  
  
CA: so wwhy should i be hidin mine  
  
CA: noww that im THE DISSENTER i should be showwin off a little instead  
  
CA: lettin people knoww that im proud a wwhat i did because i am proud  
  
CA: and uh also  
  
CA: wwearin it the other way it sorta looked like i wwas goin bald and trying too hard to hide it  
  
TA: ehehe.  
  
CA: heh  
  
CA: and so wwhat if i am vvain  
  
CA: so fuckin wwhat  
  
CA: wwho says theres anything wwrong wwith snatchin a little pride wwhere you can get it  
  
TA: nngh  
  
CA: wwell  
  
CA: im claimin that as a compliment  
  
CA: backhanded as it probably wwas seeing as howw youre you  
  
CA: youre lookin better yourself you knoww  
  
CA: practically almost alivve again  
  
CA: noww theyve got the slimy shit to quit growwing on your face  
  
CA: i wwould havve left it personally  
  
CA: you always had the most godawwful hair and besides pink looks good on you  
  
CA: wwould it ovvergroww your wwhole head if wwe let it  
  
CA: like enough to block up your nose and mouth  
  
CA: not that it wwould matter  
  
CA: i cant help but notice sol but you arent evven breathin half the time  
  
CA: its fuckin alarming  
  
TA: …  
  
CA: right im goin  
  
CA: back in a feww

* * *

  
CG: I'M FINE, STOP FUSSING.  
  
CG: TEREZI. IT'S FINE. L3T OFF.  
  
GC: TURN4BOUT 1S F41R PL4Y MR V4NT4S. YOU G3NTLY C4R3SS MY FR4CTUR3D 3XTR3M1T13S, 1 FONDL3 YOUR 3XPLOD3D M1DS3CT1ON. TH4T'S TH3 D34L.  
  
CG: NO, JUST LEAVE IT ALONE. I TREATED IT ALREADY.  
  
GC: Y34H, 4ND NOW TH4NKS TO YOU 1 H4V3 TO R3MOV3 TH3 M4SS OF HUMOROUSLY 1N4D3QU4T3 4DH3S1V3 DR3SS1NGS YOU 4PP34R TO H4V3 P4RT14LLY 1NS3RT3D 1NTO TH3 WOUND B3FOR3 1 C4N 4CTU4LLY H3LP YOU.  
  
GC: BR4C3 YOURS3LF, 1T W1LL ST1NG.  
  
CG: OH NOOO, SHE'S GOING TO RIP OFF MY *BAND AIDS*!!!!  
  
CG: I'VE ONLY JUST NEARLY HAD MY INTERNAL ORGANS UNZIPPED AND TOSSED PLAYFULLY INTO THE AIR AS IF IN END-OF-SCHOOLFEEDING-TERM CELEBRATION BY SUDDENLY-LASER-BEAMS  
  
CG: BUT HERE COMES TEREZI WITH HER ULTIMATE ATTACK OF PULLING OFF A STUPID SHITTY LITTLE ADHESIVE BANDAGE FOR THE KILL SH-OW OW OW OW OW OW STOPPIT STOP YOU'RE KILLING ME STOP  
  
GC: 1 D1D 4TT3MPT TO W4RN YOU >8/  
  
CG: OH GOD I'M BLEEDING  
  
GC: Y3S YOU 4R3.  
  
CG: I'M BLEEDING I'M BLEEDING OH GOD  
  
GC: K4RK4T  
  
GC: 4R3 YOU FR34K1NG OUT ON M3  
  
CG: NO I AM NOT!  
  
GC: YOU H4D B3TT3R NOT B3 CRY1NG 31TH3R.  
  
CG: CRYING? ME?  
  
CG: HA!  
  
CG: YOUR SAD ATTEMPTS TO MALIGN MY WARRIOR'S SPIRIT TO ESTABLISH YOURSELF AS THE BIG DOG IN THE PACK GET ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE MORE PATHETIC WITH EVERY SINGLE BATTLE WE SURVIVE, PYROPE. IN FACT, I'M SURPRISED YOU COULD EVEN FIT YOUR ENORMOUSLY SWOLLEN HEAD THROUGH THE TENT FLAP FROM HOW PUFFED UP YOUR EGO HAS GOTTEN SINCE THE BATTLE OF THE BROODING CA--  
  
CG: WAIT WAIT HOLD UP NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT NEEDLE?  
  
GC: HOLD ST1LL SO 1 C4N PUT TH3 SUTUR3S 1N STR41GHT.  
  
CG: STITCHES? OH NO YOU DON'T. DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH THAT THING.  
  
GC: W3LL 1 GU3SS 1 COULD L34V3 YOU OP3N BUT 1 TH1NK YOUR SPOOCHF1LT3R W1LL F4LL OUT N3XT T1M3 YOU B3ND OV3R TO L4C3 YOUR BOOTS.  
  
CG: DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO SUTURE A WOUND?  
  
GC: 1 4M 3XC1T3D TO L34RN 4S 1 GO.  
  
GC: K4N4Y4 C4N F1X 1T UP L4T3R, 4SSUM1NG YOU 4R3 ST1LL 4L1V3 WH3N SH3 G3TS H3R3.  
  
CG: OH GOD  
  
CG: OW  
  
CG: OH GOD THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE  
  
GC: 4 NOT UNFOR3S33N S1D3 3FF3CT OF B31NG GUT SHOT.  
  
CG: STOP MAKING FUN OF ME, I'M DYING!!!  
  
GC: T4K3 YOUR SOPOR T4BS 4ND TRY TO BR34TH3 YOU COMPL3T3 GOOB3R. 1 WOULD R4THER YOU NOT STROK3 OUT B3FOR3 TH3 4DR3N4L1N3 W34RS OFF.  
  
CG: YOU JUST WANT ME TO DIE IN MY SLEEP BECAUSE YOU HATE ME.  
  
GC: ON TH3 CONTR4RY YOU 4R3 MY SW33T3ST MOST T4NGY CH3RRY JOLLY R4NCH3R 4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS 1T. NOW B3 4 GOOD L1TTL3 WR1GGL3R AND SW4LLOW YOUR P1LLS OR 1 W1LL S3ND YOU OFF TO DR34ML4ND W1TH TH3 M1LD3ST H34D 1NJURY 1 C4N MUST3R.  
  
CG: FINE. WHERE'S MY CANTEEN?  
  
GC: 1NC1N3R4T3D W1TH TH3 R3ST OF TH3 C4MP. T4K3 M1N3, 1T ST1LL H4S SOM3 W4T3R L3FT.  
  
CG: THANKS. ARE WE STILL PINNNED?  
  
GC: NOP3, TH3 T1D3 TURN3D WH1L3 YOU W3R3 HYP3RV3NT1L4T1NG 1NTO YOUR B4ND 41D COLL3CT1ON.  
  
CG: GREAT.  
  
CG: SO UH. WE WON?  
  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3.1T'S G3TT1NG TO B3 4 H4B1T W1TH US.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> SO MANY REFERENCES IN THIS STORY. the "Starship Pals" books referenced in chapter 25 is a nod to Biichama and Roachpatrol's fantastic illustrated fic [The Baths of all the Western Stars](http://archiveofourown.org/works/282279). 
> 
> Bunch of other nods to various non-fanfic F&SF, see if you can spot them!
> 
> Also if you are having trouble remembering which Helmsman is which, click [here](http://vastderp.tumblr.com/post/30787312480/one-of-our-submarines-helmsman-cheat-sheet-mk-1-by) for a cheat sheet.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Ocean Size](https://archiveofourown.org/works/475517) by [JumpingJackFlash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JumpingJackFlash/pseuds/JumpingJackFlash), [VastDerp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/pseuds/VastDerp)
  * [Serenity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/636245) by [Eclaire-de-Lune (RoyalHeather)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalHeather/pseuds/Eclaire-de-Lune)
  * [Hi, My name is Battleship Condescension](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3932206) by [captorvatiing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/captorvatiing/pseuds/captorvatiing)




End file.
